Two qualities dads should look for in boys who want to date our daughters
Here’s a topic that’s best to get to too early rather than too late – what sort of men should our daughters marry?
Dads are going to have a lot of input in this decision, one way or another. If we actively try to influence our daughters – by example, through conversation, and by requiring interested young men to talk to us first – we’ll point them to a certain sort of man. And if we don’t talk about what makes a man marriable, if we aren’t a good example of a godly man and good husband, and if we have no role in our daughter’s dating life, then we’ll point them to another sort of man.
What kind of man do we want for our daughters? The answer is simple when we keep the description broad: a man who loves the Lord, and will be a good leader to his wife and children, who’s hardworking, and also active in his church.
But what does this type of man look like as a boy? If our daughters are dating and getting married young, they’ll unavoidably have a “work in progress.” That’s a description that fits all of us – sanctification is a lifelong process – but which is even more true for a boy/man in his late teens who hasn’t yet shouldered the responsibilities of providing for himself, let alone a family. It’s hard, at this point, to take the measure of the man he will become. How do we evaluate potential suitors when there isn’t a lot of track record to look back on?
We need to find out how they react to light and to leadership.
And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed. But whoever does what is true comes to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that his works have been carried out in God.” – John 3:19-21
Does a young man love the light?
This is a characteristic that is easy for us dads to check up on. It’s as simple as asking his parents if they know where he is on Friday and Saturday nights. Does he think it’s no big deal to tell his parents where he will be? Or does he want to keep what he’s up to a mystery? Does he have a problem with having his parents around when friends come over? Or has he introduced all his friends to them? When he goes out to other friends’ houses does his group pick spots where parents are home? Or do they want their privacy?
Many young men in our congregations are planning or attending events that take place late at night and far away from parental, or any other type of, supervision. They may not have a specific intent to get drunk or do other foolishness, but by fleeing from the light they’ve created the opportunity. A teen who tells his parents that it is none of their business where he is going is a boy who loves the dark.
Another question to ask: does he have monitoring software on his computer – Covenant Eyes, for example – and would he be willing to show his smartphone to you? Would he be happy to let you know where he’s been on the Internet? This would be a young man who is unafraid of, and loves, the Light.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her… – Ephesians 5:25
There’s a reason that young women are attracted to “bad boys.” When the other young men they know are doing nothing all that bad and nothing at all remarkable, then an arrogant kid who doesn’t care what anyone thinks can look like leadership material. He, at least, is not lukewarm. But this is the last man we would want for our daughters. His “leadership” recognizes no authority but his own. In contrast, God tells us that as heads to our wives we are called to serve, imitating Christ. Godly men don’t dominate their wives; they die for them.
So how can dads spot this sort of servant leadership in young men? It shows itself in big ways and little.
In a church service, does he hold the songbook for his sister? Or does he have his hands in his pockets while his sister holds the book for him? Does he sing? Or is he too cool (too lukewarm) to praise God with enthusiasm?
How does he treat his mom? If he treats her with respect – if he readily submits to authority – that is a good sign that he can be entrusted with authority. If he treats his mother shamefully, yelling at her, and ignoring what she asks, every young lady should beware! If he’s a terror to someone placed over him, we don’t need to guess how he will treat those under his authority.
Another question to consider: did he take the servant-leader role in the relationship right from the beginning? In any boy-girl dynamic, someone has to be the first to say “I like you” and with that comes the very real risk of being the only one to say it. When that happens, it stings. So was this boy willing to stick his neck out for your daughter? Was he willing to risk looking the fool so she wouldn’t have to? Or did he wait for her to take the lead and ask him out?
How does he take correction? Any boy who dates our daughter is going to be, at best, a godly man partly formed. While we are all works in progress, not all of us recognize this – arrogant young men think themselves beyond the need of correction. If a potential suitor bristles at any suggestion from his elders, or if he’s unwilling to apologize when he’s wrong, then he is definitely the wrong sort for our daughters. We, instead, want the young man who, as we read in Proverbs 15:32, “heeds correction [and] gains understanding.”
Young men hoping to get married are aspiring to a leadership role. But while marriage makes a man a leader, it won’t magically make him a good one.
Fortunately, leadership is a skill that can be learned, and love of the Light something we can grow in. So fathers shouldn’t be expecting perfection. But we also shouldn’t settle for lukewarm. It’s one thing for a young man to not yet be the leader he could be, and something else entirely for him to not be aspiring to this role or preparing for it. It’s one thing for a young man to not be seeking the Light as consistently or vigorously as he should, and another for him to be fleeing from it.
Fathers, we want our daughters to marry young men who love the Lord and want to honor Him in their roles as husband, father, and elder. Let’s be sure, then, that we teach them to look for true leaders who love the light.