Dating

A creative approach to boundaries in dating

Signing on the dotted line? (Gal. 5:16-25)

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Several weeks ago, my fiancé and I sat down at a local restaurant with my aunt and uncle, where we enjoyed a good meal and a great conversation. That conversation, however, did not start in the most conventional way.

“Well, I’m looking forward to this free food,” said Nathan, my fiancé.

“You’ve earned it,” my uncle replied with a grin.

We had successfully completed our contract a few months prior, and were finally sitting down to the promised reward of a dinner out, paid for by my aunt and uncle. The contract had been written up by my uncle, signed by myself, and witnessed by a friend – all back on June 29, 2022. This makes it sound very official, but in truth it was spontaneously scrawled down on a loose piece of paper, borne of a somewhat harebrained conversation and spur-of-the-moment decision.

Let me explain.

A few years earlier I’d been in an unhealthy dating relationship. Despite the brief time frame, the physical side of the relationship had quickly escalated. Nothing about my actions had been God-honoring. I had been naive and impulsive and foolish, and it cost me much heartache. In the days that followed, I had many conversations with my parents, close friends, and various other family members; they collectively blessed me with wisdom, listening ears, and reminders of God’s grace and the sovereignty of His plans. I had repented, and knew I was forgiven, but with lingering hurt and shame I was struggling to move forward. I wanted to express that repentance in steps taken, but I didn’t know what that could look like.

One night while visiting, my uncle suggested I take what I’d learned and apply it to the future – that I learn from my mistakes, and do my utmost not to repeat them.

“Easier said than done,” I grumbled.

That’s when he got a strange glint in his eye.

Doing things different

What followed was humorous, bizarre, and one of the best things I’ve ever been involved in. We sat down and wrote up a rough draft, with my uncle setting the terms. The contract stated that I would “not kiss a man for at least 2 months after the start of a relationship.” It also stated that, upon successful completion of the contract, my aunt and uncle would treat me and my significant other to dinner at the restaurant of our choice. I signed, my uncle signed, and a friend who was present signed as a witness.

I recognize that the specifics of this contract may not be for everyone. Some people may think the terms restrictive, while others may think they are not cautious enough. But what I want to draw your attention to, rather than the details, is the overarching purpose: seeking accountability which seeks to serve the Lord (1 Thess. 5:11-13).

Four reasons to sign on the dotted line

A couple years passed, and I met Nathan. After a few months of long-distance dating, we decided I would travel to Alberta to spend the summer in his hometown and see if the relationship had a solid future.

Dating in-person would be different. It was time to tell him about the contract. I hadn’t signed it as a joke – my commitment was sincere – but it had been easy to imagine becoming complacent down the road if I found myself again in a romantic situation.

Nathan took the news very well. Yes, he made a joke about it (“Free food if we pull this off? Sweet!”), but he recognized the value in it. We both saw wisdom in it, for multiple reasons.

First, it would hold us accountable to another person. As the third party, my uncle was at liberty to ask how the contract was going – and while I can’t remember him doing so, the knowledge that he could was good motivation for us to stick to it. Occasionally, I texted over the summer to let my aunt and uncle know that things were going well. We did not want to let them down, or to let ourselves down by breaking the terms.

Second, it would teach us a lot about each other. Is the person I am dating respectful of boundaries (1 Cor. 6:12-13)? Are they self-controlled (Prov. 25:28)? 1 Cor. 13:4-5 reads, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist upon its own way; it is not irritable or resentful.” So does the person I am dating value long-term love over short-term thrills, or are they manipulating situations to get what they want? How much do they value sticking to a commitment (Col. 3:23-24)? Can I trust them to navigate the relationship in a manner that seeks to glorify God and show Christian love to me, rather than to gratify themselves (Phil. 2:1-4)?

We learned the answers to these questions, and more. We built teamwork, both striving to support each other in keeping the contract rather than making it difficult for each other.

Third, the contract helped us to focus on the emotional and spiritual aspects of our relationship, rather than the physical. We built a solid foundation of friendship, faith, and intellectual companionship, rather than a false foundation of hormones and desire (Phil. 4:8).

Fourth, it was practice – practice for not giving in to stronger temptations further down the line in the relationship. Learning not to compromise each other in the “smaller things” has made it much easier to continue in the same way now; we learned to value each other’s well-being and holiness early on, and that has been extremely beneficial as we grow nearer to marriage and temptations become more serious.

Plan to succeed (Prov. 21:5)

We found a lot of value in having boundaries written down. There is something tangible about it, something more binding than a simple conversation. So, while still in the stage of “no kissing allowed,” Nathan and I sat down and wrote up a list of boundaries for once the contract was done. I consider this to be our “contract after the contract.”

I highly recommend this to any young couple; it is always easier to keep a boundary in place if you establish it before, rather than trying to make boundaries after you’ve already crossed lines.

And get detailed in your boundaries! If you’re too embarrassed to talk about it, then you certainly shouldn’t be doing it. Hard and fast rules are much easier to stick to than vague concepts. Don’t allow yourselves loopholes – in the heat of the moment, you will be sorely tempted to take advantage of them, and almost always will.

Both Nathan and I asked a person outside our relationship to hold us accountable to our boundaries. This person is someone who can check in with us, ask how things are going, and is someone we can go to if a boundary has been crossed and counsel or prayer is needed. Find someone you can trust with this; you’d be surprised how many people are willing. Many people want to see you do well – and many will have perspectives to share about their own experiences and mistakes, which you can learn from.

I’ve talked to quite a few people about this contract. While most see the benefit to it, there are a few who respond, “That doesn’t sound very romantic.” But here’s what truly isn’t romantic: Guilt. Regret. Selfishness. Carrying shame into a marriage together, or breaking up with someone you’ve gone too far with – which in turn affects your future marriage to somebody else. I’ve experienced it, and many of my friends have experienced it. Any of them would tell you how scarring and unromantic it can be.

In contrast, I cannot think of something that has made me more attracted to my fiancé than the effects of these contracts and boundaries. Seeing his care and dedication, his respect for me, his self-control, his leadership in holding to commitments – seeing how he loves me, respects himself, and above all, strives to honor God in his conduct – it all has made my love for him grow exponentially.

Help yourself… or your kids

If you are newly dating, or if you have kids who are dating; consider writing up a contract. It may feel embarrassing… but I am not asking you to shout it from the rooftops! It can be kept as private as you wish, a simple sheet of paper that can be tucked away in a drawer somewhere. I was initially a bit embarrassed to tell Nathan about my contract, and now I speak of it with much appreciation and a desire to recommend it to others. Remember the purpose, and that sheet of paper may become a treasured thing to look back on years down the road.

“Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God with your body.” – 1 Cor. 6:19-20