Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. They smile, they joke, they like each other. Boy and girl have sex. If they are really conservative, they wait for the third or fourth date.
There is no message in the modern media, outside of Christian publishing, that encourages people to wait until after marriage to engage in sexual activities. If one watches TV and movies, it is easy to feel glad when a couple looks so happy – when we should be slapping ourselves on the side of the head and saying: “Hello! They are committing fornication or adultery and grieving God and everyone around them right now!”
We Christians know that God says sex is only for within marriage. But I have been told by people that, “everyone is doing it” and “it’s a forgivable sin” and that “we just got carried away.” So I began listing all of the reasons I have ever heard from ministers or Christian counselors that explain why we should not have sex outside of marriage. These were reasons that they based on Scripture and numerous counseling sessions. I have presented this list from the point of view of an unmarried person, but the principles apply to those who are married as well.
We are in a battle against many enemies – the world, the flesh and the devil – and when the hormones heat up, I think it helps to have as much ammunition as possible.
Eight reasons
1. Don’t disobey
You belong to the Lord, and therefore you are not your own, and He says that you should not. He created sex – there is nothing “dirty” about it – it is one of His good gifts, in its rightful place.
He also has promised to give you strength to face sexual temptation, and you should regularly ask Him for it.
2. Seek high quality
The sexual relationship is a very special and intimate bond between two people who have made a commitment to each other for life. The world tells us that we’d better check out our sexual compatibility before marriage. What they do not explain, and may not even realize, is that you diminish the quality of that lifelong relationship by giving away that special part of yourself to others beforehand. You damage that capability for intimacy! Why would you want to settle for less than the beautiful creation that God has intended for you? It would be like driving a 20-year-old rusty car when a brand new luxury automobile would have been yours. There is a loss suffered when you refuse to wait. There is wonderful reward for both when you come together for the very first time after the wedding ceremony.
You are both worth waiting for.
3. Focus your life
There are many other exciting and interesting and helpful and practical things to do with your time and your energy. If you focus on learning and preparing, and helping others and worshipping God, instead of on sex, you will not feel nearly as tempted to disobey God in this way.
When couples focus on the physical sensations during dating or engagement, they do not take the time to really get to know each other spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and economically. She might be a great kisser, but does she budget money carefully? Does she know how to run a home? He might be a hunk to look at, but is he a hard worker, or a whiner? Does he like to talk about the Lord and pray together? Does he help others, or just think about himself? There is so much to learn about a person before a commitment is made. You should bake the cake before you put on the frosting.
4. Don’t be selfish
The sexual relationship is a coming together “as one flesh”, and therefore it belongs only within a marriage. It is not a recreational activity. A guy should not “use” a woman/girl just to satisfy his own lust (“what base can I get to?”); a girl should think more highly of herself than to allow herself to be used. And a girl should not use a guy to provide herself with status and emotional highs (“if I don’t have a boyfriend, people will think less of me!”). Both should trust that God will provide a spouse if He so plans. She does not have to make herself a sex object in order to get loved. Her desires, as well as his, will be fulfilled when commitment is attached, and there cannot be abandonment afterwards.
5. Don’t hurt the future
Even though you are “going together,” “in love,” or “engaged,” unmarried is still unmarried, that is, not married, right up until the ceremony itself is over.
If you are sexually intimate with someone and then you break up, then you have been intimate with someone else’s wife or husband, and all of you will have to deal with those memories and feelings of guilt for a very long time. Even if you marry the person, you will have that disappointment/guilt/shame of knowing you started out your relationship in disobedience to God.
As well, your beloved spouse will deserve to be accepted and not mentally compared to others (herein lies an argument against pornography and the trouble it can cause later on, as well.)
6. Don’t believe everything you see
Sex is not always as exciting and romantic as it looks in the movies. Think about it – how realistic are the lives of the people in the films? They make it look all “right” and “perfect” because that makes the story better. They don’t talk about body odors and annoying habits and other things that one needs true love and commitment in order to overlook. It is not uncommon for married couples to have to work out difficulties in this area. Why complicate things beforehand?
You probably have many years of life ahead of you during which you can engage in quality sexual intimacy with your spouse. But if you talk with married people, you will hear that the urgency and frequency wears off a bit over the years – so why should you start the “slow-down” sooner than necessary? There’s plenty of time when it’s the right time. You have the whole rest of your lives to enjoy one another.
7. Don’t Have A Child
You might get pregnant, or cause a pregnancy, and you will not be in the best position to provide for that child. It’s not good planning, and it’s not good sense to do so, nor the best situation for your beloved child. It causes terrible pain to both sets of parents as well, and you should show respect and love for them. When you are expecting a child, you should be able to tell your parents joyfully: “you’re going to have a grandchild!”
8. Don’t itch, burn, contaminate, or die
You might get a sexually transmitted disease from someone who gave it to someone who gave it to someone who gave it to your “partner.” They are invisible, so how would you know? HIV is only one – there are several more that are incurable. If this person is willing to engage in sexual activity (and that means all kinds involving the private areas), then it may be likely that they’ve done it with others as well. Since they are being sinful in this one area, they may not be too concerned about adding a little dishonesty to it as well.
Conclusion
A friend of mine told me that the only reason that we should need is the first one: Don’t Disobey the Lord. That should be true. We are called to be a separate and holy people, different from the world. However, I believe it can help us when we see just how many different types of harm God is protecting us from when He tells us to save sex for marriage.