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Being the Church

Real Talk: Work is worship

This episode can also be found on your favorite podcast platform: Spotify, Apple, Podbean, Amazon Music or on our website. Be sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel and our podcast profiles so you can be notified when new episodes are released. Please note that this transcript below was automatically generated and lightly edited so it may contain some errors.

*****

Opening
What if we've misunderstood work? For many Christians, faith feels clear on Sunday, but disconnected from Monday to Saturday. Yet most of our lives aren't lived in a church service, but in the workplace. And work is not neutral; it's formative, and it shapes our character, our decisions, and who we're becoming. That's why mentorship in business and leadership matters so much. People don't just need ideas; they need examples of faithful, God-honoring work in practice. In this episode, we're joined by Mark Wanders and Ben Nobels from Six Days, a new organization committed to helping Christians connect and grow in all their labors. We're talking about recovering a right understanding of work, not just as a job or a paycheck, but a place of mission and obedience to God in the everyday. A big thanks to our official sponsor Trivan for making this conversation possible. Now on to the show.

Intro
The world's changing fast, but what questions should we really be asking? You're listening to Real Talk, a podcast presented by Reformed Perspective, where we take God's Word and apply it to the nitty-gritty of life. Buckle up for real questions, real answers, and real direction. This is Real Talk.

Lucas Holtvluwer
Mark and Ben, welcome to the show. Great to have you guys here.

Ben Nobels
Thank you. Thank you so much. It's great to be here.

LH
Yeah, it's an honor and a privilege, man. Appreciate you guys making the time. And yeah, so today we're talking about work, as you guys would have just heard in the intro for the listeners. And these two gentlemen are from an organization called Six Days, and we'll get into more about what Six Days is doing and whatnot later in the episode. But we wanted to really center this episode, excuse me, on this idea of work and what it means to do your job every day, and how to ensure that that's connected to what we experience on Sundays, of course, and making sure our faith is intertwined with our work. So we've done some episodes in this before in terms of talking about entrepreneurship. We had the gentleman from Eagle Builders down here, and we kind of heard their story, and that was great as well. But this I thought was a great chance to get someone who's younger in the business world, a fellow younger guy in business, and then a more experienced vet, not old, but experienced vet, Mark, to kind of speak to some of the challenges that we face as Christians, maybe even specifically as Reformed Christians in the marketplace, whether that's building business, working for a business, or in the public sector, wherever God's called you, right? So, yeah, maybe if you guys just want to start off the top. How did you two kind of link up in this endeavor? I know your backstory perhaps is longer, but talk to us a little bit about the hole you saw in the marketplace or the problem you perceived, and what you guys kind of thought about that.

BN
Okay, very. It is a long story I'll try to keep it... But yeah, so it goes back to actually the beginning of last year when I started my business, and through a mutual connection, somehow by God's grace, I ended up on a phone call with this fella, and it was like totally happenstance. There, we've never chat chatted before ever, right?I don't think we've ever even met. I might have seen you around, but I think that's the extent of it. And we ended up on a phone conversation, and I was walking around my… I remember so clearly. I was walking around my backyard talking to this Mark fella. I was like, I don't even know who he is, but I like his ideas. And we were just chatting about work and all these different ideas, and then I brought up this concept that I had been thinking of for eight years, called Six Days, and we kind of latched onto it, and we ended up talking about it for like an hour, and again, never met the guy. Anyway, so that's that was where it started, and the concept of Six Days, I was working and just starting out a business and trying to grow it and just trying to figure out what it means to be a Christian entrepreneur. And then a couple days later, he texts me and he says, "You've got a lot going on. Would having a mentor help?” And I was like, "Yep, that sounds amazing.” I didn't even know that. I had no idea what a mentor was or what it would look like. I just knew that I needed something because I felt like I was kind of flying blind, just trying to make things up as I went along. And obviously, ChatGPT was helping me along, but there's only so much that AI can do, and only so much trust you can have in it. Anyway, so we ended up meeting monthly at his shop, and we would we would sit down, and Mark would mentor me and walk me through not just the business aspect, but also the relational aspect, where like how I interact with my wife, how I interact with my children, what it means to be a father while you're providing for your family. There are some really big lessons in there that have totally shaped the way that I have approached entrepreneurship and running a business, and also how that interacts with the rest of my life, and all from all from a very Bible centric perspective, and it's been such a blessing.

LH
Awesome. So you guys connect kind of right away off this first phone call. You kind of form this mentorship mentee, mentor mentee relationship there, but specific to the idea for six days, what was it exactly that you guys connected on, and what did you see that there was an opportunity for to help out people, well, most of us in the working world in in the church?

BN
Well, there was that aspect of where I was sitting, right? So, as a young guy, I had only ever worked for other people. I had done side hustles here and there, but that doesn't-they didn't really count.

LH
Not full time.

BN
Not full time ever. So he, there was there was this conversation about what is work really, as a Christian, like what when you're starting a business, what's your what's your goals and ambitions? How do you align them properly with the Word of God? How do you understand what the Word of God actually teaches? Because there's so many external implications, or external forces acting on people, obviously in the world and young guys who are very much connected on the internet, watching YouTube videos, listening to podcasts, not always Real Talk.

LH
No, not always, no.

BN
You know, sorry about that. But there's other podcasts too that we listen to, right? And there's so much influence. So how do we how do we kind of break away from that and not allow it to shape us, but allow scripture to shape us as we do these things.

LH
So you're wrestling through all that as a young man, in your first year of business.

BN
Yeah, and one of the things that we both…

Mark Wanders
You see where I had to slow him down a little bit? No, but there was so many things going on in the world. We had this one hour conversation, yeah, and I'm like, whoa, this guy's got so many moving parts here. Let's just let's just calm this down. And then inside of this first in-person meeting that we had, I heard about. First of all, he was working in a factory, right?

BN
Yeah, kind of.

MW
Of sorts. Sort of. You were doing like what you liked, sort of. But then he had a business that he was starting. It was more like a side hustle at the time, and then and then I heard about this six days thing that had been shelved, sitting up there for eight years? And when he kind of unpacked it for me, I was like, "What are you doing? Like this thing needs to come off the shelf. Give it some legs, and or give it some wings, really. And let's see this thing fly.” I did not know he'd invite me into the, the ring, so to speak. But that was where he was at. So we sat down with these multiple strands of ideas, and we dialed it down and said, "All right, let's start somewhere. Like you've got a lot of moving parts. Let's take this thing and unpack it.” Not one at a time, but sometimes one at a time.

LH
What drew you to the idea originally when you guys were talking?

MW
Well, I mean, I did like his passion. I mean, he was passionate on the phone, and he was also frustrated. I could hear it in his voice because he was working for somebody. I mean, there's nothing wrong with working for somebody, but when like, I think when there's an entrepreneurial fire in you, you might as well feed that, and I could I could sense that in him, and um, that's where I was like, this guy needs to be kind of unchained, like out of out of where he's at…

LH
Let him loose!

MW
Yeah, and he had a lot of creativity and a lot of excitement. I'm like, I'm like, that needs to be like that can be channeled like where could that go right? Within our first few meetings too we also said like we set some goals and he was he was exceeding them. He’s like I want to move into for example three days of doing my own thing and it was like no time it was five and he's like I'm giving my boss notification and so on, and he stepped up, stepped up, stepped up every time, and that was that was impressive to see that, and I was like, exciting to be alongside that, and in the midst of this business starting up that he had of his own, Sender Creative, right, was also the Six Days that started to mobilize, but that was still a lot of from pulling it off the shelf. It needed some structure put around it, right, to get it to be formatted towards public presentation, so to speak.

BN
Yeah, and in that initial conversation, I think we both kind of latched onto this concept that work is worshp.

MW
Yes, there was that was an alignment there for sure. You and I were like, "Whoa, yeah, 100%.” I'm like, "This is a young guy understanding that you worship on Sunday, and then that flows into your week.” Yeah, like that is so good. So we had an alignment there, yeah, which was also felt on the on the phone. We're just you know when you pick up the phone with somebody and you all of a sudden you have these alignment things. You're like, okay, this is good. Here is not only say for an excitement to do something with our work, but also when you are bound up in like the foundational pieces of the anchor in Jesus Christ. And we had that, and I was also excited about that in a young guy, young family, young guy, big ideas, and grounded in Christ. So, like, here is a guy, you know, if… and even the idea to say, "Hey, can I mentor you?” type of thing, it was newer for me. I had done it more in the in the say Bible studies and church setting, discipleship groups, that kind of thing. But in the business setting, was less, and just the fact I'm like, okay, well, I think I've gone a few steps ahead of you in business and so on. Maybe there's something here that..

LH
You could help him with.

BN
Oh yeah, I jumped at the opportunity.

MW
And it's interesting. You also mentioned because you already tied in family and faith. So I mean, it's really hard to pull apart. Well, work is over here, family's over there, or even just marriage. If you don't have a family, you got your work, your family, your marriage, your faith, and they don't. They're not all these separate boxes, separate spheres. They all overlap. Right, and that's where when we were in the mentoring setting, it's taking all those things. And sometimes we would spend a whole session talking about, "Hey, here's what's going on at home. I got some...

BN
I goofed up, Mark. Mark, I did this thing… that was funny. I did this thing, and my wife - I don't know what's going on. Mark's like, “Ben, just walk me through what you did.”

MW
So, how many guys are running companies, and if there's a frustration at home, it directly impacts your work?

LH
Probably quite a few.

MW
And then to just lean into somebody and saying like, "Is this okay? or "Where did I screw up?” or "Whoa, did I screw up? How do I deal with it?” So, and I think that that becomes like the mentorship, discipleship. I mean, it's a biblical thing. Discipling, you know, the older discipling the younger, whether it's women or men, and in the context of work, I think that that's a beautiful thing, and then the recognition of that as well.

LH
Okay. So you guys link up, and you're both. I mean, you're definitely benefiting from it. I'm sure you enjoyed providing that that counsel and that that mentorship as well. But specifically on the this idea of Six Days, like, what is it, and what is it? Why is it put out there in reaction to? Like, because you guys were able to kind of just do this somewhat, you know, naturally, and there wasn't any sort of structure in place to make that happen. But do you see like the need for more mentorship or more connection, or like what kind of drew you to this whole idea? Maybe just explain a little bit about what Six Days has going on that way.

BN
Yeah, well, a lot of it comes from my own struggles through growing up, becoming a man, having my own family, and providing for them. Right? You kind of you end up very easily having a perspective about what work is. And it's not always right. And if it's not guided, it chances are it will be wrong. So there was a there was a gap there where I knew that the Bible said stuff about work. I just didn't fully understand what it was or how to apply it. So there was that kind of tension there for me, and the mentorship that Mark gave me, and as he was giving it to me, the Six Days ball started really turning right because I was just like, oh my goodness, what a what a blessing this is! Like, okay, what about those people who might have been in a similar situation and not had the access to something like this, right? And then I was just like, okay, this whole Six Days idea that goes way back eight years. The idea was originally just a just a directory, right? Just to help people find businesses, help businesses find people. I want to roll that into it for sure. Like that needs to be a part of it because if we're going to build an online community centered around businesses in our circles, what more benefit could we really bring people than making those connections between people who have experience, and there's tons of guys in our circles, tons of business owners with just unreal amounts of experience and wisdom, and they would probably love to have opportunities to share that with other people. So that just became the next kind of part of the vision of what it what benefit it could bring, right. So I was like, I'm not just going to build this website for people to connect. I was like, how, how, like, what's the point if there's no broader vision? So what's the next step, the mentorship thing. And then there were some other talks about how else, how else it could really bless people. And one of them was, or one of the other ones, was helping people understand what work is as a Christian. I knew I struggled with understanding that, and I still don't have all the answers, of course. But I'm on a journey right now. I want to find people, and I want to learn, and I want to share what I learn with other people as well. So it's uh, yeah the the The potential is huge for that area.

MW
I want to throw something in too, Lucas. You were saying the benefit to Ben. Yeah. But there's always a benefit to like it's a mutual benefit for sure. It's huge there. Like in the meantime, there was a lot of growth in my own life because there's the constant, you know, old saying: when you when you teach it, you learn it twice. So even just to review, to think about, to be challenged with what's going on in his world, and then self reflecting on that as well. That's huge. So, you know, discipleship, mentoring, whatever it is, there is that mutual piece to it where there's a growth in your own life as well. And again, the attraction with Six Days being, you know, as it says right on the on the homepage, hub for Christian businesses, really like that. It has the invitation there to be the place that you can find other Christian businesses, yeah. Which I think it could be some are just like, "Hey, I got a spot to place an ad. Great.” And they're not thinking about the let's say the mutual aspect of the mentoring and the coming alongside or the you know helping out when stuck and so on. And I think that's where that still has to be exposed a little bit, and that's where first it's building up a little bit of the community, yeah, and then you know bringing that community along towards greater ideas, which also comes out through the newsletter.. there's a weekly or monthly. What is it? A monthly?

BN
I don't really have a schedule. Just kind of send out some emails when I feel like it.

LH
When you feel it's fun.

BN
No, once a month is the plan. Once every two weeks is kind of what's happening, just because there are things moving and announcements and stuff. So it's not always there's different aspects.

LH
So there's, if I'm hearing you guys correctly, there's kind of three things I'm hearing so far. There's this initial connection, a directory portion of it, essentially, right? There's the need for like businesses to know if other businesses exist around them who are Christians who could be complementary or like you know if you're in the trades as an easy example, and you're a drywall, and you know there's a plumber over here, and like so that kind of thing. We have that on a lighter level, I would say. Like if I think about our context here in Southern Ontario, you kind of know what some of the different Reformed businesses are, even just general Christian businesses, right? Because it's not like a strictly Reformed thing at this point, and that's kind of I don't know if that's to be determined, or we'll see where that kind of goes. But there's so there's that connection element there, right? And then there's the kind of the content side of it too, of just like pushing out like thought pieces. Like because I think you had a devotional I saw online a while back, so kind of that element, which is cool, like getting people to think about it and start their start their Friday reading a little what a blurb about how their job could connect to the scripture and whatnot. Yeah, yeah. And then there's so we got the we got the two aspects there, and those and those are important too, right? And then the third one would be that mentorship as well, that discipleship that you guys talk about, and kind of that's again this is initial stages of you guys getting this off the ground. So sounds like a lot of these are just cool ideas to kind of put out there. But would it be fair to say that you kind of got to get that initial connection and buy-in from people in order to make this make this a thing?

BN
Yes, yes, and there's a financial aspect of it as well, right? In order to really make the most of what's all available, in order to make connections and to do all this stuff, there needs to be some element at play there, where we can actually support people doing the mentorships, right? So part of part of what I want to do is like sponsor people who are going through a mentorship with somebody, right? In some cases, the mentor and mentee, like that's just a friendship, sort of a mutual beneficial. But in some cases, I think that there's a ton of potential for a paid position as a mentor, and I would love to see funding for that kind of thing happen.

LH
Do you think that mentors would go for that? Like I don't know. Like I'd be interested what you think about that, Mark. If you guys have talked about that idea because I feel like most mentors are not hurting for money, but they would love to give away.

MW
I’ve been wrestling with that. I kind of have something in the making right now, and I've been tossing around: is it is it something you put out there as a ministry with like without a cost? Is it something you charge for? And sometimes the free is not always an attraction because well, free is non-committal, so that's actually a trail we're on right now.

LH
You got to make a threshold there.

MW
And what is the threshold?

LH
Yeah, I know you can't make it too easy. I would also I would maybe flip it and say like, if you want to be mentored, you got to pony up a little bit.

BN
Oh, absolutely, yeah.

LH
But like the mentors themselves, I feel like they're just going to give if they like to give, right? So, if you guys can be a connection point for like people who are both learn, like I mean, like you said, it's mutually beneficial, right? People seeking to learn from each other, both mentor mentee. Like that's, I think that's a cool idea, and that's something we probably don't have enough of.

MW
What's kind of cool though is also as an older fellow, there's still people older than me, but when you see the younger generation moving forward in business, so the mentor usually is going to be older than the mentee, and my wife and I have done marriage mentoring for years, and we usually like to see couples that are about 10 years ahead mentoring another couple. So if you'd use that same principle in business, you got to be about 10 years up on the other guy. There's nothing more encouraging than to see young guys in business do well and like, “hey, is there any way I can be part of that?” So that is also a little bit of the reward there, because it's a tough economy, it's a tough country to live in, it's a tough province to live in, things are expensive. So if you'd be like, hey, I could save you a little bit of the journey over here, like don't go there, or that's not going to be helpful, or just here's some footings on which to stand as you as you right, and you save a lot of time and energy, and then time is you know a money component there that is also good for older men to say - older men, older women - to be that place in the life of a younger Christian business owner and saying how can I see you flourish, right? So that's exciting as well for an older generation, and I think that could be part of the attraction. Again, we're these are some of the formation pieces, but if Six Days could also be attracting, hey, guys who are saying, “I'll throw my hat in the ring. I've done this for a few decades, and let me know if somebody needs help in this area.” Put some prerequisites around that. What's what are the where do we mentor up to, right? Yeah. So that's part of the attraction that we want to see as well. So that'd be amazing.

BN
But, at the very least, to just encourage it at the like at basic levels, the concept and the need for mentorship is real. Our culture has said, "Hey, I got my phone, I got ChatGPT, I got all my podcasts, and the Alex Hermosie, and I'm just going to watch these videos, and I'm going to start my business, and that's how I'm going to do it. That's where I was. That's where I started, and then I was I was just given this glimpse into okay. Here's a real human being who's lived through these things, who has a good solid grasp on scripture and can read that into it. The work that you're doing every day is now completely changed.

LH
Definitely.

BN
As a Christian, it's a we're doing something different every day.

MW
Co-creators.

BN
We are co-creators with the Almighty God. We are taking the blessings that He gives us, and we're multiplying them in a lot of cases, and we're using them to the benefit of others in service to Him, ultimately.

LH
Yeah, but in doing that, you still need to be as wise as serpents, innocent as doves, and we can all like you can have - I don't want to say Christianese too much - but like there can be, yeah, you can put a bit of a Christianese spin on it, whatever. You still have to go out there and compete in the marketplace. Real life still hits you in the face, and you still got to make a paycheck, sort of thing.

BN
But are we are we outsourcing our thinking? Yeah, I that's what I'm worried about.

LH
I would agree. I think there's a danger to that. And so many resources online are like completely secular. But they had like Hermosie as a guy I listen to all the time. Totally got great business advice. But he's not a Christian.

BN
He's got some bad business advice too. If you're coming at it from a Christian perspective.

LH
Sure.

BN
I would argue, there's some things that he said where I was just like, I don't know if a Christian should be following that example, right? and that's where I think there's an opportunity as well. Is yeah, not outsourcing our thinking, like I said, and this is what you guys are doing too here at Real Talk. Like you're taking these concepts, you're taking these people, bringing them in, and just saying like, let's have this discussion because it all needs to happen and yeah, we're in a crazy time in the world where you can post a picture online and 1000s of people will see it, and it's so easy to connect with other people right now, it's crazy, but it's all digital. So let's encourage that in person connection as well. So it's both fronts. Let's hit them both. That's the exciting part.

LH
I think so. Yeah, as a young guy in business, like knowing that there's other people out there that would be interested in you know giving that advice or whatever, like in community, right? Like that's a whole, huge aspect to what I think you guys are trying to solve for.

MW
And even if the even if the business wisdom does come from a non-Christian source, that you are also being discipled in discernment. You're extracting the nuggets, and leaving behind what is not godly, not helpful, whatever, right? So that wisdom and discernment comes when you're spending time with spiritual insight, right?

LH
Well, we have such a like a wealth, like literally wealth within our circles, but like just a wealth of businesses, all these different types, like much higher ratio of business owners than the average public, even, right? Like for guys in business specifically, but even those just in the working world, like if you're in a given trade or you're whatever, a teacher, nurse, like fireman, whatever. There's so many people we know in our churches who also would have the same job. We could give you some advice on how to kind of level up in your career and become better at what you do, sort of thing, right? And having that place to kind of go for that initial, like, oh, who does this again oh okay these people cool yeah let's connect.

BN
That's all part of the story too right like I've in multiple scenarios it was like I need a business I know I'd love to work for somebody with inner circles I'd love to do this I'd need to hire a plumber I didn't know where to go and that's kind of where part of where it stemmed from.

MW
And maybe break down a little bit of the, and maybe it's an older mindset, but where we used to kind of build all our own castles and we just set them all beside each other. And how are you doing with yours? And I'm doing with mine. Sometimes it's even look over the shoulder and do the comparison game, as opposed to saying let's crack open our books and how we do this, and yeah, let's see you do well and be excited when someone else does well too. And I think that's a little bit of vulnerability there that we're not always used to. And I think the younger generation is a little bit more of a we thing than a me thing. I think there is a bit more. Let us do this together as opposed to I am going to do this over here on my own.

LH
Yeah, it is kind of actually a contrast that way, though, because like by like the older generations, they were very good at building institutions, churches, schools, etc. We may or may not have lost some of that inertia or whatever, right? Like, there's some draining support for schools, especially in this area, right? It's like, oh, okay, like, but then I also agree with you that there is more of a we attitude, maybe just in the business front or something too. So it's kind of like two curtains going in different directions.

MW
You wonder when they were building the churches and schools. I think back home they still had their own gig going on, bu.

LH
You could be right but there is a lot of intermingling…

MW
I'm not saying there wasn't any sharing. I'm just saying yeah there was a lot of standalone.

LH
They put up the walls.

MW
Yeah, yeah. There were walls put up, and I do think we're seeing that. Like we're gonna, we're - let's face it, we're gonna need each other into the future of what our country is facing.

LH
Yeah, I agree.

MW
Times are hard, things are expensive, and it's gonna be leaning in and lending a hand in whatever way, shape, or form that that that looks like.

BN
Exactly.

MW
And there is that encouragement of seeing people work together. Like what? Like you were saying earlier, right? You're in these groups on a regular basis that that you meet together and you share the difficulties going on. Like what a what a beautiful set that setup that is for Christian business minds to just sit there, even if it's in the pain of one guy going, okay, what do I do? Yeah, you're not alone in your office or in your bedroom going, how do I provide for my family? You've got six other guys around you that are saying, hey, we've got your back, and let's work through this, right?

LH
Well, because like we talk about this a lot in preparing for this episode, like how much of a formation zone that work is right, like you're putting, you know, typically at least 40 hours a week in, sort of thing, right? Yep. So that's so much time, and like, do we think about that enough?

MW
Yes.

LH
How much it’s forming us, right?

BN
How much it's forming us, and how much it displays who we are, right? It's a both and, and that's where the mentorship comes in as well. Where I'm walking along. I keep thinking back to the like the apprentice style of learning a trade, right? You're not just… like in back in the day. They often would have lived together. They would have done life together. And this actually also goes back to the recent Reformed Perspective article. Generational businesses, like the importance of walking alongside your children as they're walking, watching you do your business and see how you interact with a difficult customer and how you display honesty and you fix your mistakes that you make honestly, etc. Like the examples could keep going, but like how often is that actually happening? And the mentorship, it's kind of a snippet of that, right? We were only meeting for, I mean, we said like an hour, but it was always two or three hours a month, because we're both talkers, as you can tell.

LH
Yeah, that makes three of us.

BN
Oh man. But yeah, you get a snippet of that, and it's just like okay, I can I can speak from my experience. What are you being challenged by? Back in the day, they would have lived together, and the apprentice would look to the master for like learning how to do the skill, learn the trade, but also how to do life, how to take care of their family, be a parent, how to be just a good community member,

LH
And we have some of that today still, absolutely, but we could do more of that as well.

BN
I think so. I think we, I think, I think we have some of it, but I think like when you when it comes to the accessibility of technology and information, I think we can give ourselves the feeling that we're getting that, but we're not actually getting it. We're just watching a video. That's where my concern is too. Where it's like, oh yeah, I got all this information. Yeah, but you're not you're not doing it with somebody. There's a big difference between being taught and being mentored.

LH
Yeah, yeah. No, I know what you mean. There's no, it's not dialogical. It's not back and forth. You're not like reinforcing each other. And oh, okay, yeah. If I learn this lesson, then I have this question for you.

BN
Yeah.

LH
Then I come back with that question. You go, I hadn't thought about that. And then here's a new lesson that way. And then yeah, you kind of like keep working it out that way too.

BN
Totally, yeah.

LH
Yeah. Okay, so I think okay, so we talked a lot about like kind of what the need was for this kind of service, and so I think it's really cool what you guys are doing there. Maybe a little bit more on this topic of treating work as the primary place of obedience. I think this is a question that we should kind of consider. Like, what does it mean to do that exactly? I know you guys had spent some time thinking about that, maybe, but what does it mean? Treating work as the primary place of obedience.

MW
I think primary might be, maybe, misleading? It might be too strong. Primary, as in like primary formation. Of course, would happen within the home. And then blessed by your weekly worship. But let's face it. I mean, even what the entity is called Six Days. There are six days you shall labor, and one you rest. So we are spending a significant amount of time doing our work. So it's within that space, and let's not even look at work as say the paycheck now, or the entity, or the enterprise, or the business, but think about work in all the tasks that we do throughout the week. We also rest from our home labors, other than your basic needs on a Sunday, right? A little bit of cooking or whatever, take care of the kids, whatever you need to do. But we're stopping, like the yard work, the cleaning, the fixing, the repairs, you name it. So, work being the obedience there, a primary one of them, as the place of obedience would be like I'm thinking of Christ being our master. Like it is the Lord Christ you are serving. So, and that's pertaining to work. So, that being the case, there's going to be a holy obedience that you would have also as you conduct yourself, and that's a learned and a maturing thing because I think back to years ago how I may have treated people that I'd want to say that was not a good way to do that, right? And you grow in that. And how to forgive quickly, how to take ownership. What, who are the people who are under me that I'm responsible for? Am I clear in my language? Am I clear in my instructions? And part of the taking ownership is even just instead of pushing the blame on someone else, pointing the blame and saying, "No, that that's actually on me. I'll take responsibility.” Especially if you're a business owner, “where did I fail to communicate?” So it's so easy to point the finger and blame on someone else, which is going right back to the garden, right? Like she did, like right, and we go there so quickly. So work is going to be a place where we do a lot of neat things and build a lot of cool stuff, but it's going to be a place where there's a lot of mess ups too.

LH
Yeah, you feel that pain or the pain point, the friction every day.

MW
And work has, of course, the burden of the curse now, which is redeemed in Jesus. But there's the reality of living in a world that's still weighted heavy by sin and even our own sinful desires that can throw us off in any given day, where we're going to be working in those relationships that are close and regular, and sometimes, hey, you're in my space bubble, right? Or rubbing shoulders, or even just the quiet annoyances, whatever it might be, and I think in those places is where God tests us. Think of the fruit of the spirit, right? The love and the joy and the peace and the patience. Like these are all things that are stretched when you're in close proximity to others. So a lived obedience in the workplace. So, if I think about if God gives us this work to do, how are you representing me there, even under the circumstances of being very difficult? So that's where the obedience piece comes in, and then put all of the, of the externals of like difficult economy, and maybe your dollar doesn't go as far as it used to. And will you trust me in this? So work is so shaping in that as well. Like, are you willing to give your first fruits back to me? Type of thing, right? So all of that is in the space where obedience is. Will you take this good gift of what I give you in your health, able to generate, and will you also turn around and serve me with that? Like honor the Lord with your wealth, right? As the verse goes. So that's kind of the right the word perspective of where I'm seeing it. I don't know if you want to add something to that.

BN
When you when you say trust, like that strikes a chord for me, at least. Like in especially in the beginning, going from… I say this to a lot of people who are considering starting businesses or have started businesses. Something that like a big lesson that I learned is I like you have to trust when you're starting a business. It is a different kind of trust,

MW
Starting and going.

BN
Starting and going, of course, as you go along, because before there was there was like there was somebody in between the…

LH
Layer.

BN
There's a layer, right? Safety layer. There's like there's a safety layer. I was like, okay, my boss, he's gonna keep me busy. He's gonna make sure I'm being paid and my kids are being fed as a result. Then you start something and you start to think, no, this is it's just me and you, God. Like I need you, and the amount of times I prayed those words, I need you when I was starting my business with tears in my eyes, just because of the like the fear of it and the trust that came as a result of that. Like that has been it has been such a blessing. Then that's another aspect of - a lot of people don't really talk about much, I haven't heard it, at least - is that like starting a company, working, or being an entrepreneur, it can have a significant impact on your on your walk with God, positive or negative. For myself, it's been very positive.

LH
Was easy for it to be quite negative, though.

BN
It would be very easy.

LH
Totally suck all the life out of you into your business.

BN
Yeah, yeah, and I take zero credit. By the grace of God alone. My thankfulness and trust in Him have grown significantly as a result of this journey and partially because of people who came and walked beside me, like what a blessing that is. And it's yeah, it's totally… What what I'm getting at is that formation that happens at work can be significantly impacting, or can significantly impact your faith.

LH
Totally, it's such a testing ground, right? Like maybe I said it too strongly with the primary portion of it, right? Because I agree, obviously home and church are those are foundational, but like it's just from a where you spend your time perspective, like you're getting tested there, you know, five days a week generally. It's also a huge witness opportunity, and like I, yeah, I was just thinking as you were kind of explaining that, Mark and Ben as well too. But like, what if for like your home visit, you know how if you go apply for a job and you got to call the references or the references get called whatever, if your elders called like three or five of your coworkers or your employees, or clients, yeah, or suppliers, anybody.

MW
Like I work with this guy. Here's three people, call them, and so see what they think. I do a little interview here, and then we'll come up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting. It would almost raise the fire. It's like, whoa, right?

LH
Yeah, but like just thinking about that example in my head, I was like, yeah, that really like brings it home for me. I'm like, yeah, what do your people think of you, or what do your coworkers think of?

BN
But if you're if that's what it would require for you to do something right, then your faith there's something wrong with your understanding of who God is. He’s watching.

MW
That’s true but I think like we're kind of like we forget. Yeah, so we go out the next day. Well, that was a good day. I kind of like I did one up for God. Like so, I can just I can just I'm gonna run my own for a while here, and then we go run on our own, and we like trip and fall all over the place. So we're right back to like right. I actually need God, and we like I'm going through the Exodus and Leviticus right now in the Old Testament, and like so many times, you're like you, you dumb Israelites. Wait a minute!

LH
Oh, that's me. Oh no.

MW
There I am. Like you just got delivered. You just like through the sea, the food, the water, the manna. Like how many things? And they grumble, grumble, grumble, and like even on that end of it, it's so quick that we can be like…

BN
God sends all these people to hold them accountable, right? And that's something that we didn't really touch on earlier about the whole mentorship thing, the accountability that comes from that is actually probably one of the more important parts. It's easy to forget, but so we did our mentorship kind of year, and immediately after, I started noticing some screws coming loose in all the processes that I had set up and all the things that I had had started doing really well. Like I need my time with Mark because at least I'm at least I'm doing it for him, right?

MW
So, what that does as we represent Christ is like actually there's an there's an accountability to God. So then we are called as the physical representation of Jesus in each other's lives, right? Like, hey, like we are the body. So here we are holding each other accountable. It was also again a mutual thing. I got Ben showing up. I can't say “Ben, you got to do this in your life” but I'm over here doing that, right? That doesn't work. So there's this whole mental thing going on. You're doing like the accountability also becomes your own. So inside of that that mentoring…

LH
You point each other back to Christ. Awesome.

MW
I was thinking too. Also, just and the obedience piece is for guys anyway. And I know this was a big one in my life. Was sometimes we take our work to the to the ultimate level. Like we're like, work is what it is. Like, work is top. And like, I would, I tend to work a lot, and it was like workaholic kind of slip in. And I think there too, if you're talking about obedience, is to recognize where it is that I might actually lean in too strong and think it's me or my work is everything. Lean into my work for like even guys may escape in their work. Like I don't want to deal with it. I'm just going to work.

LH
Yep.

MW
Whether it's long hours working the shop, wherever it is. So I think there's a piece there that to also be able to stop working not only on the day of rest, of course, but also like where are the portions of my day? Okay, I've put in my time, and I do need to spend time with wife or children or whatever else it is, because otherwise there's that element of escapism or my work is my everything, right? So there's that obedience there too, which I think again, if you know that within yourself, to kind of hold that in check, or have that accountability thing, say like, right, I've got this thing going on, I find myself working all the time.

LH
Yeah, well, and also defining what the work is too, right? Because I think obviously in today's day and age, we have a very like compartmentalized view of work in terms of like this is my normal nine to five or whatever, right? But like you were mentioning earlier, Ben, in terms of like how we used to work a lot more in community, like kind of pre-industrial revolution sort of thing too. I think Nancy Pearcey has a book on that. I think it was in the Total Truth book. I can't remember exactly, but kind of just talking about, yeah, how that's it was so much different, and families were all working together, right? So obviously we get away from that with the change in technology and over the last few hundred years, but like for us as Christians to think, think hard and long about this. To be like, hey, like, yeah. How much time do I want to put into my daily endeavor that way? And what other responsibilities do I have in the home front, specifically as guys? Because I agree with you. It's very…

MW
Or more church, right? Or school? Where like there might be other places that I can be called. And the hard thing is, you mentioned nine to five, but the hard thing is when you own your own business. When you yeah, you actually can flex those hours. You can't have the shop nearby, or the offices nearby, or in your home, or whatever it is

BN
On your phone,

MW
And you're trickling out there, and you're spending the time there. So just a caution to say, well, how am I guarding against leaking into my work all the time? Because it is not a nine to five.

LH
It's the benefit of like it can be more like part of your life, which is it feels more natural and nice that way. I guess you're not like oh I'm like doing a long commute and I'm doing a nine to five, doing a long commute back, but also it can just never end as well. So you have to be careful with that.

MW
Think of the farmer where he's up. The farm. Yeah, totally 4:30 in the morning and you're still doing work at seven eight at night sometimes right, or more. And seasonal. Like we live in Ontario here like life is seasonal so there's an urgency there all the time it's go go go go you've only got from you know this to you know April May to October November it's go go go and then the snow comes and then you got to do all the repairs and then do it all over again, right? Like, so we are seasonal. You go down south, we've been in some of the warmer climates, and it's like, yeah, we'll get it tomorrow because they can. Yeah, we don't always have the tomorrow.

LH
We got the work ethic, that's not a problem. No, that's right. But it's like we got all this effort and energy. But it's like, how are we spending it, and like, are we being wise with it, right? And yeah, I think that mentorship and that accountability is great for helping channel that way.

BN
Absolutely, and it doesn't always have to be like we were talking about earlier, it doesn't always have to be one on one, and sometimes it's a group setting.

LH
Local business group, whatever.

BN
Right. So you were talking about a local group of guys that you meet with. I have a similar thing that recently got started up, and it's been it's been such a blessing. Like we've only met twice, but already to even just today we had our second meeting. I learned something from each person that was there, and we do that accountability thing as well, where we each commit to doing something for the next week or for the next meeting. And now the accountability is real. Like you've got eight guys, seven guys, who you're gonna are you gonna go to the next meeting and say I didn't, I didn't even try, right?

LH
You feel the pressure.

BN
The pressure’s on. But not just that. Like we had a conversation about giving and how like as business owners, how do you how do you give? How do you tithe? What's that? What does that look like? Because it does change in in that new kind of circumstance that you might find yourself in. And I was so inspired by one of the guys who was talking about his time as a deacon. What that taught him, what the need is, and it changed the way he gave.

MW
There's the old saying, "Give till it hurts.” I don't know if we always do that.

BN
I don't. I don't think we do.

LH
Well, it reminds me. You saying that reminds me that piece, well, there was two pieces in RP over the last year, year half or so. Marty VanDriel, the assistant editor over there had a piece on this whole like corporate tithing sort of thing, and then Bruce DeBoer, the chairman for the board of RP, had a great piece more recently on their kind of approach of like giving like the 1% off the top, which ends up like trickling down to be about 10% or whatever. But like it's just that that faith of giving it up front. So different ways to do it, but I think like thinking creatively and what works for your business cycle and cash flow cycle and all that. Like it's cool to think about those things and it's important to think about those things and encourage each other to be yeah like you say give until it hurts like don't just give a little bit here. Like think about yeah don't think about your business just as like this, like I'm just gonna make tons of money and give it away, sort of thing. But like, yes, it can generate profit. It should generate profit. It needs to generate profit. But like, that's a piece of it. And then also think about all the lives you can impact.

BN
Yeah, and be strategic about it. Right? There's efficient ways to give. There's strategic ways to maybe withhold giving because the future there's something happening that could potentially… right there's all these different….

LH
Give in services of what you do

BN
There’s all different ways to give. I think that the in person giving of time I mean personally that's a struggle for me I like that's something that I know I need to work on, um, because like that's the most valuable thing I own, um, but it's something that I've realized now owning a business you have mastery over your own time. That's something that Mark had to work into me because I was still, kind of stuck in my old nine to five thinking. It's just like I gotta, I gotta put the hours on here, here, here. He was like, "No, man, like you can do things a little differently now. You have mastery over your own time.” Which changes. Okay, where can I give my time? Right? That nine to five, those hours in between, they used to belong to so and so, my boss, but now, now I can I can be flexible and I can say, oh yes, there's a need here. I can take a break from my work and I can go help there. Yeah, what a blessing that is too.

LH
Totally, totally. So this has been this has been great. Like I really appreciate the kind of high level overview we've done now, but I think we all know that like it wouldn't be Real Talk if we didn't get into the real talk. So I'm gonna hit you with a few different topics here of like areas in business life where yeah, if you had a mentor, you might wrestle through these issues, and perhaps you guys have in in the year or so that you guys have been kind of keeping each other accountable that way. But I would say off the hop. I know you're passionate about this one, Ben, but there's a real need for men in particular. If you would like your wife to stay home, you got to get out there and you got to make some decent money nowadays. Like because of this whole two income trap and the way the real estate market is and all that. Even with it declining, it's still just brutal. Yeah. So, like, what are some conversations you guys have had in this topic, and how does that kind of play into Six Days?

BN
There's multiple aspects to this that I've thought about deeply. Let's just say that.

LH
Yeah. Walk me through one.

BN
One of them is, I think it's incredibly important for - long term - for the for the Christian faith, for the kingdom of Christ, for discipleship to happen in the home, and that needs to happen by parents, specifically the mother. Right, they have a task given by God to raise the children up. Obviously, the father plays a massive role in that. But in today's day and age, like you were saying, with the costs of everything, the father needs to make quite a bit of money in order to create a space for that mother to stay home and raise the children, right? It's a totally different scenario

LH
If you want to own your own home. Although rent is pretty rent is also pretty crazy too.

BN
Rent is pretty expensive too, but there's another side to that. I'm not sure how much I want to share because this is this gets really personal. My wife and I, when we had our first child, that this was a this was a big topic for us in multiple ways, partially because she's a very ambitious woman, and she loved working, partially because we there was a tension there because she also knew because she's a biblical woman that she had a role to play in the home.

LH
Yeah.

BN
So we struggled through this, and the third tension was the financial aspect of understanding what I was making, what our costs were. When we entered into that phase where mat leave kind of ran out, right, and then you get to a point where it's like, okay, what are we gonna do? We just prayed, and we said, “God, we know we're not in a position to sustain what we have here on Ben's income, but we believe that you have called Jacqueline to be here”, and we just prayed that, and we trusted, and we made the decision that she was not going back to work, and God provided, not by giving me a raise, but He provided in some other way. And if you if you want to talk about learning trust, that is that is a hard lesson. But the Bible is just so full of these examples of God making something where there wasn't anything, right? I was I was dwelling on Jesus feeding the 5000 men, 10,000 probably people with a couple loaves of bread and a couple little fish.

MW
He always gave thanks.

BN
First, he gave thanks. Yeah, yeah. So you got the faith of Andrew bringing, bringing this child who's like, hey, he's got a lunch, 5000 people here. Jesus, what can you do? And Jesus says, "Thank you”, to his father, and then he distributes it, and everybody eats all that they need. Actually, no, sorry, I forgot a detail there, and this important detail. He gives it to his disciples, and they distribute it. Right? He calls men to do the distribution for him, and then everybody eats enough. They're all satisfied, and there's more left over than when they started with. Right? Like what a what a picture of the God that we serve, the mighty King Jesus, who is ruler over all, all authorities His, that includes your bank account.He will make $5 go 100 times as far. He can. He can do it all. Understanding that and running your your home and your business, understanding that I think is critical but also understanding the structure that God has laid out for us from creation, and obviously it doesn't work for everybody. There's always going to be examples of situations where things aren't quite the same. Yep, but the principles are there, and we ought to be guided by them, yeah.

LH
Mark, are we being dramatic as young guys, making this out to be a bigger challenge than it is, or do you see a shift?

MW
I see a huge shift, particularly in in the cost of living. Like it used to be, you could have a reasonable job, even a small business, like one or two, you know, people, and buy a home and buy a car or truck, whatever you need. Have a car or van for your wife, and that's how we grew up. And actually, in our case, my wife would stay home with the children, but she would also take care of the business side of things the accounting and so on yeah took care of the books. Did that for multiple years still doing that today as our son took over the company and that was a great way so that was an innovative way to say “okay how do we now have mom at home with the kids but also you know working her own hours” evenings or when the kids are napping, or whatever, getting creative, taking the kids to the bank, or whatever it was. That was a way of providing in that scenario with mom at home and in the business. But in terms of what you're asking, also on this whole, are we seeing things like challenging? Certainly, right now. Sometimes I wonder how is it that even on you know the $35 to $40 an hour wage, like how can you over 40 or 50 hours a week pay for all the needs that you would have between living expenses, groceries, now fuel going crazy on us, and then just simply saying, you know, giving and so on as well. So it certainly takes a lot of creativity. It takes a lot of mutual working together. I think that's huge. Like, how are you doing? A type of thing, and the younger generation is doing that. Getting creative, getting creative, also even just in living spaces. Totally. So, how do you now maximize on this house? Is there living on the land?

BN
Oh, multi generational!

MW
That's right. That seems to be a buzzword. A thing that's coming back. There's more units on this property than there. You know, the single family dwelling, you know, of old. So we adapt, but we don't do it in sort of this void. We are those who take it to God, as you as you have done as well, and just say, "Lord, what would you have us do here?” And that takes a huge element of faith, because I mean, we all like to have it that there's money coming in, money in the bank account, we can make some decisions financially. Whereas if it's like, I just had a young fella say to me today, like living paycheck to paycheck is no fun.

LH
No.

MW
Nervous to take the next step. What is the next step? I don't see what the next step is. Work is slow. I mean, people have lost jobs. Contracts are smaller. There's a lot more guys bidding on contracts, what is it, right? So that makes it very difficult.

LH
Want to pick up on the multi generational aspect that you kind of raised there too. It also ties into yeah having jobs that are that can sustain a living wage nowadays too, right? In terms of like, if you are successful in your business, you grow your business. Do you grow your business to sell your business, or do you grow it with the intention of always making a multi-generational, pass it off the next generation thing? Because you just mentioned you did that with your son, and that's I think a great thing. And those jobs are still there, and that's that business is still active, and they're doing their thing too and supporting the community in that way. But you also see larger businesses or businesses of different sizes, whatever, and they will sell off. And we've seen that in our church community locally here as well. And then you go, “Okay, well, I'm sure that money is getting used and supporting our various causes, and that's all fine and good. But those jobs are kind of gone, and they've moved away.” So, but yet still, some businesses spring up out of that as well. So, I'm just curious for your perspective if that's something you guys have talked through, or that's a topic for the next business meetup for Ben.

MW
We haven't talked about this directly, but I will say this. I've thought about this even in my own world, but selling companies or whatever it is. If there's income generated even from the sell-off of a company, I think there's a stewarding of those, stewarding of those funds that you turn around and then tie into something like Six Days as that business hub of like, okay, I need contractors to do this, even if you've moved out of the area or other guys are setting up business. How do you just start that ball rolling all over again? Whether it's me needing to do a renovate or a build on or add another dwelling or whatever it is, get creative. That we can also look at the younger generation. Who can I invest in by even just seeing them do meaningful work? And then you can even mentor by hiring, saying, "Hey, I see you doing this in your business. This is you're doing this really well”, or “are you open for some advice? Because here's what I saw. Maybe room for improvement.” So that's a way to transfer wealth that it's through meaningful work, and then also, what is it that that money is generating in terms of giving and investing in other means, other than you know not just contractors coming to work for you. Perhaps it would be initiatives or new entities that are needed, new ministries that are started up. Lots of opportunities.

LH
Yeah, there’s good that comes out of it both ways. But yeah, yeah. I just, I guess, yeah. There's, it's gonna be different for everyone in their scenario. But I just think of that article that that was in RP recently about the multi generational businesses, and I think you talk about living in multi generational situations, and yeah, that's kind of making a comeback, maybe more so out of financial necessity. But it's kind of it might be some hidden blessings there as well for us to kind of think about that more and more. Because I, I'll confess, as a young guy in business, like my mindset is always like you build it to sell it, and like yeah, maybe you sell it, maybe you won't sell it.

MW
So this is the thing. So I had the company that I pretty much just finished selling to our oldest son and originally when we started, I was in partnership with a brother that lasted for a decade. Then we split, went on our own. And I like way back when it was like this is what I love to do. Was not thinking about building a company to sell. It was working with my hands so that I could provide for my family. Later on, as our family, we had children and some of them were boys, and then one of them took interest. Then it became like, oh, okay, like maybe this succession thing is something we'll do. And then we did do it, and it worked very well. So other ones like big businesses are like build them up. They become you know moving entities. Is like let's build it up and sell it. Who's going to grab it? Highest bidder type of thing. And even if you did that, so with your company, you're like wow, I just sold it good money. You're going to turn around as a Christian, and that's going to end up somewhere in the Christian community, right? You're going to either buy a home, or you're going to invest in other people, or you start another company, or start three companies.

LH
Well, it's super, it's actually really efficient if you think about it, because you're getting paid out on your EBITDA, basically your profit. Let's say for the purpose of this podcast, times number of years that they live to valuable, you know. So if it's like 5x, 6x, if it's pretty valuable, whatever. So you could take that. Let's say it's only 3x or 4x, and you're getting paid on that money, and you would get that, and you can go take that money and do more with it in the you know proceeding three to four years, right? So there's a good case to be made for that too. But again, I read that piece. I thought, huh, that is that is interesting about the whole multi generational thing. But feel like that's more when you're like in a particular like trade, pure trade. Like we're like buying and selling commercial steel doors. Like it's like, hey, that's cool. But I have two daughters. Like, do they want to do that? Who knows? Probably not. But so we'll see where things go. But that's a long way down the road. But that got me thinking too.

BN
Totally.

LH
Okay. I'm gonna hit you with one other. Do you have a thought before I go to next topic?

BN
No, I'm okay.

LH
I want to hit you one other one of like a real talk issue on when we're talking work, workplace, whatever. There's a stereotype out there, and I've seen it. I've talked to different people who've experienced it too, where you have the older Dutch owner, and yeah, maybe he's given to the church and doing the right things, whatever. But he's cheap, tight fisted, very cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheapest chips. And it doesn't always show up in the worst spots because there's a good like could be thrifty, obviously. But it can definitely show up not only in a cheapness in pay sometimes for sure, keeping people at a wage that like you probably could pay them more if you wanted to, but you justify it because you give money away in your business, but also just not investing in people, right? Like I see this specifically in the trades where like a guy been working at a place and he'll be kind of stuck at this level, and the owner doesn't really want to grow the business, he doesn't really invest anything extra in his guy, and that guy in turn gets frustrated. He might work there from 18 to 25. In that period of time, he gets married, has a kid or two, and then, like you say, he's like, even if you're making 35 bucks an hour, you're like still pretty tight nowadays. Like I got to make some more money. Still, this is nuts, right? So, like, what about that sort of like issue in our circles? Like, you think that if we had some more mentorship and accountability, we could kind of talk through those things, or is that something that you've seen? Especially, I'm thinking of you, Mark, maybe over the years too. If has there been growth in that area, or am I making too much of this stereotype and it's not actually that big of a deal?

MW
What I've seen, and there are a number of businesses in Niagara, I have seen, thankfully, actually a lot of Christian owners who do invest in their people and they take it seriously. They're interested in their home life, interested what's going on, making sure that hey, do you have enough to meet your needs? Even taking care when there's an injury like a health difficulty. So actually, I've heard more good than bad. It is a real diss, I will say, on let's even talk about Jesus here. That like, if you would be a business owner and you're known to be a Christian and you are either you know stretching people thin or cutting corners or doing shady deals, I think that's dragging the name of Jesus in the mud. So I think accountability there would be like okay, number one, who do I know doing this? Maybe that's the time you should be having a conversation with them and say, “listen, this is what I heard. Is it true?” Because I mean, it might not be true. It might be just hearsay. But certainly. again, thankfully, a lot of the businesses I know they've taken very good care of their people, and I think that's good to see. And then that's where accountability and mentorship, and even those groups you were talking about, business groups and stuff. That's where you're into, like, how are you treating your people, and how do you make sure that they're taken care of? No, it's been probably more positive than negative. But occasionally you're like, that's really not good. People will always hold out and say, I know that guy's a Christian, and right away they'll forget all the good stuff going on in the Christian realm, and be like that one guy, like he's a jerk, and that means a lot of those Christians are just, they're just cheapskate Dutchmen, and right, like that's it's sad to say, but the…

LH
The bad apple can spoil a bunch.

MW
It clings around, it just sticks around for a long time. So just to not go there.

BN
Yeah, we talk a lot about holding everything with an open hand, right? An important principle. So, whether or not it's happening, I don't have enough insight to say. I'm sure it is happening in some cases, but yeah, absolutely. The effects of holding people accountable, and also just seeing if there's ways to kind of inject some principles like holding everything with an open hand and understanding that it belongs to God.

LH
Yep. Well, and having that honesty and that open dialog and communication can help with that too, right? Because that's a response you can see out of fear, right? If you're always not sure as a business owner, and there's always a ton of that still at that element of yeah, you don't know what the future brings. No one does, right? Yeah, and you have to be wise about how you know whatever run your run your affairs. But yeah, having that open hand, having that trust, whether that's starting or continuing on, and early or late in the journey, there's that's never going to go away. I don't think.

MW
No. Wouldn't it be interesting if every Christian business owner, male or female, wouldn't it be amazing that it would be almost an expectation that you had at least one, no less than one, like a mentor, a Christian mentor in in your life. I mean, I think I think the church could do that as well. Like, who are who are the people that are around you that are walking the journey with you? But in business too, like okay, you're starting up a company. Like, let's go on to Six Days, let's say, and who is in your area that could mentor? Not only mentoring you, we wanted to see you do well, but also that you would honor Christ in your business because it is the face of Jesus going out there every day in the world as we do our work. This is our ministry. We are on mission in the kingdom of God. So to take that seriously and say, "Hey, look! I just heard you starting up, right? And look, I don't have it all figured out, but if we're here, you know, as iron sharpens iron, one man sharpens another, you wanna journey for a while together? I'm not saying for a life, but maybe for a time?” And yeah, other people will come in. Now you've got this other group you're with, right? So yeah, I think that if that wasn't necessarily a prerequisite, but at least like that's we go there. Like I just heard you're in business, okay? And that became part of the business formation is like don't do it alone. Yeah, not a good scene. A lot of just for a whole lot of reasons, you can be you know shot in all kinds of different directions. Coerced here and whoops, did that, and shady deals, whatever, right?

LH
Oh, and you feel like you can't talk about it too. Like sometimes I feel like as a business owner, like if we're thinking specifically on the owner side of things as well, of just like, oh, these are unique challenges, or like maybe like this whole imposter syndrome of like, yeah, I don't know what I'm doing half the time. Yeah, like that's actually a lot of people. Some people do, and they can mentor you. They've been there before. Yeah, they made the mistakes,

MW
And to just reduce the whole shame. Like I got this problem. Like, okay, thanks for sharing. Like, like, how do we go through it? It's worked. Actually, I really did bad, and like, I'm just confessing right now, right? Like, just to say that was that was not good. And then there's people I gotta go back to and seek forgiveness, right? Like I think that's part of the growth in the kingdom.

LH
Totally.

BN
Absolutely, it's all part of it.

LH
It's a it's important realm. It's a realm we spend a lot of time in. It's one that we can help each other along in in our walk with Christ. And yeah, the business is a mission field.

BN
And the work is worship.

LH
And the work is worship. Amen to that. Wonderful. Well, thanks, gents. I really appreciate you guys making the time and coming down the studio. This was a lot of fun, and yeah. If you got any, you got any closing comments or thoughts you want to leave? Anything you felt like we missed, or feel like we left the people with a good nugget or two.

BN
Well, at least something to think about. Something to chew on, hopefully and get the conversation started.

LH
Yes, yeah, this is just open up the dialog, and it's I mean it's the same lines as Real Talk of just hey, we can inform a little bit, fantastic. Have some guests on that that know a thing or two and inspire future conversations, whether that's in business, in church, family, marriage, anywhere in life, right? There's as we all just journey on this life together and..

MW
On a mission, as the kingdom of God advances through our work.

LH
Bingo, Yeah, this has been Real Talk. We'll catch you next time.

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Being the Church

Laughter in the pews

My mother has a wise saying, one of many I might add, that if you go to church faithfully, you'll experience lots of interesting things. And she wasn't even talking about the sermons. She was referring to those unexpected events during the church service, things that shock or surprise us, or may even move us to fits of giggles or tears of laughter. I suppose each of us will have a favorite story to tell. And for some reason, things seem excruciatingly funny just when we're trying to be the most solemn. The smart shopper This tale happened on a Sunday morning late one January. The matronly Mrs. de Member (not her real name) sailed confidently up the aisle with a row of children in tow. This was a normal weekly occurrence. However, this Sunday the confidence was sadly misplaced. Mrs. de Member, no doubt in the busyness of getting half a dozen children church-ready, had forgotten to do a final check on herself. Perhaps her husband had already tooted firmly on the Suburban's horn, to remind his family that it really was time to go. After all, he did not want to be the last one in the consistory room, again. The brothers were not always gentle in their ribbing. Yes, if Mrs. de Member had done that final mirror check, she certainly would have noticed the sales tag that was now flapping and twirling from the back collar of her brand new winter coat. The offending stub informed all the curious that Mrs. de Member was a most frugal shopper. Apparently, she had waited until the price had been reduced, not once, not twice, but three times to less than fifty percent of the original! As she and her family settled into their pew, a couple of irreverent young rascals in the bench behind her snickered. Their mother signaled vigorously to shush them. Of course, no one was brave enough to draw Mrs. de Member's attention to the advertisement, and certainly no one had thought to bring a pair of scissors, to perhaps unobtrusively snip off the wayward tag. By the end of the service, everyone within reading distance knew the price down to the penny, including GST. Mrs. de Member was not in church in the afternoon. One of the little ones had apparently developed a bad cold over the lunch hour. Alone in the pews Church attendance with one's unpredictable progeny can be a challenging, and often humbling experience. Training the young ones to sit still and listen takes weeks even months. With some more recalcitrant offspring, years. (Some never learn, but move effortlessly from embarrassing their long-suffering parents to annoying the vigilant elders, who keep a hawk's eye on the socializing teens on the balcony.) In any event, the Sunday eventually arrives when a young Dad and Mom, let's call them Jim and Jenny, feel confident enough to attend the Lord's Supper, together. After having sternly warned their young ones to behave and having left a generous supply of peppermints with the eldest to be doled out at the appropriate moment, Jim and Jenny march resolutely up the aisle to the table. The minister greets them with a smile, and they take their seats, facing him. The minister speaks, the participants listen, the bread is passed, participants chew gently and swallow unobtrusively. All is quiet in the pews. The minister speaks once more, lifts the silver carafe high and the sparkling red liquid pours in a glittering stream into one of four silver goblets. He speaks the familiar words. He passes a goblet to his right, then one to his left. At that precise moment, a shrill little voice pierces the stillness. "Amy, give me a peppermint! Mommy said we could have a peppermint when the minister poured the wine!" A titter of barely suppressed laughter ripples through the pews. Here and there a Mom and Dad give each other a knowing wink and a sympathetic nudge. Remember what it was like? Jenny rubs her nose nervously, as a red flush creeps slowly up her neck and suffuses her face. Jim rummages in his trouser pockets, retrieves a pristine white handkerchief, and surreptitiously wipes his unexpectedly perspiring brow. How did it get so hot in here, all of a sudden? Thankfully, no further audible altercations ensue. Amy must have doled out the peppermints according to plan. The wine goblet, dutifully sipped from by all, has made its way around the table, and been returned to its place in front of the minister. All are attentive to the brief meditation. The organ begins the strains of a familiar psalm. The congregation joins in. The music fades, wafting gently upward to the rafters. The minister stands and nods. The participants rise and turn toward their pews. Jim and Jenny come down the aisle, eyes averted, shoulders rigid. Quickly they find their seats. And then again that high-pitched, persistent voice. "Mommy, Amy didn't give us any peppermints, but I said she had to, 'cause you told her to." "I know dear," Jenny whispers, placing her fore finger firmly over little Jimmy's lips. "Sh-h-h! You can tell me about it later." Congregational lore Two stories. There are many more. There was the time the minister lifted the lid off the baptismal font, only to find there was no water. Or the time when there was not enough wine to go around. Or the time the minister almost forgot to serve the wine. There was the time when an elder hauled his misbehaving daughter up front to sit in the elders' bench with him. The poor minister was so taken aback, he attempted a few more sentences, and then pronounced a speedy "Amen." Grandmas have fainted. Children and even an elder reading the sermon have vomited up their breakfast and whatever else they might have eaten before church. Collection bags have been dropped; coins and candies have rolled down the aisles. Birds and bees have flown in through open windows. Conversations from consistory rooms have been overheard by whole congregations, via the minister's microphone. Bibles have dropped from balconies on unsuspecting members seated below. And the best stories become part of congregational lore. They become part of our identity and shared experience. And in a strange way, they help us to love each other better. This article was first published is May 2000....

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Being the Church

Christians don’t pray

Who says that Christians don’t pray? Of course, Christians pray, don’t they? Isn’t prayer one of the essential characteristics of Christian life? Every time the family sits at a meal someone prays asking God to bless the food. When they go to church, the preacher prays and people bow their heads and join him in prayer, don’t they? What kind of nonsense is this to say that Christians don’t pray? Wow, what a way to start an article! Let me see if I can explain. ***** It is Friday evening and a missionary has come to your church to present the situation in Upper Castelia. He says that the national leaders are in some distress, the people are poor and mistreated, the missionaries are understaffed, and the government is refusing to grant visas to new missionaries. They are also having difficulty with their financial support. The people need Bibles, food, medical help, and national pastors. But his main concern is the need for prayer for the people. He asks the congregation to pray for him and his family as they will be returning to Upper Castelia Castelia next month. The appeal strikes a chord in your heart and mind. You say to yourself, “By God’s grace, I will pray.” As the pastor closes the service, he mentions the need to pray for “our sister Martha” in the hospital with cancer. After the service you shake hands with the missionary and give his wife a hug. You whisper to them, “I’ll pray for you.” You get into your car and drive through traffic rehearsing in your mind the words of the missionary. You are a careful driver but there are so many bad drivers who speed or forget to signal. And some guy seems to be glued to your back bumper. Aloud, you say, “Why aren’t there any police around to arrest him for tailgating? Drivers these days need to take a refresher course on driving courtesy.” When you arrive home a little frustrated, you have things to do. The kids have to get to bed on time because Saturday is a busy day. After you tuck them in you can relax. This will give you some time to check a few things on Facebook. A few hours later, you pull yourself away from the computer and turn on the television evening news. Looks like taxes are going to increase. Cost of living is up. There was an accident on the major highway. An offender was released on parole after serving only half of his sentence. The fire crews were called out to a blaze on Main Street. There’s a hint of some impending scandal in the government. The sports scores show that your team is not doing nearly as well as it should. Ahh, here’s the weather. Tomorrow is going to be pretty much the same as today with the slight possibility of precipitation. After the news you tidy up the place, put the few empty snack dishes into the sink, yawn, and get into bed ... too tired to pray. Saturday is another busy day. The children are up early. Bob needs a ride to sports practice and Barb needs to go to swim class. The Thompsons are coming over for the barbecue. You’re too busy to pray. On Sunday morning you rush around getting the family ready for church. During the service, your pastor mentions the good meeting last Friday with the Upper Castelia missionaries. Yes, you silently agree, “We need to pray for them.” Apart from church, Sunday’s routine doesn’t differ significantly from the other days. You said you would pray for the missionaries, but you haven’t. You are irritated by bad drivers, but you don’t pray for them. You are disturbed by what you hear and see on the news, but you don’t pray. You complain about the government, but you don’t pray. Since Martha wasn’t in church, you forgot all about her. And I say, “Christians don’t pray.” ***** I hate to say it (having been a pastor, now retired) but even some pastors don’t pray. They lead in prayer in church services, they pray at the bedside of suffering people, and they promise to pray for you. But with all the cares of the church, they don’t spend time praying in their offices or in their homes. Again I say, “Christians don’t pray.” Jesus prayed. Many times He went off alone to pray. The disciples watched the Lord pray and came to the realization that compared to Him they really didn’t pray. They heard the self-righteous prayers of the Pharisees, but Jesus prayed differently. They came to Jesus with a simple request: “Lord, teach us to pray” (Luke 11:1). They wanted a life of prayer. The Lord’s response was just as simple as their request. In the Sermon on the Mount, He told them to avoid the way that their leaders prayed. Then He gave them a template for prayer. You have probably memorized it. “Our Father in heaven, Hallowed be Your name. Your kingdom come. Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen” (Matt. 6:9-13, NKJV). The ancient Greeks argued about which was more important: form or content. To a thirsty person, form without content is like a cup with no water. Content without form is like a splash of water in the face. Both form and content (cup and water) are necessary. When it comes to a life of prayer, the same is true. The words and requests are the content, but the structure is the form. A prayer list needs some structure. The Lord’s answer to the request of the disciples provides us with a very comprehensive structure. “Hallowed be Your name.” Begin with exalting God. When Jesus died on the cross, “the veil of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom” (Matt. 27:51). And now we who believe in Jesus Christ have free access to God. We can approach God’s throne of grace boldly to “obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Heb. 4:16). Prayer, therefore, begins with adoration of God as your heavenly Father who invites you into His presence. “Your kingdom come.” Pray for the extension of the Lordship of Christ in the lives of your relatives, friends, and neighbors. Pray for missionary work around the world. Be specific. “Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.” God has set leaders over us so that His will might be done here. He has given the church pastors and elders to give spiritual guidance. Pray for them. We are to be subject to the civil authorities, too. Pray for teachers, police, firemen, wardens, medical people, employers, and political leaders. “Give us this day our daily bread.” Notice that our needs are not first in the list and it is not “my” need but “our” need. What are the daily needs of your family, church, friends, co-workers, and neighbors? The elderly need safety and health. Parents need wisdom. “Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.” In the same way that we forgive others, we want God to forgive us. Remember the story of the steward who would not forgive the man who was under him although he himself had been forgiven a vast amount (Matt. 18:23-35). The man who has truly been forgiven cannot help but to forgive others. “Lord, forgive me for my sin.” “Do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.” This is a prayer for spiritual safety as well as physical safety for you and all those you know. We ask to be kept from temptation, including the temptation to waste our time that keeps us from our prayer time. Your temptation may be different from mine, so ask for the Holy Spirit’s guidance for spiritual victory. Early in our marriage, we spent a few days with my wife’s parents. Her father was a successful pastor. I asked my mother-in-law, “What is Dad’s secret?” She said, “I have patched the knees of his long johns many times, but I have never patched the seat.” On a personal note, every day for the 60 years of our marriage, we have spent at least 30 minutes each evening as our devotional time. I will read about two chapters of the Bible aloud and my wife will follow along in her Bible, then she will pray aloud. The next night it’s her turn to read two chapters and I pray. We have read the Bible through cover-to-cover many times in many versions. We have several pages of prayer requests. Each page follows the pattern of the Lord’s prayer. May I encourage you to turn off the computer and the TV half an hour before bedtime. Dedicate that time to reading aloud and praying. I started this article with the words, “Christians don’t pray” but after reading what I have written, I hope you can say, “Some Christians don’t pray, but with God’s help, I pray.” John Barach has been a pastor and Bible college professor and still runs a biblical Greek tutorial website at GreekDoc.com. He and his wife look to celebrate their 60th anniversary in August....

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Being the Church

God loves a cheerful giver

6 ways to restore the joy of giving ***** In one sense, the most faithful givers during the earthly ministry of Jesus Christ were the Pharisees, as He Himself said: “you Pharisees… tithe mint and rue and every herb” (Luke 11:42). However, a fuller look at this passage shows that Jesus was not pleased with their self-glorifying and joyless giving: “But woe to you Pharisees! For you… neglect justice and the love of God” (Luke 11:42). Christ wants us to give from the heart so we should never allow our generosity to become merely a dutiful routine. But it can easily happen. For example, one way to give responsibly to your church is to give by automatic or pre-authorized withdrawal. If you have a stable income, it’s an excellent way to commit to giving your first fruits each month… but it can also become almost invisible, to the point that you barely realize that you are giving at all. Yet, “God loves a cheerful giver” (2 Cor. 9:7). So how can we be more heartfelt, God-loving, and cheerful in our giving? Be more intentional – if you invest your time and thoughts, your heart will follow. So here’s a half dozen ways to restore the joy in your giving. 1. See for yourself While our giving shouldn’t be motivated by our pleasure, it can be motivated by knowing the good it is doing. Paul demonstrates this when he shares with the Corinthians the blessing their gift will be for those in need in Jerusalem, and also shares what glory it will give God (2 Cor. 9:12-13). If you are giving faithfully to your congregation’s budgetary needs, invest some time as well. Read over the budget before the annual congregational meeting to see where your money is going. Focus carefully on the reports of the various committees in your congregation to see or hear what they have been doing and hope to be doing in the year ahead. When giving to other Reformed and Christian causes, get informed about them, and be sure to sign up for updates on the work being done by any ministry you are supporting. Visiting the building where an organization does its work can give you a better understanding of the value of, and the need for, its services. For example, when I recently visited Edmonton’s Hope Mission, Ryan Harding, the Mission’s manager of community engagement, told me of one client who had, more than a decade ago, actually threatened Ryan while high on crystal meth, but who was now ministering to others at the Mission. While I was there I saw the Mission was putting up wooden barriers around one end and one side of each bunk, so I asked about it. Ryan explained that many of the men they served had felt a lack of privacy, being exposed on every side – the barriers fixed that, and they also lowered the level of conflict among their clients. However, Ryan stressed that these barriers come with a cost. There’s the financial cost of installing them, and also the expenses involved in the increased need for more supervision because the barriers block staff’s view of the men in the bunks – now it is harder to see if men are using drugs or might be having a medical emergency. Being there, and being able to see and ask questions gave me a good sense of their need for funds and the careful use they are putting them to. And that certainly increases the joy in giving! 2. Let others know Share your newsletters from Christian charities and ministries with your friends and neighbors. Promote those same organizations on social media, being sure to open your posts with acknowledgment that their successes are due to God’s blessing and to His glory. If the leaders of the ministries you support have written a book or two about their work, request a copy, read it, talk about it, and pass it along to your nearest Little Free Library, or lend it to multiple interested people. The Westminster Shorter Catechism tells us, rightly, that “the chief end of man” is to “glorify God and enjoy Him forever,” so let the world know how the groups and people are bringing glory to God. “Blessings box” let’s light shine The “blessings box” pictured here has been built by Providence Canadian Reformed Church on the edge of their property in the middle of their residential Edmonton neighborhood. Church members share all kinds of blessings with their neighbors via the blessings box: canned goods (in the summer), dry goods, hygiene items, and, as mentioned in the article, good Christian books. Providence Church supplies stickers with Bible verses to put on the items shared. The church members’ goal is for the neighbors of Providence Church to see it as, by the grace of God, a blessing to their neighbors, and to encourage their neighbors to check out what makes this church so willing to be a blessing. For more information, see ProvidenceReformed.ca/the-blessings-box. 3. Get your hands, or feet, involved Consider giving more than just your money. Put in some sweat equity to, again, have a better idea of what your money is supporting. In your church, volunteer to provide coffee and other refreshments on Sunday; buy supplies for your church’s Little Free Library or Blessings Box; join your church’s outreach to the neighborhoods around the church building; become a member of the church’s Committee of Administration or sound crew; and either step up to allow your name to stand as a candidate for office-bearer or support your office-bearers with hospitality, or errands, or meals to support their families during the busy times of an office-bearer’s term. As far as spending volunteer time outside your own congregation, the idea of regularly volunteering for a particular organization may seem scary or impractical for you. Perhaps you are feeling a mismatch between your talents and the organization’s needs, or maybe you have bigger commitments right now to your church and/or your family. “If so, perhaps you can support others’ efforts: encourage your kids to get involved (and commit to driving them if needed), or help make it possible for your spouse to free up some time to contribute to this cause.” Getting together with others to support your favorite organization spreads the joy, and promotes the glory of God, that much more. For instance, if you only have time to make one visit to see what an organization is doing, you may still be able to bring others with you. Organize a group to tour the headquarters or the sites where the ministry does its outreach. If you can only commit to one afternoon or one evening a year for the organization, see if you can help get a team together, or make a date of it with your spouse for the group’s annual fundraiser. And if that fundraiser is a walkathon, it gets you into the fresh air, gives you exercise, and promotes your fellowship for a morning or afternoon together – win/win! When a number of Canadian Reformed school staff and students organized a team to walk for the Union Gospel Mission in Winnipeg, the competition to raise more funds than the other teams was just plain fun, but it also promoted God’s glory by spreading around the knowledge of what God was doing through the Mission. 4. Follow the money Another way to feel good about your giving is to know that the funds are being used in a stewardly way. So check the accountability of the organizations you are contributing to. Visiting them might be the best way, but you can also look over their public budgets (especially comparing planned spending and revenue to actual spending and revenue), and their online ratings. For example, if the organization is American, you can visit the Ministry Watch 1000 Database to see the financial accountability and efficiency of the one thousand biggest Christian charities in the United States. Ministry Watch has tough standards for financial accountability, and a willingness to report on Christian organizations that are not living up to their Christian mission, or are even involved in actual abuse of those that they are supposed to be serving, but it also highlights Christian organizations that combine Christian ministry with financial accountability. 5. Don’t underestimate the urgency Another way to restore the joy of giving is to realize the ultimate purpose and the urgency of what you are doing. In his article on ChristianStudyLibrary.org, Glenn D. Jerrell reminds us that: “We are the church militant! Do not underestimate the enemy! After all, ‘your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour’ (1 Peter 5:8). The Scriptures also teach us to ‘take every thought captive to obey Christ.’ Your whole life is engaged in this struggle – and that includes your giving. Resources for gospel ministry are needed now! “….The warfare between God and Satan should generate a life-and-death sense of urgency to support and sustain gospel ministry with all the means that God gives us and to do so from generation to generation.” We are in the midst of spiritual warfare! Faithful giving equips our fellow warriors to proclaim how our God “has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins” (Col. 1:13-14), and to help see others rescued as well. 6. Remember the chief part of our thankfulness Finally, we need to remind ourselves of the spiritual dangers associated with giving: a sense of self-reliance and self-glorification. We may be tempted to think that we have done so much for God’s kingdom. The best way to avoid those dangers is to bring the organizations God has given us the resources to support before Him, in both thankfulness and supplication for their work (Phil. 4:6). After all, the Heidelberg Catechism says that prayer is the chief part of our thankfulness, and thanking God for His work through Christian ministries, and seeking His help to make their work fruitful, kills our innate pride in our own generosity and brings glory to Him and joy in His work. It is easy to lose track of the ways in which God is working in the world. One way to avoid that is to make a list of everything you are giving to, as well as other worthy organizations, and to put them on your own personal prayer calendar – for instance, intentionally thanking God for, and interceding for, specific ministries each day of the week. Finally, in all your prayer, as the ultimate pride-killer and joy-giver, remember how much more God has done for you in Christ than you could ever do for Him: “Thanks be to God for his inexpressible gift!” (2 Cor. 9:15)....

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Being the Church

A principled (and practical) guide to tithing

Twice every Sunday the offering plate comes your way. What do you do? Do you chip in whatever you have in your wallet, do you have a cheque already written out, or will you send an e-transfer later in the week? Do you abide by whatever tithing tradition your parents instilled in you, or look around to see what everyone else does, or do you have your own rationale of how to give? How we tithe is an intensely practical question for everyone, but perhaps one that you’ve not given much thought. Here are some biblical principles for tithing, followed by some practical suggestions, from my experience as a deacon and as a manager of a personal household budget, of how to apply these biblical principles in our offerings. 1. God owns everything The first principle that we need to recognize when we consider tithing is the fact that everything ultimately belongs to God and not to us. As the Creator and Sustainer of all things and the Redeemer of His people, God not only is the ultimate owner of everything, but we owe Him everything. Like the servants in the parable of the talents (Matt. 25:14-39), we are merely temporary stewards of the blessings that God has given us. The tithe – 10% – is a reminder of that fact. Abram offered the first recorded tithe in Genesis 14, when he gave a tenth of the spoils from the defeat of Chedorlaomer to Melchizedek, the priest of God Most High. Jacob also vowed to give God a tenth of everything (Gen. 28:22). This voluntary tithe was enshrined in God’s law in Numbers 18:21-24, when God commanded the Israelites to give a tithe every year to support the Levites and the tabernacle. The disposition of our heart should not be “how little of my hard-earned money do I have to part with” but “how much of God’s blessings am I able to give back to Him?” 2. Our heart (not just the %) matters We see cheerful and abundant giving throughout Scripture, whether it was the Israelites giving overabundantly for the construction of the temple (Ex. 35:20-36:7), the early Church freely sharing their possessions (Acts 4:32-37), and later congregations collecting for needy churches (Rom. 15:25-28, 1 Cor. 16:1-4, 2 Cor. 8:1-5, 2 Cor. 9:1-15). It is entirely possible to give large sums of money to the LORD but without the right motivation. In Acts 5, Ananias and Sapphira sold a piece of property and gave some of the proceeds to the disciples. And yet they wound up dead because of their dishonesty. Instead, in 2 Corinthians 9:7, Paul famously reminds believers that “each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” While it may be relatively easy to change our giving patterns, changing our heart from being a reluctant, to a cheerful, giver may be far harder. Yet we serve a God who delights more in a pure heart than external sacrifice, and we need to recognize that our giving should come from gratitude over God’s grace delivering us from our guilt. So we must set our hearts in the right direction when we give. 3. First fruits The Bible also speaks to when we give. Men like Abel gave “the firstborn of his flock and of their fat portions” (Gen. 4:4) Throughout the books of the law, God commands the people of Israel to bring to Him the first fruits – not their last fruits – of their field and their flocks. Calling upon His people to bring their first fruits was a way that God set the priorities of His people: give to Me first and provide for yourselves after. This practice also fostered a trust in God’s people that He would provide if His people obeyed Him and gave their first fruits to Him. In the days of Malachi, when the people of Judah were robbing God of their tithes and contributions (possibly because they thought that they were too poor to afford to tithe), God calls the people to: “Bring the full tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. And thereby put me to the test, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you a blessing until there is no more need” (Malachi 3:10). Questions to consider With these general biblical principles established, here are some more practical suggestions of how we can live out these principles in our tithing. A. How much should I give? This is everyone’s biggest question as well as the one that will impact our lifestyle the most. And the usual Christian response is to tithe (to give 10% of our income). But, interestingly, most Israelites were commanded to give more than a 10% tithe. God also commanded a second tithe every year to fund ceremonial feasts and festivals (Deut. 14:22-27). And every three years, the people were to give a third tithe that was to go not only to the Levite but also the poor (Deut. 14:28-29). They were also to provide for the poor in other ways that would have a financial cost, such as allowing the poor to glean the droppings and corners of the field (Lev. 19:9). So, in reality, the Israelites arguably tithed as much as 23.33% annually. (I say “arguably” because some theologians like John Calvin thought that the tithe to the poor every three years was simply a further explanation of how to spend the first tithe to the priests and Levites.) We live in a different time period today. The civil and ceremonial law apply differently to the Church today. We don’t support one thirteenth of the population of the Church with our tithes (as the twelve tribes had to support the tribe of Levi in the Old Testament). We don’t have a calendar of feasts and festivals that require another tithe. Various institutions of society, such as the government, do a lot of the work of providing for the poor (through the taxes we pay). And so that strict command to give away 10% (or 20% or 23.33%) of our income may not bind us today. But I still think that a 10% tithe is a good minimum for us all to strive to give. Even if you’re a student working a part-time job, an unemployed man collecting EI, or a retiree living off a pension, aim to give at least 10% back to the LORD. In Mark 12:41-44, Jesus watched many rich people putting large sums of money into the temple treasury. We have no idea what percentage of their regular income they brought. Perhaps some brought 5%, thinking that the sheer amount of money that they gave was more important than the relative percentage of the income they gave. Perhaps some brought exactly 10%, giving just as much as the law required, no more and no less. And perhaps some brought 15%, priding themselves on exceeding the demands of the law. But then a poor widow comes in and gives two small copper coins. Jesus says to His disciples: “Truly, I say to you, this poor widow has put in more than all those who are contributing to the offering box. For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had, all she had to live on.” In other words, the widow gave 100%. While we may not be called to give every cent that we earn to the Church, in The Ministry of Mercy, Timothy Keller calls Christians to give “sacrificially, until their lifestyle is lowered.” Following the call in Galatians 6:2 to bear one another’s burdens, he suggests that “we must give so that we feel the burden of the needy ourselves.” In support of this, he quotes Jonathan Edwards, who said, “If we be never obliged to relieve others’ burdens, but when we can do it without burdening ourselves, then how do we bear our neighbor’s burdens, when we bear no burdens at all?” Keller’s book is a real challenge to Christians to give more than just 10%. Those more well off could and should give more. In 1 Corinthians 16:2, Paul commands the Corinthians “to put something aside and store it up, as he may prosper.” Those whom God has prospered are in a position to give more than those who are struggling. To use an example, those of us who earn the median family income in Canada of $98,390 and tithe 10% would give away almost $10,000. Those who earn double that – nearly $200,000 – and still give 10% would give $20,000. The rate of giving is equal. And the richer family gives away more. But who feels the impact of that tithe more? The average family. They might have to give up a vacation, live in a smaller house, or pass on enrolling their children in organized sports. The comparatively richer family probably doesn’t have to give up these things and could give far more before they really began feeling it. B. Tithing pre-tax or post-tax? If you do decide to give a certain percentage of your income regularly to the Church (say, 10%), some might ask, “should that 10% be pre-tax or post-tax?” Our response to this question may reveal where God and His Church are on our priority list. Most of us don’t get the full amount of our paycheque. Even before our earnings are deposited into our bank account or we pick up our paycheque, the government takes its share, roughly about 25% of our salary through income taxes, CCP contributions, and EI premiums. If we give 10% of our take-home paycheque, what are we implicitly saying? That the government is entitled to its share first and in full and God gets a tithe of our second fruits (and a lesser amount to boot). So consider giving of your income pre-tax, before the government claims its share. C. Tithing at the beginning or end of the month? Perhaps this isn’t a significant question in your mind, but again it may reveal your heart. If you write a monthly cheque or pre-authorize any bank withdrawals to the Church on the last day of the month, what does that say about your priorities? Are your priorities to make sure that you have enough money to pay your rent, your grocery bill, and your credit card statement and then give some of whatever is left over to the Church? Might this be how you implicitly think about giving? And so, consider determining, as soon as you get your paycheque, what you are going to give back to God and His Church, giving to God of your first fruits rather than your leftovers. D. Can I let the offering bag pass me by? This is another question that many people would raise an eyebrow at. As long as I give my 10%, who cares when I give it? As a deacon, I saw some people would wave away the offering bag during a service, implying that they had nothing to give that service. Others would write a few (though substantial) cheques a few times a year but give little during the remainer of the year. When December rolled around, we would often collect three or four times our usually monthly donations in a single month, suggesting that some people only gave at the end of the year. A handful of people in the congregation gave much smaller amounts every week. We as deacons often thought to ourselves that we’d save a whole lot of time if we didn’t have to count as much cash, or input a lot of small cheques, from these frequent givers. But this attitude of giving a little bit every week again reflects a heart that always has giving back to the LORD written on it. And again, there are Scriptural and confessional hints that we shouldn’t let the offering bag pass us by each Sunday. As already quoted in part, 1 Corinthians 16:2, says, “on the first day of every week, each of you is to put something aside and store it up , as he may prosper.” Based in part on this passage, Lord’s Day 38 of the Heidelberg Catechism, speaking of what God’s will for us is in the Fourth Commandment, says “that the gospel ministry and schools for it be maintained, and that, especially on the festive day of rest, I diligently… bring Christian offerings for the poor.” In the Old Testament, there are also a few warnings against appearing before the LORD empty-handed, even if these passages are not strictly related to tithing (Ex. 23:15, 34:20; Deut. 16:16). So don’t let the offering bag pass you by. Even if the total amount that you give in a year doesn’t change, give often. E. How can my tithing go the furthest? Finally, we can be good stewards of our money by taking advantage of charitable tax advantages. Our federal and provincial governments give significant tax credits (typically 40-50%) to encourage charitable donations. That means that you can get up to 40-50% of your donations back on your tax return every year. If you are the average Canadian family earning $98,390, tithing 10%, and giving away almost $10,000, that could mean a return of $4,000-5,000. We are called to give taxes to whom taxes are due (Romans 13:6-7, Mark 12:13-17, Matthew 17:24-27), but if there are organizations that spend their money more efficiently or that labor more in the Kingdom of God than the government (and I’m sure we can think of many such organizations), making use of our charitable receipts is good stewardship. Through these tax benefits we can give even more generously to the most effective and godly organizations around us. The key to getting that tax credit is that your donations need to bear your name so that your church can issue a tax receipt. So write cheques or donate cash in envelopes with your name on it. Cash tossed in the collection bag won’t get you a tax receipt, but I’ve heard of some churches allowing congregation members to buy “tokens” through cheque or directed cash so that they can get a tax receipt. This allows parents and children to still donate via the offering plate while taking full advantage of charitable tax receipts. Conclusion However you decide to give to your local church, consider both where your heart is and what your hands are doing. As James 2:18 says, “Show me your faith apart from your works, and I will show you my faith by my works.” That includes our tithing....

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Being the Church

On encouraging courage

Part of God’s equipping us to courage also involves rightly understanding what real courage is ***** Fear. We all feel it at times. We might be facing a job interview or something even more serious like a disease, or the loss of a loved one. We wonder, What’s going to happen? Even though we trust in God’s sovereignty, our weak selves cannot help but flail about at times. So what’s the answer to such fear? Courage, of course. But not simply the sort that depends on the steadiness of our own resolve. God calls us to a different sort of courage, and He equips us to it too. Part of that equipping is the communion of saints He gives us. I find it intriguing that the word “encouragement” is, well, full of courage. To encourage is, as the dictionary puts it, “to inspire with courage, spirit, or confidence: to stimulate by assistance, approval, etc.” Our words and deeds can aid others to feel courageous and tackle or re-tackle whatever situation was frightening them. We’ve all experienced it – a person comes along at the right time, and offers the right words to turn discouragement into hope. Or your support may have come from a sermon, a book, a family member, or a brother or sister in Christ. From feeling downcast (the word that Psalms uses), you began to see your way forward. We all need courage, which means we all need the encouragement of others. Specific attributes of courage Part of God’s equipping us to courage also involves rightly understanding what real courage is. We all admire the person who’ll run into a burning building or jump into a river to save someone’s life. This takes courage, for certain. As the actor John Wayne once said, “Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway.” That is so true. But as we look at our daily lives, we can find many less dramatic but important ways that this virtue should also be applied. Before we look at a few specific ways we may need to “saddle up,” let’s delve into a few more specific attributes of courage. In a recent presentation at my church entitled “You’re Gonna Need That Spine,” Dr. Joe Rigney gave the following in-depth definition of courage: “Courage is a habitual, sober-minded self-possession that overcomes fear through the power of a deeper desire for a greater good.” Along those lines, Rigney exhorted us to consider the following summarization of its attributes: Courage involves double vision. You not only see the danger out there that’s frightening you, at the same time you can also foresee the good that would come in overcoming your fear. For example, a child is drowning and though you are afraid of the cold water and waves, you know that your swimming ability may save the child’s life. Or perhaps you are afraid of presenting yourself poorly at a job interview, but you go because you foresee the good that will come if you are hired. Courage is a habit. You don’t just wake up one morning and have courage – to have it, you need to cultivate and grow into it. This will involve facing difficult situations repeatedly, and successfully overcoming them. For example, public speaking is a common fear. But if you go ahead with your speech even as your knees and hands are shaking, then repeating the experience will build courage. Living through a difficult situation teaches you that God has given you these abilities, and assures you that you’ll be able to manage future such situations, through God’s strength. Courage manifests in risk-taking and fortitude. There is a daring or risk-taking that is about seeing the good we don’t yet have – the girl you’d like to ask out, or the job you’d love to have – and being willing to risk danger, despite the fear we feel. This the courage that’s needed to take a hill in battle. Then there is the kind of courage involved in keeping that same hill when the counterattack comes. This fortitude or endurance is about holding onto the good that we already have. It resists the impulse to flee or retreat in the face of hardship and difficulty and pain. This is the courage that has us fight for our marriages, even if the going gets tough. Instead of giving up, we courageously address the problems. Recklessness is the opposite of courage. We understand that cowardice is the flipside of courage – cowardice shrinks back from danger, gives in to fear, and retreats in the face of pain, difficulty, or death. But courage is also the opposite of recklessness, which it is sometimes confused with. Reckless is more akin to crazy – thoughtlessly punching the gas pedal on an icy curve. Courage is always guided by reason, wisdom, and what is true. Courage recognizes the difference between necessary and unnecessary risks – some risks are not worth taking, so the reason you’d take a risk matters. Everyone needs a spine Just as Esther in the Old Testament was told, we have been placed in this world now, “for such a time as this.” We live in an unrighteous culture, where Christians are attacked as narrow-minded or haters when we dare to speak God’s truth. We need to hear again the words of Joshua 1:9, where God encouraged Joshua: “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” As Rigney said, “ is the source of our strength. There’s a reason. He is both the good that you cling to and the power that enables you to cling to it. He enables us to hold on when we want to let go.” In an article from the C.S. Lewis Institute on courage, Arthur W. Lindsley says: “How can we be free from this fear and have the courage to live for the truth in our times? Jesus says, ‘If you continue in my word, you are truly my disciples; and you will know the truth and the truth will set you free’ (John 8:32). Jesus exhorts us to continue obeying His word as the path to knowing the truth (in an experiential way) and to freedom. This is especially true with fear, anxiety, and worry.” Lindsley goes on to say, “Courage is not the absence of fear but acting despite it.” It is also important to note, as Rigney stated, that “Courage is a human trait, not a masculine one. It is required of everyone.” How many ways do we often give in to fear, anxiety, or worry instead of courageously trusting God to take care of us? If there is an illness that must be remedied by a difficult and frightening procedure, we must step forward in courage. If we are in need of a new job or home, we need courage to take the necessary steps to find one. If we are supposed to provide for a family, it may take courage to go day by day to a job that we really don’t love. If we have a rift between us and a brother or sister in the Lord (or anyone, really), we may feel fear about addressing the situation. But Christ says that we must (Matt. 5:24; 18:15), and so we need courage to do so, even within our own households. If a woman finds it a scary thought, to follow a fallible man in her marriage, she needs courage. 1 Peter 3 describes a submissive attitude and action and a gentle and quiet spirit, and he ends that section by saying that we can take inspiration from “holy women of the past who put their hope in God” – we can be like Sarah “if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.” Rigney states that “Courage is about what happens when things get hard.” He encourages us to face hard situations by Christ’s strength without grumbling and self-pity. “It’s such hope that firmly believes that hardships, trials, and dangers are instruments in the hands of a good God for our good. This subdues the passion of fear and the anxiety that rides up – What’s going to happen? I can’t control the future, what about the kids? One of the key traits of the Proverbs 31 woman is that she laughs at the time to come. She looks at the future with all the possibilities, including the horrific ones, and she says ‘bring it on.’ Sarah is a model of the sober-minded hopeful obedience and submission to her husband. Because of her hope in God, she conquered her fears, maintained that gentle spirit in submission first to God and then to Abram.” Imagine the absolute trust in God that made David step forward and challenge Goliath. Imagine the courage that enabled Jael to invite her enemy into her tent and conquer him. We may never be in that sort of danger. But we need courage to face the fears that we encounter in our daily lives. As this quotation from Mary Anne Radmacher suggests, “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, ‘I’ll try again tomorrow.’” We all have fears that need tackling, and we all need to do what we can to inspire courage in others. Conclusion How wonderful that God has established a community life for us in our churches where we are told to stir up one another to good works (Heb. 10:24), to have the older ones teach the younger ones from their experience (Titus 2), and to show compassion and love one another in every way (John 13:34-35). After we have stepped forward courageously, we are in a position to help someone else to do the same. Whom might you encourage today? Sharon L. Bratcher has just published her new book "Life and Breath and Everything" containing over 50 articles that were published in the past 15 years. You can find her book on Amazon.com or Amazon.ca....

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Being the Church

Solving loneliness

“ revealed that 46 percent of American adults report feeling lonely sometimes or always. In that same study, younger adults reported feeling lonelier than their elders, with those aged between eighteen and twenty-two the loneliest of all.” – Jeremy Nobel in Project UnLonely ***** I used to latch onto quotes like this, because they made loneliness acceptable beyond the regularly-discussed groups of the sick, the elderly or the widowed. Loneliness is devastating for anybody, but I had the sense it was more acceptable for some people. “Normal people” – by which I thought of people like me, people on the younger side with their life ahead of them, who had jobs and knew lots of people – weren’t supposed to be lonely. But in the last decade, talk of loneliness has exploded for everybody. Loneliness has been declared a “pandemic,” there is a “friendship recession,” and “deaths of despair” are rising. Everyone in modern society is lonely, even the young, and it’s getting worse. This means that if you look around you, many people are probably lonely, including people who don’t look like your idea of the typical lonely person. If you’re lonely, chances are many others you meet are too. And it means that even though your loneliness can feel like it is “all your fault,” there must be something about our modern world that is making the rates of loneliness increase. If the obvious answer to loneliness is community, then being part of the church community should solve the problem of loneliness. So why are so many church people lonely as well? Let’s take a look at: what loneliness is what you can do what the Church can do about it 1. LONELINESS HURTS When I felt the most alone in my life, it felt like pure agony. Until that moment, I did not realize the depths of loneliness could feel like that. But why? First, what is loneliness? A simple definition of loneliness comes from Harvard professor of psychiatry, Robert Waldinger: “the sense that I am less connected to other people than I want to be.” This makes it different than just being alone. After all, some of us enjoy being alone, and some of us feel lonely in a crowd. Loneliness is actually the feeling of being alone or isolated, and so loneliness is something subjective. It’s something you have to ask others if they’re feeling. This is what makes loneliness tricky, because it’s not always obvious on the outside. And circumstances that might make you feel lonely might not make someone else feel lonely in the same way. Uncovering loneliness requires actually connecting with someone, ironically. The amount loneliness hurts can be underestimated unless you've experienced it yourself. But why would it hurt? Humans weren’t created to be alone. We know this from Genesis 2. But we also know this from the extreme difficulty of surviving entirely on your own. While there are survival stories where someone is lost in the wilderness for months, in general those separated from their group struggle to survive. So it’s no wonder we feel vulnerable when we don’t have anyone to rely on because we are vulnerable and in danger – not as vulnerable as if we were lost in the woods, wondering where we can find our next meal. But our bodies still perceive the lack of other people’s presence around us, and for many, that’ll get their brain screaming at them, danger, danger, danger! You might know intellectually that you are never alone because God is there, but can you feel it? Sometimes you can, and sometimes, like Adam in the Garden, you can’t shake the feeling of being alone. Not only does it logically make sense that we’d react to the vulnerability of being alone, there’s evidence that our bodies seem to register loneliness like pain too. Scientists have found that areas of the brain that “hunger” for food react similarly when you “hunger” for social connection. MRI studies have found that areas that light up when you’re in pain also light up when you’re rejected by others. It’s not totally crazy that loneliness can feel like pain either – like pain, it can signal us to change our behavior. Perhaps God meant to remind us through these sensations that He created us to care for and live in relationship with other people. Unfortunately, loneliness can lead to a negative cycle. You become less trusting of unfamiliar people when you're lonely, and more likely to view them negatively. You imagine they view you negatively too, and this doesn't get disproven because you pull away from others. And in turn, people can find you unpleasant to be around, since you’re more protective and less trusting. This cycle works to keep you lonely and isolated, and it takes great energy to break that cycle and open up to others again. This explains why sometimes you reach out to someone you know is lonely and they’re not receptive. It’s not easy to climb out of isolation once you’ve fallen into it. Lastly, what makes loneliness complex is that it’s not a single experience. You might think, I know what loneliness is, it’s uncomfortable but I don’t know what she means when she’s talking about pain. Well, everyone’s experience of loneliness is different. Why, after all, do some feel lonely when surrounded by people? They’re experiencing the crowd differently than the others in the crowd. Or take the vastly different life experiences that can lead to loneliness – a senior who can’t leave her nursing home, a husband who lost his lifelong companion, a child who just started at a new school – do all these types of loneliness feel the same? Do all people react to them the same way? So the label, loneliness, on its own doesn’t always explain exactly what a person is experiencing. Loneliness matters because it causes us to really suffer, even before we start to count the health problems that often stem from it. And it takes effort to break the cycle. 2. YOUR ROLE It’s not “all your fault” if you’re lonely. The common advice given can make you feel that way because it’s so action-oriented. You’re told: Just put yourself out there even if you’ve been doing that for years and haven’t seen many results from it. Invite people over even when it feels like pulling teeth to find a time slot on people’s calendars when they’re free to visit. Just be content even when the person giving you advice has no idea how tiring it can feel to make every single life decision alone. And reaching out to others for help can be difficult too. To say you are lonely can feel like you are opening yourself up to the scorn of the world, like a stamp on your forehead: No one likes me. It’s the pain of rejection, combined with the judgment that maybe you’re lonely simply because you weren't doing enough. Much of the rising problem of loneliness comes from the world around us. We don’t live in small communities where it’s possible for everyone to know everyone, and people now move from place to place a lot more. You might just be getting to know someone and then they get a new job across the country. Some of it is the pace of modern life, and the burnout many of us are experiencing just trying to keep up with rising bills and inflation. It’s hard to make friends when you work long hours, or if you’re wrangling two toddlers and caring for your elderly parents 24/7. Some of it is the way our cities are built, with a lack of places for us to casually run into our acquaintances often enough for them to become friends (which is actually the most common way to make friends – simply seeing them frequently). And some of it is the faceless technology we use every day which strips away personal connection in favor of apps, chatbots and algorithms. So no, it’s not all your fault. But that doesn’t mean you are helpless. As with so many other things in life, it’s about letting go of what you can’t control, and working with what you can. We can’t remake the modern world. At the same time, change can only start with ourselves. Our ancestors knew this, every time they spread the seed and prayed for rain. We can only do what’s in our control. So back to loneliness. What can you do? You can take the risks, and make the sacrifices. Accept the friction of living in community Loneliness is painful, but connecting with others can be bitterly painful too. The simple truth is, it’s hard to live with other people. We can have a negative view of “people” for good reason. People aren’t trustworthy, people do hurt us, people can irritate or insult us. Relationships involve friction, and we’re getting less and less used to that. Friendship is both being vulnerable with someone, and managing the tension of hanging out with someone who doesn’t always think like you. So having connections and relationships can feel like a burden, and a burden is heavy when we’re already burnt out by so many other things. Maybe because we think of community and relationships as being fun and easy, then when they’re hard we’re stopped in our tracks. Maybe because we know community is a blessing, we forget about the thorns and thistles. Then, when the beginning of building community is often so very hard and fruitless, we think we’re doing something wrong. After all, through technology, we’ve made “connecting” easy. You can find people with the same specific interests as you, however niche they might be. And you can talk to people without leaving your house. You can see people’s faces from far away. You can remove people you disagree with. As relational psychotherapist Esther Perel puts it: “We do not have the practice at the moment. Everything about predictive technologies is basically giving us a form of assisted living. You get it all served in uncomplicated, lack of friction, no obstacles and you no longer know how to deal with people.” In fact, because technology makes it easy to find “someone else,” and because it seems possible to find people who think exactly the way we do, we are more likely to expect others to adapt to us. We become less used to the flexibility we need to live among people with differences. But community is hard. Community is not finding someone who thinks identically to you, and spending all your time with them, but instead about feeling that friction, sometimes living in the discomfort, sometimes changing your mind and other times agreeing to disagree. It’s about learning what parts of yourself you hold loosely, as well as learning about the more difficult parts of yourself. Community isn’t meant to not take sacrifice. As Stephen Junger puts it in his book Tribe, after describing the quiet life of someone who worked hard for his community: “He understood that belonging to society requires sacrifice, and that sacrifice gives back way more than it costs… That sense of solidarity is at the core of what it means to be human.” So yes, it can be painful to live in community, but unlike the pain of loneliness, it can pay off in the end. Despite the effects of sinful human nature, belonging to society reminds us of what it means to be human, of what God created us to be. You see yourself reflected in others, you attempt to build new things alongside others, and your ideas are shaped by bumping up against what other people think. The first step is to take the risk – to make that sacrifice without knowing what the “pay-off” looks like. The sacrifice of time One of these sacrifices is time, because it takes time to know someone. This was admittedly easier when you’d interact with the same people frequently (such as back when you were in school). Then it was just built into your daily routine. When you’re lonely but busy, it can be exhausting to think of adding another thing to your “to do” list, to fit in regular contact with someone new. But you cannot build community without investing time. Sometimes there simply aren’t enough hours in a day. But when you can free up time to get to know someone new, it can re-energize you in ways your tired brain didn’t expect, through the different perspectives and fresh outlook on life that other people can bring. The sacrifice of effort without knowing results It’s a sacrifice too, to put in the effort even when there’s no guarantee of results. If we knew we’d always feel great every time we talked to someone new, we’d probably do it more often. (In fact, studies have shown we underestimate how much enjoyment we’d get out of talking to a stranger.) But when talking to someone new, there is often a stage where it feels like we’re going through the motions, politely making small talk. And worse, this investment in conversation might not “pay off”– this person might not turn out to be someone we connect with as friends. But while it might sound exhausting, it might not be as exhausting as you think to smile at the cashier or make small talk with strangers you meet. Even if not every interaction rises to friendship, you’re open to the possibility that they could. We want friends that are comfortable, that we can just show up for and not need to put in the effort. But to get there takes an investment of effort without any guarantee you will ever connect on that level. The sacrifice of opening up Lastly, you’ll need to take the risk of being vulnerable. There’s no connection without true vulnerability with another person. You do not have to be vulnerable with everyone you meet, and there is an argument that people sometimes reveal too much about themselves too quickly in our age of authenticity. It is wise to choose whom you talk about the deepest parts of your heart with carefully. But the only way outside of yourself is to open yourself up. This can be as simple as admitting loneliness to someone else. You’ll need to act in hope to overcome loneliness, because loneliness sucks you into negativity. Loneliness can convince you there's no way out – that the world is hostile and everyone hates you. Instead, climb towards hope. You don’t need everyone to like you, you just need a few to connect with, and to know that they do exist out there somewhere. Proceeding in hope will have you continuing to put yourself out there to find them. In the current climate, optimism is in short supply, but as Christians we know there’s hope no matter how bad things get. We have the freedom to be optimistic. I’ll stop there with the suggestions before it does start to sound like loneliness is all a result of what you do (or how you think). In the end, it’s about looking at what is in your control, working with that, and letting go of what’s not in your control. Letting go and letting God – we plant our seeds and pray for rain. We can’t solve everything And here’s one last painful truth – not all loneliness can be fixed. You can’t ever replace someone’s lost spouse. You can’t resolve everyone’s life experiences – there are sometimes reasons a person will feel alone even among other people, because no one else has seen the things they’ve seen. Things like burnout, and bad finances, and people moving or dying, can get in the way. It’s even possible that the community you happen to live in is dysfunctional in a way that isn’t healthy, and you can’t adapt yourself to that. Sometimes we can't control everything, we can't “fix” everything, and loneliness will hurt us. “Darkness is my closest friend,” laments Heman the Ezrahite in Psalm 88, and so we know even this feeling was well-known to Christians before us. In this broken world, not all things are fixed, but we always always can hang onto hope, knowing the perfect fellowship that is to come. 3. THE ROLE OF THE CHURCH We can think of loneliness as a problem “out there” because here in the Church we have community. But the Church is not immune to the impact of modern society – its faster pace of life, more technology and distractions, and increased individualism. When I mentioned I was writing this article, I received a flood of comments from Church members who could relate to loneliness for a variety of reasons. Yes, members of the Church shouldn’t have as many reasons to feel lonely. But that doesn't mean that we don't experience it. So what can the Church do? Be the Church A recent article by Derek Thompson, “The True Cost of the Churchgoing Bust,” argues that the loss of social ties might be connected to declining religion in North America. Churches (and other religious buildings) provide a communal gathering space where people meet regularly, giving them a space to interact and see others often enough to make friends. They also provide religious rituals (such as the Lord’s Supper) that take people out of the virtual world of their phones and into the here and now. “he religious ritual,” Thompson says, “is typically embodied, synchronous, deep, and collective.” You have to be present to experience it. So one way the Church can help is simply by existing and continuing to do the things it has done for centuries. But a hard truth is that showing up week after week for two services provides opportunity for community, but not community itself. Yes, you have come together with other people in an objective way, but if the connections don’t go deeper you may not feel very connected to other human beings at all. The rhythm of the Church community can be nice, because you don’t have to “make plans” for the activities that have happened in the Church for centuries. But sometimes you need to pour your heart out to a listening ear, and that kind of activity still does need to be scheduled. Recognize the problem What more can the Church do? One thing the Church can recognize is how deep the problem runs. We can be aware that the existence of a congregation might not be enough to erase loneliness among us. When you’re lonely, you feel invisible, and by recognizing loneliness is a problem, the Church can begin to help the lonely feel seen. However, this is more than just sympathy – too often an admission of loneliness is met with sympathy and nothing more. Sympathy is not companionship, and can be isolating. It’s companionship that heals loneliness. To say “I am lonely” is to be vulnerable without any guarantee of protection. Can we make it safer to admit loneliness to each other? Can we make it easier? Another side to this is understanding the challenge of loneliness, and the negative cycle that can reduce lonely people’s trust in other people. To bring a lonely person into community might take more time than we expect. We will have to show them they can trust the Church, and that they’re safe opening themselves up to others again. Show people where they belong Next, a church can also give someone a “place.” A better way to say it might be a “sense of belonging.” Modern life has brought not just a change in technology and urban sprawl, but also a change in our sense of belonging. In the past in our villages or tribes, we knew who we were and what we were expected to do. We knew who everyone else was, and we knew our role. Now we have gained a lot of freedom, but we’ve lost something too. We are able to constantly reinvent our “roles,” and even our “selves,” but in the end the burden of figuring ourselves out is laid on us. But in the Church, there is opportunity to be reminded of where we belong once again. We’re brothers and sisters, we’re elders or pastors or members. You might have a task, or you might have a place to use your skills. Your place in the community is recognized by others – you are needed and seen by others. But we can be more deliberate about this, especially for those who aren’t “in office.” There are many who don’t fit into the traditional Church roles (pastor, elder, deacon, pianist, bookkeeper, etc.) who still need a place, and perhaps we can be more creative in finding ways for those who fall through the cracks to still feel they fit in in an important way. It’s those on the edges of the community who don’t feel like they belong, who don’t think they have a role and who maybe even think no one would miss them if they weren’t there. Reaching out and showing someone how they can grow into who they’re meant to be can make a big difference. Be a community that accepts social friction If we’re going to turn away from niche, online communities to real, face-to-face communities in the real world, we will have to get comfortable with the friction that living in community can bring. Since the Church community is built on truths that can’t be changed, differences among us can feel destabilizing. Of course we should never compromise the truth, but we also have to accept God-created individuality among us. If there is any place where iron can sharpen iron, it should be in the Church, but it is a challenge to find ways of doing this wisely. We can start by accepting the possibility of discomfort, as well as practicing charity to others when we can. Sometimes friction may come from people’s past experiences, or past hurts. We can be patient, and not take all disagreements personally. We might need just a little more patience (and love!) than we thought. Be a social space Lastly, a church community can provide regular ways to connect beyond the worship services. Most of our churches already have many social events. But one thing to consider is the length of time it actually takes to make new, real friendships. This has been characterized as the 3-6 rule (three meaningful interactions with someone within six months), or as the 11-3-6 rule, described by Madeline Dore as “eleven different three-hour-long encounters, over the course of six months or so, to turn an acquaintance into an actual friend.” How many of our social events provide this level of connection for integrating new members or new friends into our circles? This is a pretty high commitment when you think about it! Of course, it's not all on the Church itself to provide this, but a community can certainly think about whether it is making these kinds of deeper connections easier or harder to establish, as well as whether the current social events are easy for those on the fringes to be involved with (the singles, for example, or the elderly). Inviting someone to your house once every couple of months might not address the loneliness in their heart if that’s the only social interaction they’re getting. We need to find the will to build communities again, or strengthen the ones we do have. In a world where social ties are crumbling all around us, this is more important than ever. But building community requires optimism, which is in short supply right now. It’s hard to build when we feel anxious about the future, vulnerable to threats, and divided. There’s a fear that what we build might not last. But the Church has faced worse times before. And it was always by clinging to each other– and God – that we came through the storms. CONCLUSION If you’re lonely, I’ve been there. I know life can feel like it has a gaping hole in it if you're on your own. I know the comfort faith can bring while still feeling the intense longing for the presence of a human being beside you. I know how even the enjoyable things in life can feel pale when you don’t have anyone to share them with. The Church is a community of broken people stumbling as we journey to heaven. We fail so often at providing the needed support to each other, we fail at being real and vulnerable with each other, and giving each other what will support us as we grow in faith. By making some small suggestions for where to start, I hope our Christian communities can see ways to open themselves up to the need around them and begin to heal the pain of living in a sinful world. The first step is recognizing and understanding the problem. From there, we can all grow as individuals and as the Church to become the kind of community that draws others in, simply because of the warmth and belonging that exists inside it....

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Being the Church

Advice for young women … from A to Z

The late teens and early twenties are an exciting time for young women, but with so many opportunities to be considered, and big decisions to be made, they can also be unsettling. How can young women live wisely now? How can they best prepare for their future when that future may feel very unknown? As I discussed these questions with family members one Sunday afternoon, I was intrigued by my relatives’ different thoughts and perspectives. And I wondered what kinds of responses I’d get if I extended the same questions to a wider group of Reformed women. So I asked for thoughts from the women in my own congregation, and also reached out to colleagues, friends, and extended family members near and far, some of whom then shared or discussed these questions with others. I asked things like, If you could go back in time, what advice would you give your 20-year-old self? Are there things you’re glad you did at that age, or wish you’d done differently? In the end I received responses from a broad cross-section of Reformed women of different ages and life experiences – and on a wonderful variety of topics. What came through beautifully, again and again, was the reality of God’s Fatherly hand in their lives – guiding, teaching, sustaining – and the wisdom they’d gleaned from lifetimes of studying and applying God’s Word. What follows is an A-to-Z collection of advice and encouragement that these women wanted to share with their young sisters in Christ, on everything from inner beauty to good habits, relationships to prayer. ASPIRATIONS “Choose your occupation with your heart in mind. A job may pay well but may not be what you are looking for. Family businesses are great, but may not be where you want to be.” “Now I look back and wish I had thought more about what I would love to do as a job and getting paid for what I love to do.” BEAUTY “Measure your beauty not in pounds or compliments (which fluctuate, fade and are false) but through small acts like smiles and joyful eyes, through kind words and becoming humble and quiet in spirit. These are what make a woman beautiful, for beauty is found within.” “A beautiful heart rooted in God is more beautiful and lasting than a beautiful body.” COURAGE “Have courage to do difficult things and to grow as an adult – such as moving away from your parents. It is incredible what growth awaits – and how much you realize the extent of love and care your parents provided!” “Be open-minded. Go explore and travel and make friends instead of always doing what's easy or comfortable.” “Needing to do things out of your comfort zone is a life-long reality, so start practicing now. At middle age, I still often need to take a deep breath before I make that phone call or strike up that conversation. Difficult things are often necessary and also worthwhile, so be brave!” DATING “When looking for a boyfriend/husband, keep doing the things you love to do and keep running the race for Jesus. As you are running this race, you will (hopefully) look beside you and see that someone is also running the same race and has the same priorities and goals.” “I was once told about a father who said this to his children: ‘When entering the dating scene and seeking a life partner, find someone who loves Jesus more than he/she loves you.’ Very wise words for generations to come.” “Romance is exciting but one cannot be hopelessly in love and also wise. So become wise first in knowing who you are through God's eyes, how He loves and cares for you, before you enter into any relationship. If you have a solid relationship with the Lord, a beautiful relationship can be nourished with another human being.” “Be obedient to and focused on God first before 'looking for' a husband, and make sure the potential Mr. Right is doing the same.” “It’s far better to be single than to be with the wrong person (especially someone who isn’t truly a spiritual ‘soulmate’). Don’t settle!” “There is not a perfect age to get married. Don’t set an age goal to be married by. Be content with God’s timing. If you are waiting to meet that special person in your life, perhaps to settle down with and hopefully start a family together, remember that should not be your main goal in life. Some marry in their 30s, 40s, 50s and even for the first time in their 60s. Some missed the opportunity to have children because they married later in life; some were not blessed with children no matter what age they married at. But their marriages are still blessed with the love they have for each other and the time they can devote to extended family, church family, community and kingdom opportunities. Some never marry and are quite content with their single life which gives them other opportunities to serve. (Think of the Apostle Paul). Seek God’s will for your life. Pray for God’s guidance. Be content.” EDUCATION “Develop the talents that God has given – you have them for a reason. Getting some training now will give you options down the road. Whether it’s an academic degree or practical training, if you have the opportunity, take it!” “Some people love to learn and continue to do so. There are so many expectations around this now, though. If you find a job you love, it's not always about continuing your education. You can learn as you go! On the flip side, with the cost of living now, we highly encourage our girls to seek jobs that may allow them to work from home or have flexible hours as they may need to help support their family.” “If you have college plans, try to avoid student debt! Apply for bursaries; work part-time (consider taking fewer courses per semester, even if it takes you an extra year to finish); and commit to living frugally. (That can be hard when all your friends are working and have money to go out, but think long-term!)” “When I was heading into my twenties, part of the reason I chose the nursing program was that while I hoped to get married and have a family, I didn't actually know if and when that would happen, so I wanted to prepare for the possibility of being single for a long time or for life. It seemed like an interesting and worthwhile career, and I knew I would earn enough to support myself. Even though I didn't actually do that career for very long, I don't feel it was wasted or have any regrets. The years I spent at university and the four years I spent as an RN were valuable ones for me, helping me grow in many ways. I was also able to be a blessing for numerous people in those years through that job. I think I would follow the same line of thinking if I had to do it again.” “I didn’t know if my degree (English and creative writing) would lead to a career, but I was prepared to do something else for my job and do my writing on the side if needed, so it still seemed worthwhile. I was able to live at home during college, work part-time, and avoid debt, which was also a factor; it wouldn’t have felt responsible or stewardly to go deeply into debt for an uncertain outcome. You have to think all these things through, and find that right balance of being practical while still pursuing what’s important to you. So be wise, but don’t be too quick to dismiss a dream either!” “Even if you are in a serious relationship, I would recommend still getting some education as you will never regret it. I never did finish my degree, and always wish I had as it's so much harder to do when you are older.” “If at all possible, I’d encourage women to get a post-secondary education, whether that be a degree, diploma or a trade. There may come a time you will need to supplement your husband’s income or you may not get married or you may marry much later in life. An education often gives you an opportunity to work in a field that you love and enjoy before, after or during the child-rearing stage in life.” FAMILY “Maintain a good relationship with your parents, as they are the ones who love you, and want what is best for you. They have the wisdom of life experience. They are not ‘old-fashioned.’” “Spend time with your grandparents. Ask them questions about their younger lives.” “If God blesses you with children, plan to make the job of nurturing and teaching your children a priority. From personal experience, I have no regrets being a stay-at-home mom. When we had our first child, we considered the cost of me going back to work (childcare, transportation, clothes, convenient meals) and concluded it really wasn’t financially worth the added stress and busyness it would add to our lives. Plus, I wanted to be the main influencer in our children’s upbringing.” GOOD HABITS “Eat breakfast!” “Be at home by 10:30. Asleep by 11.” “Cultivate the habits that will keep you healthy – physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally. Moving toward independence means you (not your parents) are responsible for you not skipping breakfast… or Bible study.” HELP “It is ok to not be ok. Seek help, accept offered help, and take it to the Lord in prayer.” “‘Keeping up appearances’ – We’re all tempted to do it, and there’s even a British sitcom with that title! Be real! Be genuine! Be honest. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Ask for help and guidance if you need it.” “Life is hard. Accept this and work through the challenges. Ask for help when you need it (so many struggle in silence). And remember, God will carry you through.” “What comes easy to one, may not to another. Help out where you can. It's okay to say NO to things now and then, you don't have to do everything.” IDENTITY “Consider your identity! First and foremost you are a child of God! Your identity is in Christ. So often we are introduced as so-and-so’s wife, the daughter of _____ & _____, or so-and-so’s mom. Growing spiritually and closer to God in every season of our life is key to all our other relationships. Focus on the vertical relationship with God first and then horizontally with all other relationships.” JOY “The world promises happiness and pleasure and excitement without God, but don’t be fooled. True joy comes in living with Him and for Him.” KINDNESS “Be thoughtful, be kind. Don’t just focus on yourself. Everyone you meet is struggling with something; everyone could use a smile or a kind word.” LIVING WELL NOW “Don't wait for your life to ‘really start’ once you graduate, or start working, or get married, or have children. Those are all exciting prospects. But our God is sovereign and has a purpose for our lives exactly where He has placed us in this moment. Consider how you can live as a daughter of God right here and now. Don't put your life on pause until everything is perfect. It never will be until the New Creation. But God does great work with us, despite our imperfection and our imperfect circumstances. And in so doing, all the more glory goes to Him.” “Pray continually for God to guide your steps and then do the work He has before you, in whatever capacity that is, whether you are busy developing a career, a relationship, or raising children. The Lord is shaping your heart, your character, and the talents you have. Honor Him by not continually looking at the future, but instead put your hand to the task at hand and trust that God will answer your prayer and guide and direct your life.” “Work on your character, and daily habits. Continually seek God in prayer. He loves you, and you are very worthy to Him, and He will grant you all things you need.” MONEY “Give joyfully what is rightfully the Lord's when it comes to tithing.” “Make relationships, not stuff your priority. Don’t bemoan what you can’t afford; take pleasure and be content with what the Lord has blessed you with.” “Save your money when you are young, and don't waste it on frivolous things. Don't focus on materialistic things, or things that don't really matter.” “Simply put, live within your means. Never look at the ‘minimum balance’ on a credit card; always pay it in full. If you can’t pay your credit card then you can’t afford what you put on there.” “With finances, I used to make sure bills were paid before I would write my check for church (giving back to God), and there was always a shortfall. Only when the first fruits were given to the Lord, followed by bill payments, groceries, etc., it was then that there seemed to be a little extra at the end of the month.” “Practice good stewardship with finances but also with your time, talents, possessions…. All belong to Him. It’s good to re-evaluate how we are doing as stewards.” NOURISHING YOUR BODY, MIND & SOUL “Be deliberate about the media (music, movies, books, online content) you ingest; these things affect you more than you realize. Choose options that are good for your mind and soul. Philippians 4:8: ‘Whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.’” “One thing I wished I had done differently was pursued sports or a hobby or done something more often with friends. After I married, my husband’s job entailed many long hours, often leaving me at home to deal with children on my own for breakfast, lunch, dinner and bedtime. Even more time was spent away when he served as an elder. In hindsight, we should have discussed how we could have carved out some time for me to exercise and socialize.” OPPORTUNITIES “Now is the time in your life when you have energy, you are generally not too ‘tied down’ by commitments – so take advantage of this time! It’s a season with its own unique blessings from God, so accept and use these blessings to His glory. When you look back, you won’t regret taking the chance to go on that mission trip, explore/develop a talent He’s given you, or take opportunities to stretch yourself and grow!” “I did not always have the job I loved. I would have put some more thought to it, now looking back. I did learn that eventually when I would be looking for work and all the ads would want experience, during interviews I would say that I would never get any experience if no employer would take a chance on me, and ask them to allow me to learn the job and guarantee them that I was eager, willing, trustworthy, and would rarely take a day off. You have to learn to communicate the attributes of your personality and strong will to learn to achieve the goal of getting the job. It has worked for me for getting a number of jobs over the years.” PRAYER “Pray, pray, pray. I started praying in the car when driving and I found it remarkable how much I would be able to pray about in that 15-20 minute time of quiet in the car, just me and the Lord. I still do it!” “After profession of faith, your faith will be tested. Be on your guard. Stand firm, read your Bible daily, make prayer your first point of action in the day, and your last at night. Go to Him in everything.” “Ask for the Holy Spirit to work in your heart, and to direct your steps. He will open and close doors throughout your young adult life, so don't be too distracted by non-stop outside entertainment, such as movies, scrolling on social media, etc.” “Do your devotions earlier in the day, even when you’re busy. It’s a way of trustingly giving God the ‘first fruits’ of your time. I struggle with this, especially when I have a lot to do, but it’s a much better way to start my day.” QUESTIONS “As you mature, you should be finding yourself asking fewer ‘How can I get…” questions, and more ‘How can I give/help/serve’ ones.” “You don't have to have everything for your life figured out – you have more time than you think and things tend to fall into place.” RELATIONSHIPS “Surround yourself with people who will hold you accountable and challenge you. There was a (thankfully very short) time in my life where my group of friends and I went to bars/clubs. It took a good friend to call me out on this, and I'm so thankful she did.” “When you are having a girls’ night, challenge yourselves to not gossip. Make a pact before the evening starts that no one will gossip, and call each other out if someone does.” “Spend time alone, as well as with your friends/family, and talk about deep and meaningful things sometimes too, not only shallow talk, or gossip.” “Your spouse (if you marry) should be your friend, but not your only friend. Christian friends, for both you and your spouse, are treasures along life’s journey. Some will be in your life for only a season; others may be lifelong friends. Take time to nurture friendships, whether you are single or in a romantic relationship.” STRESS “A super helpful thing for me during the middle of the day or during a stressful moment is to take three deep, slow breaths and thank God for something(s). It helps me relax, acknowledge I’m not alone in anything, and that while my ‘problem’ may be important it's not the most important thing in the grand scheme of it all.” “Don’t add stress by expecting perfection from yourself. Not everything has to be done absolutely perfectly every time. You are not God who alone makes all things perfect.” “Give yourself grace as you would others.” TRUST “As I reflect at this age, I realize that in my journey with all of its highs and lows, God was leading me. My God sought to strengthen me in my faith and trust Him in all things, whether that be hardship, sorrow, happiness or joy.” “Times of waiting and uncertainty are hard, but God can use them to build patience and trust. Don’t get discouraged!” “We don't always see the tougher roads on life's journey as a lesson from the Lord until much later in life, as age brings with it reflection on one's life. I wish I would have had the strong faith I now have as an 18-year-old. But then I think of how all the mountains and valleys traversed throughout my life strengthened my trust and faith in the Lord.” “Be content and enjoy each stage that you are in! Doors open to new roles and opportunities throughout life! When I was at home with my young kiddos I was busy – with being a mom and volunteering for church/school. I enjoyed it (most days! :) ). I didn't have much education so didn't know what would come ‘next.’ I could never have predicted the wonderful new tasks that the Lord has opened up for me for the stage I am in now. Looking back I see that many of the skills I have now are from my role as a stay-at-home mom. I am now called to tasks that would not have been right for me years ago. Trust God and His calling, timing and leading in your life!” “Above all, always trust the Lord. He has your life in His hands and will not lead you astray. You will be tested over and over on your life's journey; the devil works overtime seeking the souls of those committed to God. Be wary of the pitfalls. Always ‘let go and let God.’” “Our Oma would often say, ‘What the Lord does is good.’ She would say that in good times and hard times, and I still find myself saying it as well no matter the situation.” “Be confident in the Lord. I went through a period in my dating years where I was just so unsure. I did pray a lot but didn’t quite trust the ways in which the Lord was leading me. It took a few years to be filled with that certainty. But those years, as well, ended up being so beneficial. Think of what the Lord wants for His children, who He is and how He wants to be served. It can be easy to focus on ourselves so much that we forget the big picture.” UNIQUENESS “Base your self-esteem on your worth in God’s eyes. The world prizes certain traits over others, and sometimes we wish we were more outgoing or capable or attractive, but God didn’t make a mistake when He made unique you! He will use you and work for your good and the good of others, even through your weaknesses.” VALUE “Don’t undervalue the role of wife and mother! Society tells us that we should focus on personal fulfillment, and that children are a burden that stop us from doing more ‘important’ things, but God tells us the opposite.” WALKING WITH GOD “Spend time in the Word every day.” “Think more eternally. Remember Who you belong to, and act with the promise and call of your baptism in mind.” “Always continue to read and learn, especially your Bible, and be devoted to a close relationship with God, as He directs your life.” “Pray always, sing praises all day long. Never be reserved about being a Christian and sharing the message of salvation.” YOUTH “As someone wiser than me has said, ‘Remember your Creator in the days of your youth’!” ZEAL “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart.”...

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Being the Church

...but I have a couch

Rosaria Butterfield's The Gospel Comes With A House Key came highly recommended, and after reading it I understand why. Rosaria is honest and insightful. She shares examples of hospitality gleaned from her own experiences, from feeding popsicles to the neighborhood children, to squeezing as many people as possible into their home on a snowy Sabbath when church was canceled. It seems that there are extra people in the Butterfield home so often that they expect to see non-family members at their dinner table and regularly make too-large meals to accommodate the guests. Upon finishing the book I felt inspired to be more hospitable, to invite all my neighbors over for chili and Bible reading. So I put down the book and looked up – up at the small kitchen/living room of my one-bedroom apartment, and my heart sank because there's no way I could fit fifty people into my home, and this truth became incredibly clear: I cannot do hospitality like the Butterfields. So what do you do, when you feel convicted and inspired to obey God but you just don't know how to do it? You pray. Well, I prayed, and as I sat on my couch, asking God how to do hospitality for Him, a new concept came to me. There is a reason I cannot do hospitality like the Butterfields. God has not put me in a house with a husband and given me the occupation of a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom. He has put me by myself in a one-bedroom apartment with a schedule that requires me to work at least two evenings a week. In short, I can't do hospitality like the Butterfields because I'm not a Butterfield. But God's command to be hospitable does not say "be hospitable like the Butterfields" (nor does Rosaria say that in her book) but simply "show hospitality" (1 Peter 4:9). The question we all have to answer is how? Perhaps the most helpful and practical thing to do is to look around and recognize what you have, and then be intentional about using what you do have to obey God. For example, I don't have a large space, but I do have a couch. So, I now invite women to come share a pot of tea and sit on my couch and talk. That couch is just an ordinary, everyday thing, but it has become a tool to enhance the Kingdom of God. If it could talk it would tell you stories that would make you weep and laugh and weep again. When we take the daily things God has given us and deliberately use them to serve Him, they cease being plain objects and start being tools consecrated to generate heavenly treasures. We get intimidated by hospitality thinking that it has to be big and fancy. It doesn't. It can be as simple as Oreo cookies and water, along with ears that listen. It can involve folding laundry and making soup, along with ears that listen. It can be shown around a campfire in your backyard or on your front patio or around your kitchen table or sitting on the floor…with ears that listen. People don’t care much where you are or what you serve them, as long as you prove yourself to be a safe person that they can share their lives with. Sharing life usually doesn't happen over the first cup of coffee, but it's a beginning, and we'll never get anywhere if we don't start. Hospitality requires you to be intentional and loving and available, and it needs to be shown to fellow saints and neighbors and the least. Jesus showed hospitality by making people sit on the grass and by divvying up five loaves and two fish among them (Luke 9:10-17). His first concern wasn't physical comfort or meeting social expectations, but to show people the Father. By His Spirit, may we follow His example and bring the living Savior to our dying world....

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Being the Church

God wants young men to be brave, not crazy

Bravery, like most things in life, is learned. To develop it, one must practice. However, it is the very rare young man who wants to practice being brave. Many will be eager to prove that they are already brave, which is why young men do crazy, dangerous, reckless things – to prove to themselves and others that they have no fear. So they drive motorcycles too fast, and drive cars too fast, and drive motorized vehicles of various other sorts and sizes too fast. But this isn't brave. Brave and reckless both involve confronting danger, but there is a difference. The brave man confronts danger because he must, or because he should. There is a reason to do it: a damsel to be defended, a child to be saved, a principle to be upheld. Brave is daring all because it will honor God. A reckless young man risks life and limb for no reason at all. It's courageous vs. crazy. And no matter how many times a young man might do wild dangerous things, it won't help him learn how to be brave. Bravery has a purpose to it, and to develop bravery a young man must confront danger with the right aim in mind. This is bravery  So how can a young man practice being brave? By doing brave things for the right reasons. God wants us take risks, so long as they are the right sort. He wants us defending what is true, and beautiful, no matter the opposition. So a young man can practice being brave by asking out that godly girl he's always been interested in. She might say no, and that is quite a danger to face. But she might say yes, and that's reason enough to risk it. He can tell his friends he isn't going to go drinking with them this weekend, but that if they want to come over they can shoot hoops. Or go rollerblading. Or watch the game together. Or watch the game and then at halftime play an epic match of rollerblade basketball (being brave can involve some creativity too). Proposing ideas risks having them shot down and labeled "lame." That could happen, because being brave doesn't mean everything will go your way. A brave man understands that failure is possible, and sometimes even likely. He knows there might be a cost. But he also knows that his peers' wrath doesn't compare to God's pleasure. A young man could also practice bravery by wearing an explicitly Christian shirt on his secular campus. This is provocative, but not foolhardy. Some students and professors are sure to hate it, but other Christians will be encouraged to learn they aren't alone on campus after all. Maybe he could volunteer as a firefighter. I know two young men who are ready to put their lives on the line for a very good reason indeed: to save the lives of others. And a young man who wants to grow and develop his bravery could volunteer at a public pro-life event. In recent years dozens of young men have been among those setting up massive pro-life flag displays across Canada. They know abortion is an issue that gets some people angry, yelling, and hysterical. It takes courage to be involved. But they understand this is important. They are ready to risk anger to advocate for the defenseless. Conclusion We want our young men to learn how to be brave, but we don't want them to be reckless with the life and limbs God has given them. So to foster their bravery let's encourage our young men to do dangerous, risky, important things. A version of this article first appeared in the October 2014 issue...

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Being the Church

Quotes on the single life

Singles are not second "…the nuclear family should not be the center of church life. Rather, the family of God is the center…. It is the church (not married people) that provides a home where all of us find the stability and rootedness that we need." – Peter and Ginger Wallace, “The Church and Singles” in New Horizons, Jan. 2016 "…in the covenant community of God there are no singles. God calls us family: brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers in Christ. We are each to be wonderfully connected to the other as part of a church community, where each person is needed and attached to others in her own family as well as to the broader church family." – Nancy Wilson, Why isn’t a pretty girl like you married? …and other useful comments "The Bible is clear that singleness is not a second-rate status in the church (1 Corinthians 7:8), and it provides several compelling portraits of singles (Paul, Mary, Martha, Lazarus, Lydia, and possibly John the Baptist and even Timothy.)" – Carolyn McCulley "…the Bible refers to Ruth as a virtuous woman (Ruth 3:11) with the same Hebrew phrase used in Proverbs 31. Two uses of the same Hebrew phrase give us data points so that we can better understand the term. We can examine the narrative around these data points and use it to draw conclusions. I totally changed how I thought about Proverbs 31 after seeing the data (for you left-brainers) and story (for you right-brainers) of the virtuous woman of Ruth. Once you see that Ruth was known as a virtuous woman when she was a barren widow from a foreign land, we understand that our ability to be a virtuous woman doesn't depend on a husband and children…" – Wendy Alsup, “A Post Mortem on A Year of Biblical Womanhood” posted to TheologyForWomen.org on Jan. 26, 2016 On seeking a spouse "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." – C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves "If you want God to provide you with a husband, you have to consider whether you are the kind of woman that the kind of man you want to marry would want to marry. Shall I go over that again? What kind of woman is that kind of man looking for? Are you that kind of woman?" – Nancy Wilson, Why isn’t a pretty girl like you married? …and other useful comments "One of the dangers with male/female friendships is that more often than not, one of the two wants something more from the relationship. In the end, usually either a heart is broken or, at the very least, the person with the crush is wasting time not looking elsewhere. If you are holding on to a long-term friendship in hopes that one day it will magically turn to love, you are lying to yourself. The chances that your friend will wake up one day and see you in a totally different and romantic light are miniscule. Save yourself the heartache. Keep friendship with the same sex and save the opposite sex for love." – Hayley & Michael DiMarco, Marriable Men, are you taking the servant-leader role (Ephesians 5:25) in the relationship right from the beginning? In any guy-girl dynamic, someone has to be the first to say "I like you" and with that comes the very real risk of being the only one to say it. When that happens, it stings. Are you willing to stick your neck out for this woman? Are you willing to risk looking the fool, so she doesn’t have to? Or are you waiting for her to take the lead and ask you out? – Jon Dykstra, “Marriable Men” in Reformed Perspective, Dec. 2012 One means… "Marriage is a means, not an end. It is one of the means God uses to glorify His name among us, but it is not His only means." – Nancy Wilson, Why isn’t a pretty girl like you married? …and other useful comments Jesus never had sex "The most fully human person who has ever lived, or ever will live, is Jesus Christ, and He never once had sexual intercourse. This can be powerfully liberating to single people who may think at times, “This is one thing I will never have, sexual relations, and in not having it I will not be all I was meant to be.” To this thought Jesus, the virgin, says, “A student is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher” (Luke 6:40). We will always have mountains of truly human Christ-likeness yet to climb, but sexual intercourse is not one of them. For He never knew it. And He is infinitely whole." – John Piper, Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, Foreword xix. Singleness has its own challenges "I was almost thirty-four when I got married, so I know something of the loneliness of adult single life. And even after marriage I struggled with discontentment at our son’s soccer or basketball games because I was at least ten years older than the other parents around me…. I do want you to know that if you struggle with discontentment, I’m right there with you. Whatever situation tempts us to be discontent, and however severe it may be, we need to recognize that discontentment is sin. That statement may surprise many readers. We are so used to responding to difficult circumstances with anxiety, frustration, or discontentment that we consider them normal reactions to the varying vicissitudes of life….When we fail to recognize these responses to our circumstances as sin, we are responding no differently from unbelievers who never factor God into their situations." – Jerry Bridges, Respectable Sins "There is nothing in the world wrong with wanting to be married. It is only wrong to be miserable about it. And wanting to be married does not equal discontent. Many women are feeling false guilt about this." – Nancy Wilson, Why isn’t a pretty girl like you married? …and other useful comments "The apostle Paul, who himself was single, provides encouragement for the unmarried by noting that he himself had to learn the secret of contentment (Phil. 4:11). Paul was not born content, nor was his discontentment eradicated at conversion…. How then did Paul learn this contentment? Like his Lord, he learned contentment through the things he suffered (Heb. 5:8). The apostle admits to the Corinthians that while under Satanic attack, he prayed three times for deliverance. Yet the Lord denied his requests and told him, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor. 12:8–9). Singleness may be one of those afflictions tailored to you, but his grace is perfected in your weakness. The single Christian who suffers weakness through unrealized marital aspirations and the disappointments of unanswered prayer may yet find grace at work through the unhappiness." – A. Boyd Miller IV, “Contentment in Singleness” in the January 2016 issue of New Horizons "Avoid trading marital distractions for other distractions. Paul may have been right about our freedom from spousal concerns, but in an iPhone, iPad, iPod, whatever iWant world, single people never have trouble finding their share of diversions. In fact, if you’re like me, you crave diversion and tend to default there, whether it’s SportsCenter, Downton Abbey, working out, fancy eating, endless blogging and blog reading, surveying social media, or conquering the latest game. We might call it resting, but too often it looks, smells, and sounds a lot like we’re wasting our singleness." – Marshall Segal, "Single, Satisfied and Sent" "A discontented woman is also very vulnerable when it comes to receiving attention from men that she knows full well are wrong for her. She rationalizes….she will be more likely to consider someone who will maker her far unhappier than she is now." – Nancy Wilson, Why isn’t a pretty girl like you married? …and other useful comments "To quote another , 'The main difference (between singles and married folk) is a heightened risk of loneliness, and heightened temptation to self-absorption, leading to selfishness.' The cure for both of these is hospitality and incorporation: being invited to participate in everyday life, and being expected to contribute to everyday life – in the church and in particular families in the church.” – Peter and Ginger Wallace, “The Church and Singles” in the January 2016 issue of New Horizons Singleness has its own opportunities "I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs – how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world – how he can please his wife – and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world – how she can please her husband." – 1 Cor. 7:32-34 "I was single when I was senior pastor of a church on the west coast of Canada, and there were all kinds of advantages to that. There were some disadvantages too. But there were some wonderful advantages in terms of the hours I put in, evening visitation, calls when I could get people at home. So there are advantages to being single in the ministry, and singleness should not be despised." – D.A. Carson "Look for ways to serve in the church....What are some ways that you can serve because you are single?" – Peter and Ginger Wallace, “The Church and Singles” in the January 2016 issue of New Horizons "Say “yes” to the spontaneous. It’s just a fact, marriage murders spontaneity — not entirely, but massively. If you haven’t learned this yet, I doubt any of your spontaneous friends are married. One of your greatest spiritual gifts as a single person is your “yes.” Yes to a random phone conversation. Yes to coffee. Yes to help with the move. Yes to stepping in when someone’s sick. Yes to a late-night movie or the special event downtown. You have the unbelievable freedom to say “yes” when married people can’t even ask the question. When the spouse doesn’t exist, you can’t hurt them with your selfless, impulsive decisions. Be willing to say “yes!” and bless others, even when you don’t always feel like it." – Marshall Segal, "Single, Satisfied and Sent"...

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Being the Church

A more generous ministry of mercy?

The Lord loves his church and gave her the gift of the ministry of mercy. But is this blessed ministry as active as it can or should be within the communion of saints? Let’s consider the following scenarios and the possibilities they present.  1. After a miscarriage A sister has had a miscarriage or stillborn child. Initial visits by the elder and/or minister have taken place. There is concern that it will take some significant time before the sister will have the energy and emotional strength to take on the regular management of the household. The husband has a good paying job so doesn’t think to ask the deacons for help. A few sisters have dropped off meals, and this has been a godsend. Nevertheless, laundry is piling up, the kids are not bathed, the house is not getting cleaned. The sister knows that this is not the way it should be, but that only makes her feel more guilty and incapable of taking next steps. Her husband has tried to take on more responsibilities, but now he is also starting to feel overwhelmed and is afraid of coming across as insensitive. They need more help! Do the deacons know that there is a problem? Maybe not, but perhaps it should be expected that they inquire again two or three weeks after the loss of the child, to see how things are going. If the deacons were to follow up with the brother and sister, and to inquire how things are going, they might find that while there isn’t any help need financially, the family does need to experience the love of the communion of saints in other tangible ways. 2. In the face of cancer A brother has been diagnosed with cancer. He is sixty years old. The news is shared with the congregation and the minister/elder come to make a visit. After the initial shock is over, the couple decides that it is best that they move out of their large home and into a smaller place. They have children all over the country but who here in town can help them move? Members of the congregation can get together, but the deacons can also take a lead here. They can ensure that this couple, under their care, has the physical help they need. And, of course, the deacons will want to ensure this couple has adequate financial means after the cancer diagnosis led to the brother’s necessary decision to stop working. 3. An unplanned trip A brother in Ontario has a father deathly ill in British Columbia. The deacons or close friends in the congregation know that this family does not have a lot of financial resources. The brother takes his wife and three children to BC to make a visit. He can afford this trip because he has a line of credit, and feels such a trip justifies the expense. Who would disagree? This brother would not be likely to ask for assistance from the deacons because he has a full-time job. But might it be good if the deacons (or other church members) made a visit? Could they, or other members, inquire as to the cost and conceivably gift the family with a signed cheque to help cover some of these unexpected costs? Was this family in dire straits? No. Could they use the help? Absolutely! **** I am sure we can come up with a plethora of other examples in which the minister of mercy, led by the deacons, can be administered within congregational life. Nevertheless, let’s return to the question we began with: is this blessed ministry as active as it can or should be within the communion of saints? My hope is that this article causes all of us to reflect on God’s Word to determine the answer to the question: Is the ministry of mercy equipping all the saints to live in the joy of being redeemed? Loving and caring as God does I strongly recommend Dr. Van Dam’s book “The Deacon” available at Amazon and elsewhere. The New Testament church of our Lord Jesus Christ is blessed to have a formal ministry of mercy as ministered by men serving in the office of deacon. As Dr. C. Van Dam notes in The Deacon: Biblical Foundations for Today’s Ministry of Mercy, seven men were originally chosen in Acts 6 with the task “to see to it that there were no needy so that everyone could rejoice and celebrate the salvation and freedom given in Christ.” As the number of followers was increasing, there seemed to arise a tension between the Hellenists (Greek-speaking Jews) and Hebrews because the Hellenist widows were being neglected in the daily distribution. In order to ensure that the ministry of the Word was not hindered, brothers were appointed to an additional office to begin exercising the ministry of mercy. These men were “set before the apostles, and they prayed and laid their hands on them” (Acts 6:6). And so the ministry of mercy is initiated. How does this office function today? In the first place, this ministry of mercy proceeds from the love of our God and Saviour. While he was on earth, Christ fed the hungry, healed the sick, and showed compassion to the afflicted. And while the formal ministry of mercy was not initiated in the Old Testament, the loving covenant God provided numerous laws to ensure that the poor and afflicted were cared for in generous ways (e.g., gleaning, labor, and marriage laws). God loves and cares for his people. That is a consistent characteristic of our covenant God throughout scripture. In Matthew 26:34-40, Christ teaches that on judgment day: “the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world.  For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’” “The Form for Ordination of Elders and Deacons” used in many continental Reformed churches summarizes Matthew 26 with the conviction that “no one in the congregation of Christ may live uncomforted under the pressure of sickness, loneliness, and poverty.” Living uncomforted is not an option for the Christian community; rather, we should be living in the joy and comfort of our freedom in Christ. And so, the Form explains, it is for the sake of this service of love, that Christ has given deacons to his church. Diaconal work is made possible by the congregation sharing their resources, monetary and other gifts, with these office-bearers, for distribution in one’s home congregation and beyond. Sharing resources is rooted in our love for each other. We love each other because Christ first loved us. Scripture also teaches that God loves a cheerful giver (2 Cor. 9:7). And it remains an important principle that collections are done in such a way that members can give in secret, without sounding the trumpet and making a public show of their generosity (Matt 6:1-4). When we give generously, there is no need for brothers and sisters in the Lord to experience the burden of poverty or the suffering of want. Not waiting to be asked However, while there is no need for poverty and suffering of want in Christ’s church, for some of us, it is a challenge to ask for help, especially financial help. When we lose our job, become seriously ill, or struggle with frailty, we are often not prepared to ask for help. In The Deacon, Dr. Van Dam suggests (insists) that deacons should be visiting the members under their care in order “to give those he visits the opportunity to feel comfortable with him.” The idea is to build mutual trust. The deacons can learn a lot about family life when they make a visit, and can quickly learn to trust a member in their ward when they have the courage and humility to ask for help. Likewise, when a member trusts the deacon, confident that neither an audit or interrogation will take place, he can ask for help without shame or fear. In addition to building this trust, deacons can also ascertain “whether church members have any needs, financial or otherwise, that are not being met… ideally can see or anticipate needs and offer to help rather than waiting for those in need to come to them.” Love is the greatest command within the congregation of Christ. We love, because he first loved us. It remains important that office-bearers practice servant-leadership as they serve the congregation in which they are appointed. Love requires a servant’s attitude. This means that when they hear someone has lost their job, deacons make a visit and offer help; when a member is diagnosed with a serious illness, deacons should make a visit; when a baby is born and requires a lengthy stay in the hospital, the deacons should ensure the parents have sufficient kinds of help during that challenging time. Deacons do not wait to be asked for help, they need to take the initiative to offer help to the members. Deacons need help too At the same time, deacons do not always know when there are needs. Communication is a two-way street, and the members can also take initiative. When we lose our jobs, we confess that this is under God’s providence. There is no shame in asking the communion of saints for help. This can be done by asking members directly, if a solid relationship of trust has already been established. There is no rule that suggests that members should not help each other directly, rather it should be encouraged. Nevertheless, the ministry of mercy is there to provide for the financial and physical needs of those in need. A relationship with deacons helps members ask for such assistance. The ministry of mercy is a gift – it bears repeating. Do we make good use of this gift? And, yes, like all good gifts, we can abuse them, but let’s leave that for another article. Let’s first commit to making good use of this godly gift of our Lord for His children. For more on the ministry of mercy, be sure to check out the episode below of the Focal Point podcast where Dr. Chris deBoer, along with special guest Dr. Cornelis Van Dam, discuss the why, what, how, and where of the Church's ministry of mercy. ...

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Being the Church

Improving the elders' home visits

It is October and as “home visit season” ramps up, my thoughts turn to how home visits are being conducted and whether our methods serve well to accomplish the purpose of the visit. I believe that elders visiting members in their homes is biblically based and has for long stretches of church history been implemented to the good of the church. However, are they today as effective as they could be? In Reformed churches of Dutch descent we have our customs in the way such visits are conducted, but are these truly “best practices”? A typical home visit What exactly are our customs? Well, in my own denomination, the Canadian and American Reformed Churches, most homes see the elders once per year in the annual home visit. Elders duly prepare themselves for this visit by studying a passage of Scripture and praying for the family. Many godly and sincere elders have thus entered numerous homes with every intent to build up and bless. And no doubt the Lord has used their efforts to bless his people (including me and my family) and yet I can’t help feeling that, despite the best of intentions, something is off kilter with our practice. A typical home visit goes something like this: two elders enter the home and are invited to sit with the family. Small talk follows for a few minutes. Then one elder clears his throat to “open” the home visit with prayer and Bible reading. An air of formality fills the room and the family falls quiet. The passage chosen could be out of the blue or, as is often the case, the Bible reading is connected to the “home visit theme” adopted by the consistory and perhaps preached on by the minister. That theme could be centred on one of the ten commandments, a petition of the Lord’s prayer, worship, Christian lifestyle, living membership in the church, or the like. The lead elder then begins to expound on this theme out of the Bible passage and starts directing questions to the children and parents about either the passage’s meaning or how it might apply to that person’s life. The bulk of the visit is spent conversing about this Bible passage (and/or chosen theme) and how the family works out this biblical teaching in practice. Toward the end of the visit the elders may or may not ask more general questions of the kids and parents, but time-wise the thrust of the visit is spent explaining and applying the teaching of a particular Bible passage to that household. While discussing a Bible passage can certainly be beneficial, I ask myself: is this the purpose of a home visit? For elders to enter and teach? To the family it can feel like they’re being tested on their knowledge on the Bible passage in question. When a theme is chosen, members and families are often asked to read the passage in advance and “prepare for the home visit.” Again I ask: is this the intention of a home visit? To have a mini Bible-study on a passage and ascertain how well parents and children understand and apply that particular passage (or theme) in their lives? And if a passage is “sprung” on the family and questions are asked of them, it can be a very intimidating experience for children and parents alike. It seems to me that we are missing something significant in this approach to home visits. The purpose of home visits As churches and as elders we have made a promise to make home visits. That promise, captured in Article 22 of our Church Order, summarizes the purpose of such visits as well: “The specific duties of the office of elder are... to faithfully visit the members of the congregation in their homes to comfort, instruct, and admonish them with the Word of God.” There are three verbs here: comfort, instruct, and admonish. From the above description it would seem that elders have the second verb in the forefront of their mind and so they come prepared to instruct. In itself this is commendable. Scripture tells us that elders should be “able to teach” and should indeed “be able to give instruction in sound doctrine” (1 Tim 3:2; Titus 1:9). And no doubt many families have learned and benefitted from what elders have taught. But should that teaching be “out of the blue” or with little understanding of the particular circumstances and needs of the family (or individual)? That’s where I think the way we conduct our home visits has gotten out of focus and become imbalanced. Elders enter the home focussed on conveying a scriptural message, intent on teaching and applying the doctrine of the passage they’ve been intensely studying on their own, without having first listened carefully to what’s going on in the home. While gentle admonitions and words of correction might come out of the teaching passage, almost forgotten by the elders on a home visit is the duty to “comfort.” That shows that something is out of whack. There’s been a largely one-way period of instruction on a pre-chosen topic instead of a careful application of God’s Word to the specific circumstances of the family. All of this, I’ve observed, often creates an unintended disconnect. After an hour dialogue with the family about the passage where the kids and adults could gamely answer questions and make comments, the elders come away with a favourable impression. In the car they comment to each other: “that went well, don’t you think?” But meanwhile, in the home, the kids feel as if they’ve been in school for an hour and the parents feel frustrated that the elders didn’t inquire more personally into each family member’s walk with the Lord. The elders may have a good feeling that the family is on a solid footing in the faith but the family feels like the elders hardly know them and don’t “get” them. Maybe the worst of it is that those visited fail to see how God’s Word speaks into the concrete reality of their day-to-day lives. We need to fix this. Listening      Here is where the art of listening and seeking to understand needs to find a fresh place in our thinking as elders. Though the Church Order does not mention the need to “listen,” it is clearly implied in the duty to “comfort, instruct, and admonish.” How can elders comfort a member or a family if they don’t first know what difficulty or misery they may be experiencing? Of course, every person as a sinner experiences the general misery of sin and its consequences, but almost always individuals or families are feeling the effects of sin in very particular ways. They have their own troubles and for the elders to bring comfort to that household they must first take the time to ask about and understand those troubles. It is the same with admonitions. To admonish is to gently give reproof or words of correction to someone who’s acting, thinking, or speaking in an unbiblical way. How can elders correct a member unless they know if, how, and where he is going astray? In a conversation on a single Bible passage or theme, a certain limited area needing correction may come out, but there is so much to life and so many possible areas needing correction that a wide-ranging conversation (more than one even!) is needed before meaningful admonition can be brought. If the Bible passage is too much in the spotlight of the annual home visit, much of the family’s personal views and practices may remain in the shadows, unseen by the elders. Elders need to bring those out of the shadows by asking good questions in order to get a clear picture of a person and/or a family. Of course, it’s not to be an interrogation like with police officers but it ought to be a caring inquiry like that of a concerned father, who truly wants to help his son to stay on or find his way back to the pathway of life. Teaching or instructing by elders in the home, too, is meant to come on the heels of listening. Certainly, members are instructed (and admonished and comforted) in a general way from the pulpit by the preaching of the Word. Although the Holy Spirit definitely applies the preaching to individual lives in personal (and often surprising!) ways, the minister can’t single out a particular family or individual and their needs from the pulpit. But elders can when they enter someone’s home. That’s one of the privileges elders have, to  bring God’s Word into the specific, individual lives of the members they visit. That means they must come to know these sheep very well, up close and personal, so they can skillfully apply God’s Word to the particular needs of the household. It seems to me that too often elders are replicating what the minster does from the pulpit: they enter the home and the first thing they do is give a mini “sermon” on a passage with some pointed questions to the family. That’s like prescribing a certain medicine for a person without knowing the extent of his ailment or his overall condition. Wouldn’t it be far better if elders first took time to listen to all that’s going on in the lives of the parents and children and then came with the instruction, encouragement, comfort, and admonition of God’s Word? Wouldn’t that be establishing a genuine pastoral connection between elders and members that would be profitable for members and under-shepherds alike, upbuilding for the church, and glorifying to the Lord? A revised approach To bring this about I would suggest two things. First, elders make it a point to get to know the individuals and families in their ward as soon as possible after they are appointed to office. One home visit per year is hardly sufficient to get acquainted beyond the surface of things. Elders normally come into office in the spring. Home visits start in the fall. Why not use the summer months to drop in for a more casual acquaintance visit? Consider hosting a social for those under your direct care. You might think: that’s a lot of extra work! Yes, it is. But it’s the Lord’s work and it’s good and beneficial. Besides, it doesn’t have to be a huge burden. Elders generally oversee a ward in pairs, so the two partners could divide the ward in halves with each taking responsibility to getting to know one half over the summer months. A casual visit to become acquainted plus regular chats in the church parking lot will do a lot to establish both a bond and a base level of understanding of the person/family. That will set up the home visit to be a time of deeper connection and thus more genuinely helpful for the household. The second thing I would suggest is that elders re-order the flow of a home visit and change the focus of the visit. Instead of the customary: prayer Bible reading instruction conversation/listening prayer …which focuses on teaching a pre-conceived lesson, why not try: prayer conversation/listening Bible reading instruction/application prayer …which focuses on understanding the family’s needs in order to aptly apply God’s Word to their situation. Remember that neither Scripture nor the confessions nor the Church Order prescribe the order or manner of home visits. It is left to us to apply the principle of God’s Word (i.e. shepherds caring for the sheep) to the situation. As far as I can see, it would be a great improvement to the effectiveness of home visits if elders began with a brief prayer for the Lord to bless the visit with openness, honesty, a willingness to share what’s in the heart along with a good understanding for the elders and the ability to bring God’s word beneficially for the family. Indeed this is something those visited should pray for in advance as well – the ability to be vulnerable with the elders and for the elders to give wise counsel from the Word of God. The next and larger part of the visit would be spent inquiring about the family’s daily life and their walk with the Lord, listening carefully to their struggles and joys, to what really lives in their hearts and home. Equipped with an understanding of where the person/family is really at, the elders could then open God’s Word to apply its teaching directly to their realities. The concluding prayer can then bring to the Lord the details of thanksgiving/praise and needs that were raised in the visit (drawing in also what came out of the Scripture passage). In this way the individual/family will experience that Christ’s appointed shepherds have understood them well, genuinely care for them, and are using God’s Word to help them grow closer to the Lord. In this way Scripture (and prayer) can more truly and fully be used to comfort, instruct, and admonish members for their good and the glory of God’s name. Too difficult?   At this point an elder might say: but I can’t think that fast on my feet! Every household is different. How am I supposed to have a Bible passage that I can quickly pull out that will speak to the particulars of a given family? I realize this may sound daunting but it’s not as bad as it seems. Even if an elder only prepared one text thoroughly in advance, he would be better able to apply it meaningfully to the people after hearing what lives in their home than if he read it before all of that was discussed. However, many elders already have the habit of selecting two or three passages to use at home visits throughout the season. They study them so they know them well enough to use as needed. This allows both variety and flexibility to use a certain passage in a home where they have an inkling it will better fit than another passage. Elders can simply build on this approach. Even if a home visit theme is selected by consistory (and I’m not sold on the idea that this is the best way to go), experienced elders know that they need to be flexible and that the theme just doesn’t work in some situations. I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch if an elder would work in advance to be very familiar with five distinct passages, each with its own accent. One passage could highlight the comfort we have in Christ as forgiven sinners; another the ability that Christ works in us to lead holy lives and his calling to do so; another could be the glorious future the Lord is preparing for us; still another could be a reflection on the love, power, and grace of God (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit); a fifth could deal with our task as living members of the church. After listening and grasping the nature of a person’s (or family’s) situation, the elder could mentally select one of his five passages, read it, and go to work applying its message to them specifically. Elders should not feel intimidated by this, as if selecting a text to match the needs of the visit is beyond their capability. Not so. I have always found it amazing how so many Bible passages can be applied in a variety of circumstances and do good to God’s people. His word is living and powerful. It always has something to say to those who belong to him. When elders, prayerfully relying on the Spirit of Christ, seek to bring his Word to meet the needs of his people, they will be blessed in doing so. The voice of the Good Shepherd will be heard by the sheep and they will be fed and led by him to continue walking in his way. In this way the home visit may be revitalized and experienced by all as a blessing from the Lord. Rev. Peter Holtvlüwer is pastor of the Ancaster Canadian Reformed Church and editor of the 4-volume commentary "Christ's Psalms, our Psalms." This article first appeared in Clarion, Issue 16 (Vol. 69) under the title "Improving home visits" and is reprinted here with permission....

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