Dying Well
Let the little children come
Children can’t be sheltered from the death of a loved one. But they can be comforted.
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Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” (Matt. 19:14)
A year before I was born, my oldest brother Sidney died in a car accident. My parents and nine siblings navigated the visitation and funeral as best they could. In 1984, death and grief were not as openly discussed as they are today. In hindsight, my parents wished they would have slowed everything down a little, giving themselves more time as a family to take in what had just happened and also to prepare my two youngest brothers for the experience. These brothers were kindly babysat by a lady from their church during the visitation and funeral. But now, as grown adults and parents themselves, they still have clear memories of that time and they wish they had been included in the funeral events.
Ten years later, when I was eight years old, we lost my brother Justin in a car accident as well. This time, as siblings, we were able to experience things together as much as we wished to be included. Not everyone wanted to go to the accident site, but some of us did. There wasn’t a question of whether we were too young to attend his visitation and funeral; we all attended. From the oldest to the youngest, we shook hands with hundreds of people who came out from our church community to support us. My brother Reuben, who was 11, and I might have taken breaks to run around the funeral home for a bit, even getting in trouble from the funeral director just once.
Sidney, Justin, and Jason, three of Diane’s siblings who died young.
I share this to be realistic. I strongly believe that children need to be included in all family events in an age-appropriate manner. This starts with being truthful about what has happened. “Grandpa has died, and his soul has gone to heaven to be with Jesus.” We need to steer away from terms like sleeping or resting. Not being honest with a child can cause confusion and even unnecessary fear of what death actually is. Telling them they cannot see their loved one in the casket because “it is not appropriate for kids” only makes their imagination run wild, potentially leading to real fear and avoidance of death or funeral homes in adulthood. I know adults who were made to fear funeral homes and caskets as children, and now they struggle to attend visitations and funerals to support their own friends and church communities. This is unfortunate, as death is a part of life, as God speaks of this in Ecclesiastes 3:1-2:
“To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted.”
In 2014, we lost my brother Jason to cancer at 45 years old. Now, as an adult, I had also been a funeral director for over eight years. This was a different grief for me than when I was eight years old. I had this brother my whole life; he was my friend, and now it was time to say goodbye. Navigating the funeral details with my brother’s wife and ensuring his children felt included was crucial. They all came to the funeral home the day after his death to pick out his casket. They stood in the visitation receiving line and attended the funeral. Seeing their young friends come to support these grieving children was so special to see. I am glad that, as a society, we see more and more children coming to support their friends who have lost a loved one. This will help raise young people with a healthy perspective on death and dying and with the understanding that those who are grieving need their support. God has also made it possible for us to share these difficult experiences in a positive way!
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” (2 Cor. 1:3-4)
Diane Vanderwoude Russell is funeral director at Kitching, Steepe & Ludwig Funeral Home in Hamilton, Ontario. You can email her at [email protected].