It was the closest to a deal breaker we’d had. In our year and a few months of dating my fiancé and I had covered all the important topics extensively, or so I thought. That summer evening as we talked it finally hit me that my husband-to-be was set on Christian school for any future children we might be blessed with, and not, in fact, ever, interested in homeschooling.
“He really means it” I thought. I saw resolve and promise. He wanted something very good for his children and he would provide this for his family, Lord willing.
I had been homeschooled and it had been a wonderful experience that had filled my mind with possibilities. I had strong opinions about education and wanted to teach my future children myself.
Stubbornly optimistic, I swung the opposite way as I thought this through, “Maybe I can still change his mind!”
I knew he’d already seen a new side of homeschooling by getting to know my family. I figured this was just the beginning of him seeing things from my perspective, ignoring that perhaps that meant I should also try to see things from his.
The more sobering realistic side of me had to consider this man I loved and his desires for any children we might have. Could I follow his lead if it was different from my plan?
Discussing topics that are far in the future can result in two people thinking they know their future selves so well that they can decide now what they will be then. It sounds a little arrogant, but isn’t that what the marriage commitment is as well, a promise to have and to hold, through sickness and health, till death do us part? We really don’t know what that will truly mean, when those vows are made. However, we do so in faith, and faith can move mountains.
Our first son was born and any conversations about education were few and far between in those first years. In my day-to-day choices I opted out of the early education classes that were numerous in our area as I didn’t believe in rushing children towards early reading, but instead set out to provide our son with lots of natural learning opportunities; get our hands messy, read lots of books and answer his many questions, as simple as that.
Before our oldest was Senior Kindergarten (SK) age we had 2 more children and had moved to a new neighborhood and school district. For my precocious oldest I set up a ‘school room’ in the basement while knowing full well that homeschool families generally do school at the kitchen table. I was not immune to being a rookie. We worked through the alphabet, doing an activity or two per letter and searching for those letters in books and on signs when we were out for walks or running errands. Learning became a part of every day. We did the program, Five in a Row by Jane Claire Lambert and enjoyed that very much. I gave my son a harmonica after we finished reading the book Lentil by Robert McCloskey and found that to be a musical instrument that sounds kind of nice, even from a beginner!
Was this homeschooling despite my husband’s wishes? Well, yes and no. He liked the idea of me educating our son until he was SK age, at which point he would go to school. By this point we had talked about this often and agreed on this plan. I felt really good about this most of the time, especially since our son was becoming so excited to go to school and I got to try out some of the teaching methods I’d had in the back of my mind for so long. I recognized that I was still feeling pulled in two directions and I remember praying about my lack of peace, and arriving time and time again to the answer to trust Him. To trust that God led me to my husband and that I could follow his lead because he also loved the Lord. Sometimes this was a literal cap to the bottle of endless misgivings. Trust Him, and trust him.
When the time came for us to pick a school, there was that same tug in my heart in the opposite direction as we considered a school that was nearby. The school was small, and that appealed to me. If my babies had to leave me I was glad it was to a school where they wouldn’t be lost in a crowd and ignored. A little dramatic, but these were my early thoughts! If I was going to be a school mom I wanted to like the school. What was involved with being a school mom anyway?
That first day of school arrived much too quickly for me, and at long last for him. He was born in February and had been 5 for ages. His enthusiasm soothed me immensely, but I put him on that bus and then went inside to cry over a sink of dishes. His words at the end of the day, “It was my first day of school and I did it!” have made me smile so many times in the years since.
My thoughts during this first year were many. In some ways it felt so wrong to pack a small child a lunch and send him off for the day. I didn’t want to ignore that feeling, but was still trying to trust. I would need to let him go eventually, right? An impossible thought when they have bright trusting eyes, and still climb into your bed every morning for a snuggle before the day starts. In conflict to these thoughts was a thriving happy child with a teacher and community we were beginning to love. I spent time thinking about the course my life was taking in comparison to what I had known growing up. I went back and forth a lot as God was showing me the way. It was a special kind of fun to show up at school and see my child light up with excitement to show me what they had been learning. I felt myself being established as the one who welcomed him home and caused that big exhale at the end of the day.
Homeschooling had always been an example to me of the only schooling option that allowed a child to be an individual. Simply by moving through the day as a group, a student in a classroom setting did not have the freedom to be ahead or behind their peers. Expecting all to fit neatly into a shape grated on me as I had seen in my own family that my older brother excelled at many things, and being homeschooled allowed him the time to pursue his interests, and to glean education from them. Similarly, I had a strong interest in art and our schedule offered ample time for creative expression. My younger brother by 3 years was easily doing my math, peering over my shoulder and giving the answers long before I understood what the lesson was asking. I’ve since forgiven him for this but it really got on my nerves at the time.
I was able to grow at my own pace, in the biggest way perhaps in that I didn’t read well until grade 3, and I didn’t know that until I was an adult. I didn’t know that I was behind. Is there a school anywhere where a child could be “behind” and not know it, besides in homeschooling? I am so thankful I wasn’t aware of my slower pace, and had the space to figure it out without pressure. That later start has not held me back, though it easily could have been a shadow I carried with me if I’d endured teasing, or had seen worry in the eyes of my parents or teachers.
My own life experiences were the main reason why I felt a pull to homeschool my children. Additionally, I felt I needed to defend myself, for the rest of my life if that’s what it took. “We aren’t weird, we aren’t lacking in social skills, we don’t have holes in our education.” (These situations do occur, but it’s not simply because of homeschooling. Every educational environment has students that don’t fit the mold perfectly, and teachers that unfortunately miss the mark.) That defensive position would have been a selfish reason to homeschool, and would have been an unsteady foundation for an education.
It was humbling to admit to myself and others that I could grow up homeschooled, absolutely love it, and then leave it. Once you are on the team you don’t leave it and do something else. At least that’s how it can feel. The other team, the one I was outside of for so long is full of… loving parents too. What did I think would be there?
In walking through each school year beside my children I’ve been able to glean a great deal of wisdom from fellow parents and the staff at school. Many of them struggled to send their babies to school too. I wasn’t alone in missing them and wasn’t alone in relishing the quiet house. One mom pointed out to me that each teacher has their strengths in teaching, and those strengths can bless our children. I saw this in the grade 1 teacher who taught the Christian faith in a way that made my 6-year-old truly love the Lord and pray with new understanding. Or the teacher who showed how to be determined and not give up when something is hard, or who said just the right thing to make a hard concept suddenly click. We are so blessed by these adults that pour Christ-like love and excellence into our children! Each teacher has made an impression and each year has brought positive growth.
Many of my fears were for nothing, and many of the strengths homeschooling offered we have been able to provide within and alongside the school. I don’t think I’ll ever stop being the Mom who works a lesson into the day, as homeschooling showed me that lessons learned as you live your life have as much impact as the ones learned in a classroom following a curriculum. When your school recognizes that educating children falls primarily on the parents, and their intention is to come alongside that goal in support and with the Christian faith held central, well, that can be counted as nothing but a great blessing.
This past September we began our 8th year at our school. I am no longer going back and forth in my mind wondering again if this was the right choice. God gave me an unexpected opportunity to learn in leading us to send our children to school. I thought I was one of the fortunate ones who was more open minded than others due to homeschooling, but I had misunderstood others the same way they had me. By trusting God through following my husband’s lead I have been rewarded in more ways than I could say. There is no way to guarantee our children the very best in life, but that is often what we receive despite ourselves. I had an excellent upbringing, and by God’s grace and great love, my children are too.
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“This article is about following God’s lead for education choices for our children. My husband and I had differing opinions about education as we started our marriage, and I wanted to encourage others who might face something similar. I hope to show how God can surprise us with His goodness when we trust Him.” – Tamara
