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Gender roles

More to consider: women on setting life and post-secondary goals

The timing of a woman’s life can get complicated, especially when she faces decisions about whether to pursue higher education or not. In a society that insists on women getting an education and establishing a career before even thinking about marriage and family, it’s not always fashionable to point this reality out. But women simply have more considerations to take into account when making these decisions.

The challenging part is because there is no guarantee of a husband coming along, or children being born, she faces an added layer of uncertainty. Essentially, a woman who wants marriage and a family is trying to plan for two futures, without knowing which future will happen for her.

The questions are endless. Should she pursue practical education and a career just in case she doesn’t get married? Should she work in a dead-end “for now” job because she expects to transition into motherhood soon? Should she take out student loans, which could limit her freedom to make choices in the future? And when a woman is intellectually gifted, or “smart,” the questions can be tougher. Is she “wasting” her gifts if she doesn’t pursue an education? Did she waste her time or money if she does pursue an education and never “uses” it after she gets married?

The ultimate answer to this bewildering maze of questions is simply that there is no one-size-fits-all path. The many possible ways an individual woman uses her gifts can look quite different from one woman to another. Life, after all, is not mapped out for us ahead of time, but it is a journey where we take each step as best we can, trusting in God.

But in this article I want to explore these challenges in a bit more depth so that, first of all, women see that they’re not alone in facing these questions – especially in a culture that shies away from discussing them. And secondly, I want to explore them so that the Christian community understands how complex (and frustrating!) navigating these questions can be. And lastly, I want to offer guidance where any guidance can be given.

Making a life plan

For me, deciding what to do after high school was a confusing mess. I was open to marriage and children, but I hadn’t met anyone. I was considered “smart” and everyone expected me to go to university, and I did want to study, but I didn't know what to study. The idea of having a “career” didn't appeal to me – I certainly didn't relate to the idea of being a “girlboss.” But I felt stuck between devoting time and energy and money to studying things I enjoyed, or finding a career that could support me while I was single, or keeping my options open if I met someone.

I wanted to go beyond what I personally experienced in writing this article so I reached out to other Reformed women I’d connected with through Facebook. And I received a flood of responses about their own experiences in considering post-secondary education.

How women timed their education was an important question for me, because I’ve heard a lot of theories about how college is to blame for the low birth rate in North America. My assumption initially was that women who wanted children had always had that on their mind to some extent. But in my conversations it turned out that not everyone did. For some women, the timing of their life just “worked out.” As Jen Crowder explains, “As a young person in my 20s, there were times where it felt ‘hard’ to not be dating, but the Lord richly blessed me – with peace to be patient, and even more so in bringing my spouse and I together in His marvelous timing shortly after I started my first teaching position. As a young person, it’s very hard to see four, five, or six years as a very short period of one’s life, but looking back on it now, God’s timing is always perfect.” And her experience was echoed by other women who met their husband in their last year of their studies, or just after, and didn’t experience a big conflict between education and beginning a family.

Life does not nicely “work out” for everyone, but when considering whether to study or not, this is a comforting reminder to young women that everything is in God’s hands. Sometimes you do borrow worry about the future before you need to.

For other women, the timing of life events did overlap. “I remember studying for an exam while in labor at the hospital, and writing an exam a week after giving birth!” says Anna Nienhuis. Some had to fit their studies in around taking care of small children, or put their studies on hold and resume them when their children were older. Some women did not start until later: “I did not consider post-secondary possibilities until I was in my early 30s, married for 12 years, and had five children,” says Sarah Vandergugten. And some found themselves required to go back to school in order to support themselves or their families when they hadn’t expected it. All of these circumstances made studying much more challenging, but somehow they continued to see God’s hand guiding them through it all.

Sometimes when you’re young you can feel like you have to be able to predict your future and plan for it responsibly. And to some extent, women do have to consider how their education, jobs and financial situation might impact their freedom to have children. But well-meaning advice can make it sound like your life can all be planned out perfectly. It’s easy to say, “women should pursue marriage first, then children, and then a career if she wants,” or, alternatively, “women should get an education and a career first, and then marriage and children.” But in real life, the path individuals take tends to be more much complex than that, in ways that can’t always be planned out. Even when events in our life overlap in chaotic ways, women and families muddle through while trusting in God. The challenges teach them to trust in Him and the strength He provides.

Some women did change their plans when they met their future husband. It might have been a switch from a longer program to a shorter program, such as switching from nursing to healthcare aide. Or it was a switch from something less flexible to something more flexible. “The career I was studying for was not compatible in any way with my husband’s and so I chose to change my plans. Since I had just started my education it was easy enough to change it,” says Deanna DeWit. Others switched from something with fewer career opportunities, such as a Ph.D., to a regular teaching degree which offered more employment. And lastly, some women went the opposite direction, switching from something “practical” to pursuing study at a Master’s and Ph.D. level when they discovered their love of learning, with the encouragement and support of their husbands.

This simply shows how, as you grow up, you can become more aware of yourself and your gifts, and what makes sense for the life God has called you to. You can start something and change paths later. Sometimes changing your path while you can is the best decision.

Then there were more than a few women who regretted pursuing higher education, or at least weren’t sure it had been worthwhile for them. A few felt they had pursued it because of family expectations, or because they’d absorbed the message from culture to pursue a career first. Some even mentioned in hindsight they felt they’d delayed marriage and hadn’t been accepting God’s will for their lives at that time, though they had come to terms with the choices they’d made. It seems that post-secondary wasn’t a perfect fit for every woman.

And it’s true that higher education is not for everyone! For many women it makes sense, especially if there is no husband on the horizon and they may have to support themselves one day. In fact, many women felt free to begin because they weren’t expecting marriage in the very near future.

But decisions should never be made primarily because of cultural messages, family expectations, or fear of bad consequences. And cultural messages do shift over time – older generations felt unusual when pursuing higher education, whereas younger generations felt more cultural pressures to pursue it. “I had believed the idea – a lie actually – that if I was to be successful I had to go to university,” says Rebecca Van Middelkoop. “No one ever told me that directly but it was an idea that I seemed to have picked up over the years and I think many people believe it as well. As someone who was academically gifted it seemed like I was obligated to do something ‘big’ ... We often think that some careers are superior or more meaningful compared to other careers, especially ones that are more entry level.” She suggests job shadowing, internships and summer jobs in a field you’re interested in to test out what opportunities exist and whether you do need more education.

For other women, higher education could be a path God is calling them to. “God doesn’t have a general plan or calling for all women... God has a specific plan for each of His children,” says Rachelle van Leeuwen. “God’s plan for me was to put people in my life who would continue to encourage me to further my education. If He is putting those people in your life, don’t balk at it; instead, explore different paths that are realistic for you in your current stage of life (not on where you hope to be one day).”

Which brings us to discernment, or listening to God’s will for your life.

Discernment

In the end, making this decision is simply a process of discernment, of drawing near to God. What is God’s call on your life specifically? For me, the phrases “pray about it,” and “seek God’s will,” felt formulaic when I was trying to make decisions, and felt frustrating when it felt like He was silent. But so often phrases become a cliché because they’re true. When I'm making decisions in life, when I feel in the dark and confused, that is when these supposedly tired and formulaic statements hold the most truth. That is when God is teaching me to be persistent in seeking after Him, making decisions as best I can at each step, and trusting that I don’t need to be afraid of the future.

You may not hear God’s voice from the sky telling you directly what to do, but you can lean on Him as you study your gifts, circumstances and responsibilities and make the best choices about how you can serve Him with what He’s given you.

This means that, yes, if your passion is to be a wife and mother, it’s worth discerning what steps to take to pursue this too! Sometimes we feel we have to leave this area of our lives entirely in God’s hands without taking any action that we might take in other areas of our lives (in the way we might in our careers). Of course, we can’t pursue marriage in the same way as a career, but we can do things like staying social with other likeminded Christians (even if we're busy studying at university), being involved in church activities, being open to being introduced to possibilities, and maybe even visiting other areas of the country. While we should do the tasks God gives us, it’s not an either/or choice when it comes to marriage or career. Society might tell you to not think about marriage until after your career is established but if you want it, it’s worthwhile to keep your eyes open even while you're studying.

Lastly, some women mentioned feeling judged, both for looking too “desperate” for marriage by not pursuing a career, or for having a career when most women around them didn’t. But if we truly believe our sisters are looking to God to discern how He will work in their individual lives, we can expect it to look a little different from person to person. God created humans in His image to glorify Him, but this also happens in an individual sense – we are not all eyes, or hands, or heads. We do not start off knowing all that we as an arm (for example) can do, but we grow into it by fixing our eyes on Christ. And so we can also turn to one another and encourage each other, and take the time to truly understand how others navigated their experiences and made their own decisions.

And so, my last piece of advice would be to talk to other women! Through writing this piece, I was inspired by my fellow sisters in Christ, as I listened to how God had guided their life journeys. Each story is an amazing story, whether their path was straightforward or more bumpy. In fact, I wish I had more room to tell these stories. In my confused high school years, I could've benefited from having some of these conversations about how life paths can be anything but straight and still be clearly guided by the hand of God.

Jenn VanLeeuwen sums it up like this, “If you would have asked me at 18 what my life was going to look like at 24, I definitely envisioned being married and having a few kids and a dog. However, God, in His wisdom, had that in store 10 years later. I was able to complete a number of university degrees and certifications, move across the country a few times for different teaching jobs, travel, and grow so very much as an individual!”

Conclusion

There are many more considerations I haven’t covered, including financing education and whether debt makes sense, whether to choose a practical career or follow your passion, whether secular college is wise, and when seeking knowledge for knowledge’s sake is worth pursuing. Debt, in particular, can have a huge impact on young women’s freedom to make choices, but her passions and goals can also shape the path of her life. In short, while figuring out how education fits into the timeline of your life is one piece of the puzzle, there are many other factors to take into account.

However, ultimately the process is not about weighing every possible consideration, but rather about drawing closer to God and to what He is calling you to. May He guide you.



News

Saturday Selections – Nov. 16, 2024

Click on the titles to head to the linked articles...

How knock-knock jokes are a problem for evolution (14 min)

If you found a knock-knock joke carved on a rock in the forest, you'd know that it wasn't the result of natural forces randomly acting over time. And the origin of life is way more complicated than that!

This winsome Intelligent Design presentation also highlights 5 problems the evolutionary account can't surmount. (This is worth watching twice!)

The porn talk – 9 ways parents can lead children

The first might be the biggest: cultivate the conversation – don't avoid it, seek it out.

What two unbelievers got right about morality (10-minute read)

Tim Keller on how two unbelievers – philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) and historian Tom Holland (1968- ) – still recognize that without God there is no basis for right and wrong.

The two-book fallacy... again (15-min read)

God revealed Himself to us in one book, the Bible, and in a second volume too, which we could call the "book" of creation (Romans 1:19-20, Ps. 19:1-4).

But some Christians buy into evolution because they think that this second book is every bit as clear and authoritative as Scripture. Practically speaking, that has them reinterpreting the Bible in light of what evolutionary scientists say they've discovered in Creation.

But in this article, Dr. Lisle rebuts this belief and a particular gentleman who holds to it. He writes

“If Shane disagrees with my conclusion that words are far superior in communicating truth than rocks and fossils are, then I would ask him to reply using only rocks and fossils – no words please.”

Why do even kids' movies take God's Name in vain?

Otherwise-family-friendly fare will routinely throw out an abuse of God's Name. Nobody blurts out Mohammad or Allah. No one drops an f-bomb. So why God's Name, so often? The folks at the Christian film review site MovieGuide.org offer their best explanation.

The bee-apocalypse: there's always another scare

Environmental groups have their apocalyptic bent, and reporters have their own "if it bleeds it leads" motivations, so when they pitch doom and gloom, we shouldn't just swallow their warnings. John Stossel is, of course, not free of his own biases, so caution is needed in ingesting his conclusions here too. But what he highlights that you probably didn't hear about before, is the human cost that comes with the pesticide bans that were pushed. In our fallen world, there is no perfect, negative-free solution – there are always tradeoffs – so we need to hear about the other side, which is on offer here (Prov. 18:17).


Today's Devotional

November 20 - The word of life (I)

“...concerning the word of life- the life was made manifest, and we have seen it, and testify to it and proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and was made manifest to us” - 1 John 1:1-2

Scripture reading: 2 Kings 4:1-7

This chapter shows us four manifestations of the Word of Life, proclaimed through God's prophet, Elisha. We see >

Today's Manna Podcast

Manna Podcast banner: Manna Daily Scripture Meditations and open Bible with jar logo

Our Security and God

Serving #667 of Manna, prepared by William Den Hollander, is called "Our Security and God".











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In a Nutshell

Tidbits – January 2024

It was the best and worst of times "The Christian only has to endure this world, this is as bad as it gets for us. But non-Christians have to enjoy this world, this is as good as it gets for them!” – Kel Richards’ The Case of the Damascus Dagger Titles worth the price of the book I’ve read my favorite writing book a few times now, but in recent years, when I’m battling a bout of writer’s block, I don’t need to read it. I can just pull it off the shelf, take a good long look at the title there on the cover, and that’s enough: If You Can Talk, You Can Write. Here are a few other books with especially instructive titles. Everyone’s a Theologian – R.C. Sproul knows theology – the study of God – isn’t just for pastors, but for parishioners too. Why It Might Be OK to Eat Your Neighbor: If atheism is right can anything be wrong? – Sometimes a title can be too good. I haven’t read this one, and feel like, after reading this fantastic title, I might have gotten enough of the gist that I don’t need to. Fire Someone Today – This is a business book by a Christian businessman, Bob Pritchett, running a Christian company, and he found out that, while you want to do right by your employees, it is also good to recognize God does give out different talents, so sometimes firing an employee who can’t measure up is actually freeing them up to find out what they really should be doing. Amusing Ourselves to Death – Neil Postman’s oldie but goodie is still applicable in a time when social media contagions have folks amusing themselves right into cutting off healthy body parts. Do Hard Things: A teenage rebellion against low expectations – Two teens, brothers Alex and Brett Harris, wrote a challenge to teens to pull up their socks… and make their beds… and clerk for Supreme Court Justices. Oops! I forgot my wife – How many wives suffer from neglect? This one’s a humorous, fictional smack-down on the self-centered husband written by a counselor who wants to help them change. Just Do Something – Looking for God’s will for your life, and stuck in neutral trying to figure out what it is? Kevin DeYoung has some help for you and it starts on the front cover! Do Not Be True to Yourself – Another from Kevin DeYoung, gets right to the point. We were made to glorify God, not ourselves! Wolf in their Pockets – Occasional RP contributor Chris Martin wrote a book on smartphones and social media that’s well worth reading, but the title offers quite the refresher all on its own. Eichmann in Jerusalem: A Report on the Banality of Evil – Author Hannah Arendt reported on the trial of one of the most notorious of Nazis, Adolf Eitchmann, and as her book's subtitle notes, what struck her was how frighteningly ordinary he was. She recognized, to the displeasure of many, that being evil, even enormously evil, isn't a big leap for most of us, National debt costs $3 a day in interest for every man, woman, and child In a Sept. 15 press conference, Christian Heritage Party leader Rod Taylor noted that: “…Canada is deeply in debt. The federal government owes about $1.2 trillion. A trillion is a thousand billion and a billion is a thousand million. Our current government is adding to that debt at the rate of $109 million per day. And what is that debt costing? $120 million every single day in interest alone.” With a population of almost 39 million, that works out to an average of around $100 a month or just over $1,100 a year that the Canadian government will have to take from every man, woman, and child in Canada, just to service our interest payments. Of course, they aren’t even managing that, which is why our debt continues to grow, increasing the burden for the next generation. That is not the sort of inheritance that the good man of Proverbs 13:22 is supposed to leave for his children’s children. A dozen deep thoughts A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Save a tree. Eat a beaver. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else. Few women admit their age; few men act it. Never answer an anonymous letter. Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower? Two wrongs may not make a right, but three lefts do. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Can you buy an entire chess set at a pawnshop? If Americans throw rice at weddings, then Asians must throw hamburgers. Don’t think that you’re thinking. If you think that you're thinking you only think that you're thinking. 5 ways to improve instantly that require no talent If your basketball team tryouts are tomorrow, it’d be great if you could shoot 40% from the 3-point line. The coaches would love that! But that’s a skill that takes years to develop, so if you don’t already know how to do it, there’s not a lot you can do about it between now and tomorrow. But there are things you can do right now that don’t require any skill, but could get you noticed by a coach. These could make you a valuable member of the team instantly, and they go way beyond just sports. If it’s tough to keep all five in mind, then focus on couple, or three, for now. REALLY LISTEN – It’s one thing to listen, and another to engage your brain and interact with what your coach is saying. How many of your teammates are thinking through why the coach has you running this particular drill? If you know the why behind the what you’ll be able to make the most of your practice time, and your skills will grow. Listen with your brain! BE ON TIME – If you’re just 5 minutes late, but 11 teammates and a coach are waiting for you, you’ve just blown an hour’s worth of practice time (12 x 5 = 60 minutes). So respect your coach and teammates’ time by showing up just a bit ahead of when you’re supposed to. OUTWORK YOUR OPPONENT – A mediocre player giving 100% may be able to shut down a much more skilled player who’s going just 80. The trick here is that we often think we’re giving it our all, when we actually have a lot more in the tank. So analyze your effort. HAVE A POSITIVE ATTITUDE – There are professional athletes who make millions without ever getting on the court – they’re wanted just for their positive presence on the bench and in the locker room. GOOD BODY LANGUAGE – Show your positive attitude. Just as an athlete can show attitude toward his coach and teammates without saying a word, you can give them a boost by walking around with energy, whooping it up from the bench, and just keeping the energy flowing! Dad joke refresher For the fathers out there needing some new material… I asked the beekeeper for a dozen bees, and he gave me thirteen – he said the last one was a freebee. The Texan I dated broke up with me; she said I was just too un-American. I should have seen it coming a kilometer away. Yesterday I was painting the house with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a paintbrush?” My wife asked me if I’d seen the fish bowl. I told her, “I never imagined he could.” My wife really knows nothing about sports. When I told her I’d gotten a hole in one, she went and got me a pair of socks. I hear some people pick their nose, but I never got consulted. How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. My wife is into philosophy. On our last date night, when I got the chicken salad she picked the egg salad just to see whose order would come first. I can’t keep up with the abbreviations kids use these days and my daughters are no help. When I asked what “idk” stood for, they all pretended not to know. When the mask comes off Laura Klassen’s pro-life organization Choice42 regularly saves babies from abortion by helping out their moms. And when a baby is born, the thankful mom will often share a pic with Choice42, to encourage other moms to make the same choice. But a curious thing happens when Klassen posts one of these baby pictures. Folks from the other side blow a gasket. But why? As Klassen notes: “Funny how whenever we post pics of babies saved from abortion, some people get triggered and feel the need to comment about #abortionrights or their general hate for babies. A simple ‘congrat’ will do. After all, these women chose their babies, and y’all are #prochoice, right?” Getting out of the friend zone Commentator Aaron Renn has coined “The Kathy Keller Rule” for all of those out there stuck firmly in the dreaded “friend zone.” As he explained it in his newsletter some years back, getting stuck in the friend zone happens, “…when one person wants more out of a friendship than the other person does…. one person wants to make the relationship romantic but the other person wants to remain friends.” While it isn’t always so, the “wants more” is often the girl, while “just friends” is typically the guy. There can be some cluelessness to this; the fellow might not be stringing her along on purpose. But intentional or not, he’s enjoying some of the joys of a real relationship – the flattering, even ego-boosting, attention of the opposite sex, and the convenience of having someone who’ll drop most anything to go see the latest movie with you – without having to actually give her much of himself. This one-sided exchange is only possible because there is what Renn calls an “asymmetry of intent.” He gives as an example, a story Tim Keller tells in his book The Meaning of Marriage, about Keller’s relationship with his wife. “Though we were best friends and kindred spirits, I was still hurting from a previous relationship that had ended badly. Katy was patient and understanding up to a point, but the day came when she said, ‘Look, I can’t take this anymore. I have been expecting to be promoted from friend to girlfriend. I know you don’t mean to be saying this, but every day you don’t choose me to be more than a friend, it feels as if I’ve been weighed and found wanting – hoping that someday you’ll want me to be more than a friend. I’m not calling myself a pearl, and I’m not calling you a pig, but one of the reasons Jesus told his disciples not to cast pearls before swine was because a pig can’t recognize the value of a pearl. If you can’t see me as valuable to you, then I’m not going to keep throwing myself into your company, hoping and hoping. I can’t do it. The rejection that I perceive, whether you intend it or not, is just too painful. “That’s exactly what she said. It got my attention. It sent me into a time of deep self-examination. A couple of weeks later, I made the choice.” Renn then proposes “The Kathy Keller Rule”: “Do not stay in a friendship where your desire for romance is persistently denied, but deliver an ultimatum (or ask the other person out on a date), exiting the friendship if the other person chooses not to reciprocate your desires.” I think this is great advice. Really great advice even. But I’ll also add, this isn’t out of the Good Book, so take it for what it is – some common sense to consider, but not an 11th Commandment to be obeyed without question. Just one issue? “If you're pro-life, you realize abortion is murder. How can you say ‘it's one of many issues’ and vote for a pro-choice candidate? What policy of theirs could be so good that it's worth allowing millions of babies to be killed?” – Seamus Coughlin...









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Children’s picture books

Golly's Folly: the prince who wanted it all

by Eleazar and Rebekah Ruiz illustrated by Rommel Ruiz 36 pages / 2016 Inspired by the Preacher's denouncement that "all is vanity," this is the story of Golly, a prince who wants more and more and more, but finds that nothing satisfies. It's all done in rhyme, which along with the bright pictures makes this one that kids 3 and up will adore! Our story begins with Prince Golly looking to power as the way to happiness. He convinces his father to give up his throne, so Golly can be king. And he is happy...for a time. Next he turns to things, telling his trusted advisor: "I want flocks of animals, and a farm on a hill. Get some of all kind – what a thrill! Build lots of houses, find rings for my hand. Oh – and I'd like my very own band." But the buzz from all this stuff only lasts for a while. And so Golly turns to food, partying, knowledge, but none of it brings him happiness and contentment. In his despair, he starts to cry. And then his father comes by. (It is hard to write a review of a rhyming book, and not start doing it yourself!) In Ecclesiastes the world turns out to be vanity, but life under God is not. In this story Golly also learns the world is vanity, and he looks to find contentment in submitting to his father. In doing so the story almost presents "family" as the ultimate good and the one true way to happiness and contentment. But, of course, his father, King Zhor, is meant to point us to our Father in heaven. That analogy shouldn't be pressed too hard, though, because while King Zhor gives up his crown, our Father doesn't. Maybe, in this act King Zhor is more comparable to Jesus humbling himself in becoming man. But it's not a direct parallel – like any analogy, the connections are partial, and incomplete. It's the gist that matters – the world is not enough! – not the details. I read this out loud to my kids once, without the pictures, and they already liked it. And the pictures are so vivd, that makes it all the more remarkable. I'd recommend it as a fun one to read in a family setting with kids of all ages because Golly's Folly could be a great conversation starter on the topic of seeking happiness from what the world offers. You can get the e-book for free if you subscribe to the publisher's newsletter here. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_IWHm-a3VU...