Mr. Bennet’s dad jokes are too much

Dads like to be funny, and there’s no question about it but that Mr. Bennet – from Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice – is a funny guy. For those who have had no exposure to the novel (or the many movies), Mr. Bennet is the father of five young women whom his wife would like to see married as soon as possible.

The wit of Mr. Bennet

Mr. Bennet is best known for spending much of his time making ironic remarks at the expense of both his daughters and his overwrought wife of twenty-three years.

For example, when his wife wants their family to get to know the latest eligible bachelor in the neighborhood, Austen tells us that Mr. Bennet is

“…among the earliest of those who waited on Mr. Bingley. He had always intended to visit him, though to the last always assuring his wife that he should not go; and till the evening after the visit was paid she had no knowledge of it.”

Unsurprisingly, his hilarious gag puts his wife under further stress. When she complains that “You have no compassion for my poor nerves,” he responds ironically:

“You mistake me, my dear. I have a high respect for your nerves. They are my old friends. I have heard you mention them with consideration these last twenty years at least.”

Which leads to the question of what exactly he has been doing for the last twenty years…

The weakness of Mr. Bennet

For male readers in particular, Mr. Bennet’s irony probably makes a typical “women’s novel” a little more appealing. But do we understand what a poor example of a husband and father he is?

In his dismissive attitude to his daughters, he labels them all as “silly and ignorant like other girls; but Lizzy [Elizabeth, his second oldest] has something more of quickness than her sisters.” In spite of his greater respect for Elizabeth, he does not take even her seriously when she warns him about her younger sister Lydia’s desire to go to Brighton. It’s not just his wife; in his eyes, none of his children warrant his respect either.

For our purposes, what we need to see is that Mr. Bennet’s humor can mask how he is withdrawing from his responsibilities as a father. He refuses to take the family to Brighton himself, yet he allows Lydia to go under the “supervision” of Colonel Forster and his young bride, Mrs. Forster, who is not much older than the 15-year-old Lydia herself. He knows she might run wild, but uses irony to distance himself from having to call out Lydia’s silliness and keep her out of trouble:

“Lydia will never be easy until she has exposed herself in some public place or other, and we can never expect her to do it with so little expense or inconvenience to her family as under the present circumstances.”

Rather than actively supervising his silly young daughter, whom he himself calls “a common flirt,” he reasons that:

“Colonel Forster is a sensible man, and will keep her out of any real mischief…. At Brighton she will be of less importance… than she has been here. Let us hope, therefore, that her being there may teach her her own insignificance. At any rate, she cannot grow many degrees worse, without authorising us to lock her up for the rest of her life.”

Mr. Bennet’s motives for his parenting and marital style are clearly revealed by Austen’s narration: “To his wife he was very little otherwise indebted, than as her ignorance and folly had contributed to his amusement.” He thought her funny. But to laugh at.

The wit of Jesus Christ

Jesus uses irony in a way that might remind you of Mr. Bennet – it has some bite. His extended rebuke of the Pharisees and teachers in Matthew 23 begins with backhanded praise: “The scribes and the Pharisees sit on Moses’ seat, so do and observe whatever they tell you, but not the works they do. For they preach, but do not practice.” In other words, He praises them as worth listening to, even as He denounces them as hypocrites.

In the same discourse, He, again, both praises and condemns in the same sentence, saying, “you travel across sea and land to make a single proselyte, and when he becomes a proselyte, you make him twice as much a child of hell as yourselves.”

Jesus’ healing of the man born blind in John 9 offers Him the opportunity to call the Pharisees to truly see their own need of spiritual healing: “For judgment I have come into this world, so that the blind may see and those who see may become blind.”

So, if both Jesus and Mr. Bennet are masters of ironic wit, what’s the difference?

The first difference is the choice of target. Mr. Bennet’s irony, motivated mostly by his disappointment with his marriage, targets those he considers to be ignorant… though if they are so it is largely due to his own failure to grant them whatever wisdom he has. Jesus condemns those who truly deserve the rebukes He gives them, because He is defending His people against their arrogance and error.

The second difference is the motivation and attitude behind it. Mr. Bennet puts up his irony as a wall between himself and his family, disengaging from their troubles. But Jesus never disengaged. Like His Father, who grieved at the unfaithfulness of Ephraim that would eventually bring them under His long-delayed judgment (Hosea 11:5-9, 12:14), Jesus wept over the coming judgment of Jerusalem (Luke 19:41-44).

The weakness of Jesus Christ

Mr. Bennet has failed to guide and protect his family, and that failure and the irony that he uses to cover it up show a weakness of character. Mr. Bennet’s ultimately callous wit is not an example for us, but a warning.

Jesus’ weakness is not like Mr. Bennet’s weakness. It is not a character trait, nor a passive response to disappointing circumstances. The Son of God deliberately embraced weakness, to become one of us. His willingness to be hurt, to be a man of sorrows (Isaiah 53:3), is not a cautionary tale, but is a comfort for us.

Unlike Mr. Bennet, who, for most of Pride and Prejudice, uses irony to distract himself and others from his obligations, Jesus not only felt compassion, but acted on it, whether in His teaching the crowds (Matthew 9, Mark 6), healing the sick (Matthew 14), feeding the hungry (Matthew 15, Mark 8), casting out demons (Mark 9), or raising the dead (Luke 7).

The way of Jesus Christ for husbands and dads

Husbands and fathers who want to follow the example of our Savior and not Mr. Bennet can get biblical guidance from Proverbs 1-9, and from Paul’s commands and fatherly example.

Proverbs puts much of its instruction in the form of a father’s earnest exhortation to his son. It is striking that the very first verse in which the father speaks already shows a great difference from Mr. Bennet’s attitude, because the father of Proverbs upholds the wisdom of his wife: “Hear my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching” (1:8). Throughout Proverbs, there are as many warnings against disrespect for mothers as for fathers.

Paul’s instructions give Christian husbands and fathers further guidance for their task:

• Contrary to Mr. Bennet’s behavior, fathers are commanded not to provoke their children, either to anger (Ephesians 6:4) or to discouragement (Colossians 3:21). It is worth considering whether some (or much) fatherly joking and teasing is actually the “corrupting talk” warned against in Ephesians 4:29, rather than what “is good for building up.” A good test might be simply how a son or daughter reacts to a nickname or a teasing remark: grin or grimace?
• Positively, a Christian father should be doing what Mr. Bennet retreated from doing: committing himself to “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord,” (Ephesians 6:4), as does the father figure in Proverbs 1-9 – “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15).
• If a Christian husband truly believes, as Mr. Bennet did, that he has a foolish wife – or he in any way is dissatisfied with her – then he should reflect on his own prior foolishness. After all, he was the one who chose her and he needs to concern himself first with the log in his own eye rather than the speck in hers (Matthew 7:1-5). Having done that, he may take on the head’s role of building both himself and his wife up in the wisdom of Christ. Since he and his wife are “one flesh,” he should love her as Christ loves the church, guiding her (and himself) to be “holy and without blemish.” Let them both grow together through joining a Bible study for both men and women, shared devotions and podcasts (see reformedperspective.ca), and discussion motivated by questions like “What did you get out of that sermon?”

Benefitting from Bennet

Mr. Bennet finally realizes how destructive his parental and spousal neglect has been when it is too late for him to do much about the problems he’s allowed to develop. Thankfully another character steps in to save the day.

Christian men who see their failures and sins as fathers and husbands may yet have time to make changes. But whether it is too late, or there is time yet, you will need to turn to another to save the day. Fathers must come before God in Christ, to receive forgiveness, whether it is for the sin of withdrawing from family responsibilities, or peforming them in a sin-stained manner. We can ask, knowing forgiveness will be given. And then we can seek the strength and guidance of the Spirit and the Word to become husbands more like Christ and fathers more like their Father in heaven.