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Being the Church

God loves a cheerful giver

6 ways to restore the joy of giving

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In one sense, the most faithful givers during the earthly ministry of Jesus Christ were the Pharisees, as He Himself said: “you Pharisees… tithe mint and rue and every herb” (Luke 11:42). However, a fuller look at this passage shows that Jesus was not pleased with their self-glorifying and joyless giving: “But woe to you Pharisees! For you… neglect justice and the love of God” (Luke 11:42).

Christ wants us to give from the heart so we should never allow our generosity to become merely a dutiful routine. But it can easily happen. For example, one way to give responsibly to your church is to give by automatic or pre-authorized withdrawal. If you have a stable income, it’s an excellent way to commit to giving your first fruits each month… but it can also become almost invisible, to the point that you barely realize that you are giving at all.

Yet, “God loves a cheerful giver” (2 Cor. 9:7). So how can we be more heartfelt, God-loving, and cheerful in our giving? Be more intentional – if you invest your time and thoughts, your heart will follow. So here’s a half dozen ways to restore the joy in your giving.

1. See for yourself

While our giving shouldn’t be motivated by our pleasure, it can be motivated by knowing the good it is doing. Paul demonstrates this when he shares with the Corinthians the blessing their gift will be for those in need in Jerusalem, and also shares what glory it will give God (2 Cor. 9:12-13).

If you are giving faithfully to your congregation’s budgetary needs, invest some time as well. Read over the budget before the annual congregational meeting to see where your money is going. Focus carefully on the reports of the various committees in your congregation to see or hear what they have been doing and hope to be doing in the year ahead.

When giving to other Reformed and Christian causes, get informed about them, and be sure to sign up for updates on the work being done by any ministry you are supporting.

Visiting the building where an organization does its work can give you a better understanding of the value of, and the need for, its services. For example, when I recently visited Edmonton’s Hope Mission, Ryan Harding, the Mission’s manager of community engagement, told me of one client who had, more than a decade ago, actually threatened Ryan while high on crystal meth, but who was now ministering to others at the Mission.

While I was there I saw the Mission was putting up wooden barriers around one end and one side of each bunk, so I asked about it. Ryan explained that many of the men they served had felt a lack of privacy, being exposed on every side – the barriers fixed that, and they also lowered the level of conflict among their clients. However, Ryan stressed that these barriers come with a cost. There’s the financial cost of installing them, and also the expenses involved in the increased need for more supervision because the barriers block staff’s view of the men in the bunks – now it is harder to see if men are using drugs or might be having a medical emergency.

Being there, and being able to see and ask questions gave me a good sense of their need for funds and the careful use they are putting them to. And that certainly increases the joy in giving!

2. Let others know

Share your newsletters from Christian charities and ministries with your friends and neighbors. Promote those same organizations on social media, being sure to open your posts with acknowledgment that their successes are due to God’s blessing and to His glory. If the leaders of the ministries you support have written a book or two about their work, request a copy, read it, talk about it, and pass it along to your nearest Little Free Library, or lend it to multiple interested people.

The Westminster Shorter Catechism tells us, rightly, that “the chief end of man” is to “glorify God and enjoy Him

“Blessings box” let’s light shine The “blessings box” pictured here has been built by Providence Canadian Reformed Church on the edge of their property in the middle of their residential Edmonton neighborhood. Church members share all kinds of blessings with their neighbors via the blessings box: canned goods (in the summer), dry goods, hygiene items, and, as mentioned in the article, good Christian books. Providence Church supplies stickers with Bible verses to put on the items shared. The church members’ goal is for the neighbors of Providence Church to see it as, by the grace of God, a blessing to their neighbors, and to encourage their neighbors to check out what makes this church so willing to be a blessing. For more information, see ProvidenceReformed.ca/the-blessings-box.

forever,” so let the world know how the groups and people are bringing glory to God.

3. Get your hands, or feet, involved

Consider giving more than just your money. Put in some sweat equity to, again, have a better idea of what your money is supporting.

In your church, volunteer to provide coffee and other refreshments on Sunday; buy supplies for your church’s Little

Free Library or Blessings Box; join your church’s outreach to the neighborhoods around the church building; become a member of the church’s Committee of Administration or sound crew; and either step up to allow your name to stand as a candidate for office-bearer or support your office-bearers with hospitality, or errands, or meals to support their families during the busy times of an office-bearer’s term.

As far as spending volunteer time outside your own congregation, the idea of regularly volunteering for a particular organization may seem scary or impractical for you. Perhaps you are feeling a mismatch between your talents and the organization’s needs, or maybe you have bigger commitments right now to your church and/or your family. “If so, perhaps you can support others’ efforts: encourage your kids to get involved (and commit to driving them if needed), or help make it possible for your spouse to free up some time to contribute to this cause.”

Getting together with others to support your favorite organization spreads the joy, and promotes the glory of God, that much more. For instance, if you only have time to make one visit to see what an organization is doing, you may still be able to bring others with you. Organize a group to tour the headquarters or the sites where the ministry does its outreach.

If you can only commit to one afternoon or one evening a year for the organization, see if you can help get a team together, or make a date of it with your spouse for the group’s annual fundraiser. And if that fundraiser is a walkathon, it gets you into the fresh air, gives you exercise, and promotes your fellowship for a morning or afternoon together – win/win! When a number of Canadian Reformed school staff and students organized a team to walk for the Union Gospel Mission in Winnipeg, the competition to raise more funds than the other teams was just plain fun, but it also promoted God’s glory by spreading around the knowledge of what God was doing through the Mission.

4. Follow the money

Another way to feel good about your giving is to know that the funds are being used in a stewardly way. So check the accountability of the organizations you are contributing to.

Visiting them might be the best way, but you can also look over their public budgets (especially comparing planned spending and revenue to actual spending and revenue), and their online ratings. For example, if the organization is American, you can visit the Ministry Watch 1000 Database to see the financial accountability and efficiency of the one thousand biggest Christian charities in the United States. Ministry Watch has tough standards for financial accountability, and a willingness to report on Christian organizations that are not living up to their Christian mission, or are even involved in actual abuse of those that they are supposed to be serving, but it also highlights Christian organizations that combine Christian ministry with financial accountability.

5. Don’t underestimate the urgency

Another way to restore the joy of giving is to realize the ultimate purpose and the urgency of what you are doing. In his article on ChristianStudyLibrary.org, Glenn D. Jerrell reminds us that:

“We are the church militant! Do not underestimate the enemy! After all, ‘your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour’ (1 Peter 5:8). The Scriptures also teach us to ‘take every thought captive to obey Christ.’ Your whole life is engaged in this struggle – and that includes your giving. Resources for gospel ministry are needed now!

“….The warfare between God and Satan should generate a life-and-death sense of urgency to support and sustain gospel ministry with all the means that God gives us and to do so from generation to generation.”

We are in the midst of spiritual warfare! Faithful giving equips our fellow warriors to proclaim how our God “has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins” (Col. 1:13-14), and to help see others rescued as well.

6. Remember the chief part of our thankfulness

Finally, we need to remind ourselves of the spiritual dangers associated with giving: a sense of self-reliance and self-glorification. We may be tempted to think that we have done so much for God’s kingdom.

The best way to avoid those dangers is to bring the organizations God has given us the resources to support before Him, in both thankfulness and supplication for their work (Phil. 4:6). After all, the Heidelberg Catechism says that prayer is the chief part of our thankfulness, and thanking God for His work through Christian ministries, and seeking His help to make their work fruitful, kills our innate pride in our own generosity and brings glory to Him and joy in His work.

It is easy to lose track of the ways in which God is working in the world. One way to avoid that is to make a list of everything you are giving to, as well as other worthy organizations, and to put them on your own personal prayer calendar – for instance, intentionally thanking God for, and interceding for, specific ministries each day of the week.

Finally, in all your prayer, as the ultimate pride-killer and joy-giver, remember how much more God has done for you in Christ than you could ever do for Him: “Thanks be to God for his inexpressible gift!” (2 Cor. 9:15).

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Part of God’s equipping us to courage also involves rightly understanding what real courage is ***** Fear. We all feel it at times. We might be facing a job interview or something even more serious like a disease, or the loss of a loved one. We wonder, What’s going to happen? Even though we trust in God’s sovereignty, our weak selves cannot help but flail about at times. So what’s the answer to such fear? Courage, of course. But not simply the sort that depends on the steadiness of our own resolve. God calls us to a different sort of courage, and He equips us to it too. Part of that equipping is the communion of saints He gives us. I find it intriguing that the word “encouragement” is, well, full of courage. To encourage is, as the dictionary puts it, “to inspire with courage, spirit, or confidence: to stimulate by assistance, approval, etc.” Our words and deeds can aid others to feel courageous and tackle or re-tackle whatever situation was frightening them. We’ve all experienced it – a person comes along at the right time, and offers the right words to turn discouragement into hope. Or your support may have come from a sermon, a book, a family member, or a brother or sister in Christ. From feeling downcast (the word that Psalms uses), you began to see your way forward. We all need courage, which means we all need the encouragement of others. Specific attributes of courage Part of God’s equipping us to courage also involves rightly understanding what real courage is. We all admire the person who’ll run into a burning building or jump into a river to save someone’s life. This takes courage, for certain. As the actor John Wayne once said, “Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway.” That is so true. But as we look at our daily lives, we can find many less dramatic but important ways that this virtue should also be applied. Before we look at a few specific ways we may need to “saddle up,” let’s delve into a few more specific attributes of courage. In a recent presentation at my church entitled “You’re Gonna Need That Spine,” Dr. Joe Rigney gave the following in-depth definition of courage: “Courage is a habitual, sober-minded self-possession that overcomes fear through the power of a deeper desire for a greater good.” Along those lines, Rigney exhorted us to consider the following summarization of its attributes: Courage involves double vision. You not only see the danger out there that’s frightening you, at the same time you can also foresee the good that would come in overcoming your fear. For example, a child is drowning and though you are afraid of the cold water and waves, you know that your swimming ability may save the child’s life. Or perhaps you are afraid of presenting yourself poorly at a job interview, but you go because you foresee the good that will come if you are hired. Courage is a habit. You don’t just wake up one morning and have courage – to have it, you need to cultivate and grow into it. This will involve facing difficult situations repeatedly, and successfully overcoming them. For example, public speaking is a common fear. But if you go ahead with your speech even as your knees and hands are shaking, then repeating the experience will build courage. Living through a difficult situation teaches you that God has given you these abilities, and assures you that you’ll be able to manage future such situations, through God’s strength. Courage manifests in risk-taking and fortitude. There is a daring or risk-taking that is about seeing the good we don’t yet have – the girl you’d like to ask out, or the job you’d love to have – and being willing to risk danger, despite the fear we feel. This the courage that’s needed to take a hill in battle. Then there is the kind of courage involved in keeping that same hill when the counterattack comes. This fortitude or endurance is about holding onto the good that we already have. It resists the impulse to flee or retreat in the face of hardship and difficulty and pain. This is the courage that has us fight for our marriages, even if the going gets tough. Instead of giving up, we courageously address the problems. Recklessness is the opposite of courage. We understand that cowardice is the flipside of courage – cowardice shrinks back from danger, gives in to fear, and retreats in the face of pain, difficulty, or death. But courage is also the opposite of recklessness, which it is sometimes confused with. Reckless is more akin to crazy – thoughtlessly punching the gas pedal on an icy curve. Courage is always guided by reason, wisdom, and what is true. Courage recognizes the difference between necessary and unnecessary risks – some risks are not worth taking, so the reason you’d take a risk matters. Everyone needs a spine Just as Esther in the Old Testament was told, we have been placed in this world now, “for such a time as this.” We live in an unrighteous culture, where Christians are attacked as narrow-minded or haters when we dare to speak God’s truth. We need to hear again the words of Joshua 1:9, where God encouraged Joshua: “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” As Rigney said, “ is the source of our strength. There’s a reason. He is both the good that you cling to and the power that enables you to cling to it. He enables us to hold on when we want to let go.” In an article from the C.S. Lewis Institute on courage, Arthur W. Lindsley says: “How can we be free from this fear and have the courage to live for the truth in our times? 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If we have a rift between us and a brother or sister in the Lord (or anyone, really), we may feel fear about addressing the situation. But Christ says that we must (Matt. 5:24; 18:15), and so we need courage to do so, even within our own households. If a woman finds it a scary thought, to follow a fallible man in her marriage, she needs courage. 1 Peter 3 describes a submissive attitude and action and a gentle and quiet spirit, and he ends that section by saying that we can take inspiration from “holy women of the past who put their hope in God” – we can be like Sarah “if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.” Rigney states that “Courage is about what happens when things get hard.” He encourages us to face hard situations by Christ’s strength without grumbling and self-pity. “It’s such hope that firmly believes that hardships, trials, and dangers are instruments in the hands of a good God for our good. This subdues the passion of fear and the anxiety that rides up – What’s going to happen? I can’t control the future, what about the kids? One of the key traits of the Proverbs 31 woman is that she laughs at the time to come. She looks at the future with all the possibilities, including the horrific ones, and she says ‘bring it on.’ Sarah is a model of the sober-minded hopeful obedience and submission to her husband. Because of her hope in God, she conquered her fears, maintained that gentle spirit in submission first to God and then to Abram.” Imagine the absolute trust in God that made David step forward and challenge Goliath. Imagine the courage that enabled Jael to invite her enemy into her tent and conquer him. We may never be in that sort of danger. But we need courage to face the fears that we encounter in our daily lives. As this quotation from Mary Anne Radmacher suggests, “Courage doesn’t always roar. 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Being the Church

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“ revealed that 46 percent of American adults report feeling lonely sometimes or always. In that same study, younger adults reported feeling lonelier than their elders, with those aged between eighteen and twenty-two the loneliest of all.” – Jeremy Nobel in Project UnLonely ***** I used to latch onto quotes like this, because they made loneliness acceptable beyond the regularly-discussed groups of the sick, the elderly or the widowed. Loneliness is devastating for anybody, but I had the sense it was more acceptable for some people. “Normal people” – by which I thought of people like me, people on the younger side with their life ahead of them, who had jobs and knew lots of people – weren’t supposed to be lonely. But in the last decade, talk of loneliness has exploded for everybody. Loneliness has been declared a “pandemic,” there is a “friendship recession,” and “deaths of despair” are rising. Everyone in modern society is lonely, even the young, and it’s getting worse. This means that if you look around you, many people are probably lonely, including people who don’t look like your idea of the typical lonely person. If you’re lonely, chances are many others you meet are too. And it means that even though your loneliness can feel like it is “all your fault,” there must be something about our modern world that is making the rates of loneliness increase. If the obvious answer to loneliness is community, then being part of the church community should solve the problem of loneliness. So why are so many church people lonely as well? Let’s take a look at: what loneliness is what you can do what the Church can do about it 1. LONELINESS HURTS When I felt the most alone in my life, it felt like pure agony. Until that moment, I did not realize the depths of loneliness could feel like that. But why? First, what is loneliness? A simple definition of loneliness comes from Harvard professor of psychiatry, Robert Waldinger: “the sense that I am less connected to other people than I want to be.” This makes it different than just being alone. After all, some of us enjoy being alone, and some of us feel lonely in a crowd. Loneliness is actually the feeling of being alone or isolated, and so loneliness is something subjective. It’s something you have to ask others if they’re feeling. This is what makes loneliness tricky, because it’s not always obvious on the outside. And circumstances that might make you feel lonely might not make someone else feel lonely in the same way. Uncovering loneliness requires actually connecting with someone, ironically. The amount loneliness hurts can be underestimated unless you've experienced it yourself. But why would it hurt? Humans weren’t created to be alone. We know this from Genesis 2. But we also know this from the extreme difficulty of surviving entirely on your own. While there are survival stories where someone is lost in the wilderness for months, in general those separated from their group struggle to survive. So it’s no wonder we feel vulnerable when we don’t have anyone to rely on because we are vulnerable and in danger – not as vulnerable as if we were lost in the woods, wondering where we can find our next meal. But our bodies still perceive the lack of other people’s presence around us, and for many, that’ll get their brain screaming at them, danger, danger, danger! You might know intellectually that you are never alone because God is there, but can you feel it? Sometimes you can, and sometimes, like Adam in the Garden, you can’t shake the feeling of being alone. Not only does it logically make sense that we’d react to the vulnerability of being alone, there’s evidence that our bodies seem to register loneliness like pain too. Scientists have found that areas of the brain that “hunger” for food react similarly when you “hunger” for social connection. MRI studies have found that areas that light up when you’re in pain also light up when you’re rejected by others. It’s not totally crazy that loneliness can feel like pain either – like pain, it can signal us to change our behavior. Perhaps God meant to remind us through these sensations that He created us to care for and live in relationship with other people. Unfortunately, loneliness can lead to a negative cycle. You become less trusting of unfamiliar people when you're lonely, and more likely to view them negatively. You imagine they view you negatively too, and this doesn't get disproven because you pull away from others. And in turn, people can find you unpleasant to be around, since you’re more protective and less trusting. This cycle works to keep you lonely and isolated, and it takes great energy to break that cycle and open up to others again. This explains why sometimes you reach out to someone you know is lonely and they’re not receptive. It’s not easy to climb out of isolation once you’ve fallen into it. Lastly, what makes loneliness complex is that it’s not a single experience. You might think, I know what loneliness is, it’s uncomfortable but I don’t know what she means when she’s talking about pain. Well, everyone’s experience of loneliness is different. Why, after all, do some feel lonely when surrounded by people? They’re experiencing the crowd differently than the others in the crowd. Or take the vastly different life experiences that can lead to loneliness – a senior who can’t leave her nursing home, a husband who lost his lifelong companion, a child who just started at a new school – do all these types of loneliness feel the same? Do all people react to them the same way? So the label, loneliness, on its own doesn’t always explain exactly what a person is experiencing. Loneliness matters because it causes us to really suffer, even before we start to count the health problems that often stem from it. And it takes effort to break the cycle. 2. YOUR ROLE It’s not “all your fault” if you’re lonely. The common advice given can make you feel that way because it’s so action-oriented. You’re told: Just put yourself out there even if you’ve been doing that for years and haven’t seen many results from it. Invite people over even when it feels like pulling teeth to find a time slot on people’s calendars when they’re free to visit. Just be content even when the person giving you advice has no idea how tiring it can feel to make every single life decision alone. And reaching out to others for help can be difficult too. To say you are lonely can feel like you are opening yourself up to the scorn of the world, like a stamp on your forehead: No one likes me. It’s the pain of rejection, combined with the judgment that maybe you’re lonely simply because you weren't doing enough. Much of the rising problem of loneliness comes from the world around us. We don’t live in small communities where it’s possible for everyone to know everyone, and people now move from place to place a lot more. You might just be getting to know someone and then they get a new job across the country. Some of it is the pace of modern life, and the burnout many of us are experiencing just trying to keep up with rising bills and inflation. It’s hard to make friends when you work long hours, or if you’re wrangling two toddlers and caring for your elderly parents 24/7. Some of it is the way our cities are built, with a lack of places for us to casually run into our acquaintances often enough for them to become friends (which is actually the most common way to make friends – simply seeing them frequently). And some of it is the faceless technology we use every day which strips away personal connection in favor of apps, chatbots and algorithms. So no, it’s not all your fault. But that doesn’t mean you are helpless. As with so many other things in life, it’s about letting go of what you can’t control, and working with what you can. We can’t remake the modern world. At the same time, change can only start with ourselves. Our ancestors knew this, every time they spread the seed and prayed for rain. We can only do what’s in our control. So back to loneliness. What can you do? You can take the risks, and make the sacrifices. Accept the friction of living in community Loneliness is painful, but connecting with others can be bitterly painful too. The simple truth is, it’s hard to live with other people. We can have a negative view of “people” for good reason. People aren’t trustworthy, people do hurt us, people can irritate or insult us. Relationships involve friction, and we’re getting less and less used to that. Friendship is both being vulnerable with someone, and managing the tension of hanging out with someone who doesn’t always think like you. So having connections and relationships can feel like a burden, and a burden is heavy when we’re already burnt out by so many other things. Maybe because we think of community and relationships as being fun and easy, then when they’re hard we’re stopped in our tracks. Maybe because we know community is a blessing, we forget about the thorns and thistles. Then, when the beginning of building community is often so very hard and fruitless, we think we’re doing something wrong. After all, through technology, we’ve made “connecting” easy. You can find people with the same specific interests as you, however niche they might be. And you can talk to people without leaving your house. You can see people’s faces from far away. You can remove people you disagree with. As relational psychotherapist Esther Perel puts it: “We do not have the practice at the moment. Everything about predictive technologies is basically giving us a form of assisted living. You get it all served in uncomplicated, lack of friction, no obstacles and you no longer know how to deal with people.” In fact, because technology makes it easy to find “someone else,” and because it seems possible to find people who think exactly the way we do, we are more likely to expect others to adapt to us. We become less used to the flexibility we need to live among people with differences. But community is hard. Community is not finding someone who thinks identically to you, and spending all your time with them, but instead about feeling that friction, sometimes living in the discomfort, sometimes changing your mind and other times agreeing to disagree. It’s about learning what parts of yourself you hold loosely, as well as learning about the more difficult parts of yourself. Community isn’t meant to not take sacrifice. As Stephen Junger puts it in his book Tribe, after describing the quiet life of someone who worked hard for his community: “He understood that belonging to society requires sacrifice, and that sacrifice gives back way more than it costs… That sense of solidarity is at the core of what it means to be human.” So yes, it can be painful to live in community, but unlike the pain of loneliness, it can pay off in the end. Despite the effects of sinful human nature, belonging to society reminds us of what it means to be human, of what God created us to be. You see yourself reflected in others, you attempt to build new things alongside others, and your ideas are shaped by bumping up against what other people think. The first step is to take the risk – to make that sacrifice without knowing what the “pay-off” looks like. The sacrifice of time One of these sacrifices is time, because it takes time to know someone. This was admittedly easier when you’d interact with the same people frequently (such as back when you were in school). Then it was just built into your daily routine. When you’re lonely but busy, it can be exhausting to think of adding another thing to your “to do” list, to fit in regular contact with someone new. But you cannot build community without investing time. Sometimes there simply aren’t enough hours in a day. But when you can free up time to get to know someone new, it can re-energize you in ways your tired brain didn’t expect, through the different perspectives and fresh outlook on life that other people can bring. The sacrifice of effort without knowing results It’s a sacrifice too, to put in the effort even when there’s no guarantee of results. If we knew we’d always feel great every time we talked to someone new, we’d probably do it more often. (In fact, studies have shown we underestimate how much enjoyment we’d get out of talking to a stranger.) But when talking to someone new, there is often a stage where it feels like we’re going through the motions, politely making small talk. And worse, this investment in conversation might not “pay off”– this person might not turn out to be someone we connect with as friends. But while it might sound exhausting, it might not be as exhausting as you think to smile at the cashier or make small talk with strangers you meet. Even if not every interaction rises to friendship, you’re open to the possibility that they could. We want friends that are comfortable, that we can just show up for and not need to put in the effort. But to get there takes an investment of effort without any guarantee you will ever connect on that level. The sacrifice of opening up Lastly, you’ll need to take the risk of being vulnerable. There’s no connection without true vulnerability with another person. You do not have to be vulnerable with everyone you meet, and there is an argument that people sometimes reveal too much about themselves too quickly in our age of authenticity. It is wise to choose whom you talk about the deepest parts of your heart with carefully. But the only way outside of yourself is to open yourself up. This can be as simple as admitting loneliness to someone else. You’ll need to act in hope to overcome loneliness, because loneliness sucks you into negativity. Loneliness can convince you there's no way out – that the world is hostile and everyone hates you. Instead, climb towards hope. You don’t need everyone to like you, you just need a few to connect with, and to know that they do exist out there somewhere. Proceeding in hope will have you continuing to put yourself out there to find them. In the current climate, optimism is in short supply, but as Christians we know there’s hope no matter how bad things get. We have the freedom to be optimistic. I’ll stop there with the suggestions before it does start to sound like loneliness is all a result of what you do (or how you think). In the end, it’s about looking at what is in your control, working with that, and letting go of what’s not in your control. Letting go and letting God – we plant our seeds and pray for rain. We can’t solve everything And here’s one last painful truth – not all loneliness can be fixed. You can’t ever replace someone’s lost spouse. You can’t resolve everyone’s life experiences – there are sometimes reasons a person will feel alone even among other people, because no one else has seen the things they’ve seen. Things like burnout, and bad finances, and people moving or dying, can get in the way. It’s even possible that the community you happen to live in is dysfunctional in a way that isn’t healthy, and you can’t adapt yourself to that. Sometimes we can't control everything, we can't “fix” everything, and loneliness will hurt us. “Darkness is my closest friend,” laments Heman the Ezrahite in Psalm 88, and so we know even this feeling was well-known to Christians before us. In this broken world, not all things are fixed, but we always always can hang onto hope, knowing the perfect fellowship that is to come. 3. THE ROLE OF THE CHURCH We can think of loneliness as a problem “out there” because here in the Church we have community. But the Church is not immune to the impact of modern society – its faster pace of life, more technology and distractions, and increased individualism. When I mentioned I was writing this article, I received a flood of comments from Church members who could relate to loneliness for a variety of reasons. Yes, members of the Church shouldn’t have as many reasons to feel lonely. But that doesn't mean that we don't experience it. So what can the Church do? Be the Church A recent article by Derek Thompson, “The True Cost of the Churchgoing Bust,” argues that the loss of social ties might be connected to declining religion in North America. Churches (and other religious buildings) provide a communal gathering space where people meet regularly, giving them a space to interact and see others often enough to make friends. They also provide religious rituals (such as the Lord’s Supper) that take people out of the virtual world of their phones and into the here and now. “he religious ritual,” Thompson says, “is typically embodied, synchronous, deep, and collective.” You have to be present to experience it. So one way the Church can help is simply by existing and continuing to do the things it has done for centuries. But a hard truth is that showing up week after week for two services provides opportunity for community, but not community itself. Yes, you have come together with other people in an objective way, but if the connections don’t go deeper you may not feel very connected to other human beings at all. The rhythm of the Church community can be nice, because you don’t have to “make plans” for the activities that have happened in the Church for centuries. But sometimes you need to pour your heart out to a listening ear, and that kind of activity still does need to be scheduled. Recognize the problem What more can the Church do? One thing the Church can recognize is how deep the problem runs. We can be aware that the existence of a congregation might not be enough to erase loneliness among us. When you’re lonely, you feel invisible, and by recognizing loneliness is a problem, the Church can begin to help the lonely feel seen. However, this is more than just sympathy – too often an admission of loneliness is met with sympathy and nothing more. Sympathy is not companionship, and can be isolating. It’s companionship that heals loneliness. To say “I am lonely” is to be vulnerable without any guarantee of protection. Can we make it safer to admit loneliness to each other? Can we make it easier? Another side to this is understanding the challenge of loneliness, and the negative cycle that can reduce lonely people’s trust in other people. To bring a lonely person into community might take more time than we expect. We will have to show them they can trust the Church, and that they’re safe opening themselves up to others again. Show people where they belong Next, a church can also give someone a “place.” A better way to say it might be a “sense of belonging.” Modern life has brought not just a change in technology and urban sprawl, but also a change in our sense of belonging. In the past in our villages or tribes, we knew who we were and what we were expected to do. We knew who everyone else was, and we knew our role. Now we have gained a lot of freedom, but we’ve lost something too. We are able to constantly reinvent our “roles,” and even our “selves,” but in the end the burden of figuring ourselves out is laid on us. But in the Church, there is opportunity to be reminded of where we belong once again. We’re brothers and sisters, we’re elders or pastors or members. You might have a task, or you might have a place to use your skills. Your place in the community is recognized by others – you are needed and seen by others. But we can be more deliberate about this, especially for those who aren’t “in office.” There are many who don’t fit into the traditional Church roles (pastor, elder, deacon, pianist, bookkeeper, etc.) who still need a place, and perhaps we can be more creative in finding ways for those who fall through the cracks to still feel they fit in in an important way. It’s those on the edges of the community who don’t feel like they belong, who don’t think they have a role and who maybe even think no one would miss them if they weren’t there. Reaching out and showing someone how they can grow into who they’re meant to be can make a big difference. Be a community that accepts social friction If we’re going to turn away from niche, online communities to real, face-to-face communities in the real world, we will have to get comfortable with the friction that living in community can bring. Since the Church community is built on truths that can’t be changed, differences among us can feel destabilizing. Of course we should never compromise the truth, but we also have to accept God-created individuality among us. If there is any place where iron can sharpen iron, it should be in the Church, but it is a challenge to find ways of doing this wisely. We can start by accepting the possibility of discomfort, as well as practicing charity to others when we can. Sometimes friction may come from people’s past experiences, or past hurts. We can be patient, and not take all disagreements personally. We might need just a little more patience (and love!) than we thought. Be a social space Lastly, a church community can provide regular ways to connect beyond the worship services. Most of our churches already have many social events. But one thing to consider is the length of time it actually takes to make new, real friendships. This has been characterized as the 3-6 rule (three meaningful interactions with someone within six months), or as the 11-3-6 rule, described by Madeline Dore as “eleven different three-hour-long encounters, over the course of six months or so, to turn an acquaintance into an actual friend.” How many of our social events provide this level of connection for integrating new members or new friends into our circles? This is a pretty high commitment when you think about it! Of course, it's not all on the Church itself to provide this, but a community can certainly think about whether it is making these kinds of deeper connections easier or harder to establish, as well as whether the current social events are easy for those on the fringes to be involved with (the singles, for example, or the elderly). Inviting someone to your house once every couple of months might not address the loneliness in their heart if that’s the only social interaction they’re getting. We need to find the will to build communities again, or strengthen the ones we do have. In a world where social ties are crumbling all around us, this is more important than ever. But building community requires optimism, which is in short supply right now. It’s hard to build when we feel anxious about the future, vulnerable to threats, and divided. There’s a fear that what we build might not last. But the Church has faced worse times before. And it was always by clinging to each other– and God – that we came through the storms. CONCLUSION If you’re lonely, I’ve been there. I know life can feel like it has a gaping hole in it if you're on your own. I know the comfort faith can bring while still feeling the intense longing for the presence of a human being beside you. I know how even the enjoyable things in life can feel pale when you don’t have anyone to share them with. The Church is a community of broken people stumbling as we journey to heaven. We fail so often at providing the needed support to each other, we fail at being real and vulnerable with each other, and giving each other what will support us as we grow in faith. By making some small suggestions for where to start, I hope our Christian communities can see ways to open themselves up to the need around them and begin to heal the pain of living in a sinful world. The first step is recognizing and understanding the problem. From there, we can all grow as individuals and as the Church to become the kind of community that draws others in, simply because of the warmth and belonging that exists inside it....

Being the Church

Advice for young women … from A to Z

The late teens and early twenties are an exciting time for young women, but with so many opportunities to be considered, and big decisions to be made, they can also be unsettling. How can young women live wisely now? How can they best prepare for their future when that future may feel very unknown? As I discussed these questions with family members one Sunday afternoon, I was intrigued by my relatives’ different thoughts and perspectives. And I wondered what kinds of responses I’d get if I extended the same questions to a wider group of Reformed women. So I asked for thoughts from the women in my own congregation, and also reached out to colleagues, friends, and extended family members near and far, some of whom then shared or discussed these questions with others. I asked things like, If you could go back in time, what advice would you give your 20-year-old self? Are there things you’re glad you did at that age, or wish you’d done differently? In the end I received responses from a broad cross-section of Reformed women of different ages and life experiences – and on a wonderful variety of topics. What came through beautifully, again and again, was the reality of God’s Fatherly hand in their lives – guiding, teaching, sustaining – and the wisdom they’d gleaned from lifetimes of studying and applying God’s Word. What follows is an A-to-Z collection of advice and encouragement that these women wanted to share with their young sisters in Christ, on everything from inner beauty to good habits, relationships to prayer. ASPIRATIONS “Choose your occupation with your heart in mind. A job may pay well but may not be what you are looking for. Family businesses are great, but may not be where you want to be.” “Now I look back and wish I had thought more about what I would love to do as a job and getting paid for what I love to do.” BEAUTY “Measure your beauty not in pounds or compliments (which fluctuate, fade and are false) but through small acts like smiles and joyful eyes, through kind words and becoming humble and quiet in spirit. These are what make a woman beautiful, for beauty is found within.” “A beautiful heart rooted in God is more beautiful and lasting than a beautiful body.” COURAGE “Have courage to do difficult things and to grow as an adult – such as moving away from your parents. It is incredible what growth awaits – and how much you realize the extent of love and care your parents provided!” “Be open-minded. Go explore and travel and make friends instead of always doing what's easy or comfortable.” “Needing to do things out of your comfort zone is a life-long reality, so start practicing now. At middle age, I still often need to take a deep breath before I make that phone call or strike up that conversation. Difficult things are often necessary and also worthwhile, so be brave!” DATING “When looking for a boyfriend/husband, keep doing the things you love to do and keep running the race for Jesus. As you are running this race, you will (hopefully) look beside you and see that someone is also running the same race and has the same priorities and goals.” “I was once told about a father who said this to his children: ‘When entering the dating scene and seeking a life partner, find someone who loves Jesus more than he/she loves you.’ Very wise words for generations to come.” “Romance is exciting but one cannot be hopelessly in love and also wise. So become wise first in knowing who you are through God's eyes, how He loves and cares for you, before you enter into any relationship. If you have a solid relationship with the Lord, a beautiful relationship can be nourished with another human being.” “Be obedient to and focused on God first before 'looking for' a husband, and make sure the potential Mr. Right is doing the same.” “It’s far better to be single than to be with the wrong person (especially someone who isn’t truly a spiritual ‘soulmate’). Don’t settle!” “There is not a perfect age to get married. Don’t set an age goal to be married by. Be content with God’s timing. If you are waiting to meet that special person in your life, perhaps to settle down with and hopefully start a family together, remember that should not be your main goal in life. Some marry in their 30s, 40s, 50s and even for the first time in their 60s. Some missed the opportunity to have children because they married later in life; some were not blessed with children no matter what age they married at. But their marriages are still blessed with the love they have for each other and the time they can devote to extended family, church family, community and kingdom opportunities. Some never marry and are quite content with their single life which gives them other opportunities to serve. (Think of the Apostle Paul). Seek God’s will for your life. Pray for God’s guidance. Be content.” EDUCATION “Develop the talents that God has given – you have them for a reason. Getting some training now will give you options down the road. Whether it’s an academic degree or practical training, if you have the opportunity, take it!” “Some people love to learn and continue to do so. There are so many expectations around this now, though. If you find a job you love, it's not always about continuing your education. You can learn as you go! On the flip side, with the cost of living now, we highly encourage our girls to seek jobs that may allow them to work from home or have flexible hours as they may need to help support their family.” “If you have college plans, try to avoid student debt! Apply for bursaries; work part-time (consider taking fewer courses per semester, even if it takes you an extra year to finish); and commit to living frugally. (That can be hard when all your friends are working and have money to go out, but think long-term!)” “When I was heading into my twenties, part of the reason I chose the nursing program was that while I hoped to get married and have a family, I didn't actually know if and when that would happen, so I wanted to prepare for the possibility of being single for a long time or for life. It seemed like an interesting and worthwhile career, and I knew I would earn enough to support myself. Even though I didn't actually do that career for very long, I don't feel it was wasted or have any regrets. The years I spent at university and the four years I spent as an RN were valuable ones for me, helping me grow in many ways. I was also able to be a blessing for numerous people in those years through that job. I think I would follow the same line of thinking if I had to do it again.” “I didn’t know if my degree (English and creative writing) would lead to a career, but I was prepared to do something else for my job and do my writing on the side if needed, so it still seemed worthwhile. I was able to live at home during college, work part-time, and avoid debt, which was also a factor; it wouldn’t have felt responsible or stewardly to go deeply into debt for an uncertain outcome. You have to think all these things through, and find that right balance of being practical while still pursuing what’s important to you. So be wise, but don’t be too quick to dismiss a dream either!” “Even if you are in a serious relationship, I would recommend still getting some education as you will never regret it. I never did finish my degree, and always wish I had as it's so much harder to do when you are older.” “If at all possible, I’d encourage women to get a post-secondary education, whether that be a degree, diploma or a trade. There may come a time you will need to supplement your husband’s income or you may not get married or you may marry much later in life. An education often gives you an opportunity to work in a field that you love and enjoy before, after or during the child-rearing stage in life.” FAMILY “Maintain a good relationship with your parents, as they are the ones who love you, and want what is best for you. They have the wisdom of life experience. They are not ‘old-fashioned.’” “Spend time with your grandparents. Ask them questions about their younger lives.” “If God blesses you with children, plan to make the job of nurturing and teaching your children a priority. From personal experience, I have no regrets being a stay-at-home mom. When we had our first child, we considered the cost of me going back to work (childcare, transportation, clothes, convenient meals) and concluded it really wasn’t financially worth the added stress and busyness it would add to our lives. Plus, I wanted to be the main influencer in our children’s upbringing.” GOOD HABITS “Eat breakfast!” “Be at home by 10:30. Asleep by 11.” “Cultivate the habits that will keep you healthy – physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally. Moving toward independence means you (not your parents) are responsible for you not skipping breakfast… or Bible study.” HELP “It is ok to not be ok. Seek help, accept offered help, and take it to the Lord in prayer.” “‘Keeping up appearances’ – We’re all tempted to do it, and there’s even a British sitcom with that title! Be real! Be genuine! Be honest. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Ask for help and guidance if you need it.” “Life is hard. Accept this and work through the challenges. Ask for help when you need it (so many struggle in silence). And remember, God will carry you through.” “What comes easy to one, may not to another. Help out where you can. It's okay to say NO to things now and then, you don't have to do everything.” IDENTITY “Consider your identity! First and foremost you are a child of God! Your identity is in Christ. So often we are introduced as so-and-so’s wife, the daughter of _____ & _____, or so-and-so’s mom. Growing spiritually and closer to God in every season of our life is key to all our other relationships. Focus on the vertical relationship with God first and then horizontally with all other relationships.” JOY “The world promises happiness and pleasure and excitement without God, but don’t be fooled. True joy comes in living with Him and for Him.” KINDNESS “Be thoughtful, be kind. Don’t just focus on yourself. Everyone you meet is struggling with something; everyone could use a smile or a kind word.” LIVING WELL NOW “Don't wait for your life to ‘really start’ once you graduate, or start working, or get married, or have children. Those are all exciting prospects. But our God is sovereign and has a purpose for our lives exactly where He has placed us in this moment. Consider how you can live as a daughter of God right here and now. Don't put your life on pause until everything is perfect. It never will be until the New Creation. But God does great work with us, despite our imperfection and our imperfect circumstances. And in so doing, all the more glory goes to Him.” “Pray continually for God to guide your steps and then do the work He has before you, in whatever capacity that is, whether you are busy developing a career, a relationship, or raising children. The Lord is shaping your heart, your character, and the talents you have. Honor Him by not continually looking at the future, but instead put your hand to the task at hand and trust that God will answer your prayer and guide and direct your life.” “Work on your character, and daily habits. Continually seek God in prayer. He loves you, and you are very worthy to Him, and He will grant you all things you need.” MONEY “Give joyfully what is rightfully the Lord's when it comes to tithing.” “Make relationships, not stuff your priority. Don’t bemoan what you can’t afford; take pleasure and be content with what the Lord has blessed you with.” “Save your money when you are young, and don't waste it on frivolous things. Don't focus on materialistic things, or things that don't really matter.” “Simply put, live within your means. Never look at the ‘minimum balance’ on a credit card; always pay it in full. If you can’t pay your credit card then you can’t afford what you put on there.” “With finances, I used to make sure bills were paid before I would write my check for church (giving back to God), and there was always a shortfall. Only when the first fruits were given to the Lord, followed by bill payments, groceries, etc., it was then that there seemed to be a little extra at the end of the month.” “Practice good stewardship with finances but also with your time, talents, possessions…. All belong to Him. It’s good to re-evaluate how we are doing as stewards.” NOURISHING YOUR BODY, MIND & SOUL “Be deliberate about the media (music, movies, books, online content) you ingest; these things affect you more than you realize. Choose options that are good for your mind and soul. Philippians 4:8: ‘Whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.’” “One thing I wished I had done differently was pursued sports or a hobby or done something more often with friends. After I married, my husband’s job entailed many long hours, often leaving me at home to deal with children on my own for breakfast, lunch, dinner and bedtime. Even more time was spent away when he served as an elder. In hindsight, we should have discussed how we could have carved out some time for me to exercise and socialize.” OPPORTUNITIES “Now is the time in your life when you have energy, you are generally not too ‘tied down’ by commitments – so take advantage of this time! It’s a season with its own unique blessings from God, so accept and use these blessings to His glory. When you look back, you won’t regret taking the chance to go on that mission trip, explore/develop a talent He’s given you, or take opportunities to stretch yourself and grow!” “I did not always have the job I loved. I would have put some more thought to it, now looking back. I did learn that eventually when I would be looking for work and all the ads would want experience, during interviews I would say that I would never get any experience if no employer would take a chance on me, and ask them to allow me to learn the job and guarantee them that I was eager, willing, trustworthy, and would rarely take a day off. You have to learn to communicate the attributes of your personality and strong will to learn to achieve the goal of getting the job. It has worked for me for getting a number of jobs over the years.” PRAYER “Pray, pray, pray. I started praying in the car when driving and I found it remarkable how much I would be able to pray about in that 15-20 minute time of quiet in the car, just me and the Lord. I still do it!” “After profession of faith, your faith will be tested. Be on your guard. Stand firm, read your Bible daily, make prayer your first point of action in the day, and your last at night. Go to Him in everything.” “Ask for the Holy Spirit to work in your heart, and to direct your steps. He will open and close doors throughout your young adult life, so don't be too distracted by non-stop outside entertainment, such as movies, scrolling on social media, etc.” “Do your devotions earlier in the day, even when you’re busy. It’s a way of trustingly giving God the ‘first fruits’ of your time. I struggle with this, especially when I have a lot to do, but it’s a much better way to start my day.” QUESTIONS “As you mature, you should be finding yourself asking fewer ‘How can I get…” questions, and more ‘How can I give/help/serve’ ones.” “You don't have to have everything for your life figured out – you have more time than you think and things tend to fall into place.” RELATIONSHIPS “Surround yourself with people who will hold you accountable and challenge you. There was a (thankfully very short) time in my life where my group of friends and I went to bars/clubs. It took a good friend to call me out on this, and I'm so thankful she did.” “When you are having a girls’ night, challenge yourselves to not gossip. Make a pact before the evening starts that no one will gossip, and call each other out if someone does.” “Spend time alone, as well as with your friends/family, and talk about deep and meaningful things sometimes too, not only shallow talk, or gossip.” “Your spouse (if you marry) should be your friend, but not your only friend. Christian friends, for both you and your spouse, are treasures along life’s journey. Some will be in your life for only a season; others may be lifelong friends. Take time to nurture friendships, whether you are single or in a romantic relationship.” STRESS “A super helpful thing for me during the middle of the day or during a stressful moment is to take three deep, slow breaths and thank God for something(s). It helps me relax, acknowledge I’m not alone in anything, and that while my ‘problem’ may be important it's not the most important thing in the grand scheme of it all.” “Don’t add stress by expecting perfection from yourself. Not everything has to be done absolutely perfectly every time. You are not God who alone makes all things perfect.” “Give yourself grace as you would others.” TRUST “As I reflect at this age, I realize that in my journey with all of its highs and lows, God was leading me. My God sought to strengthen me in my faith and trust Him in all things, whether that be hardship, sorrow, happiness or joy.” “Times of waiting and uncertainty are hard, but God can use them to build patience and trust. Don’t get discouraged!” “We don't always see the tougher roads on life's journey as a lesson from the Lord until much later in life, as age brings with it reflection on one's life. I wish I would have had the strong faith I now have as an 18-year-old. But then I think of how all the mountains and valleys traversed throughout my life strengthened my trust and faith in the Lord.” “Be content and enjoy each stage that you are in! Doors open to new roles and opportunities throughout life! When I was at home with my young kiddos I was busy – with being a mom and volunteering for church/school. I enjoyed it (most days! :) ). I didn't have much education so didn't know what would come ‘next.’ I could never have predicted the wonderful new tasks that the Lord has opened up for me for the stage I am in now. Looking back I see that many of the skills I have now are from my role as a stay-at-home mom. I am now called to tasks that would not have been right for me years ago. Trust God and His calling, timing and leading in your life!” “Above all, always trust the Lord. He has your life in His hands and will not lead you astray. You will be tested over and over on your life's journey; the devil works overtime seeking the souls of those committed to God. Be wary of the pitfalls. Always ‘let go and let God.’” “Our Oma would often say, ‘What the Lord does is good.’ She would say that in good times and hard times, and I still find myself saying it as well no matter the situation.” “Be confident in the Lord. I went through a period in my dating years where I was just so unsure. I did pray a lot but didn’t quite trust the ways in which the Lord was leading me. It took a few years to be filled with that certainty. But those years, as well, ended up being so beneficial. Think of what the Lord wants for His children, who He is and how He wants to be served. It can be easy to focus on ourselves so much that we forget the big picture.” UNIQUENESS “Base your self-esteem on your worth in God’s eyes. The world prizes certain traits over others, and sometimes we wish we were more outgoing or capable or attractive, but God didn’t make a mistake when He made unique you! He will use you and work for your good and the good of others, even through your weaknesses.” VALUE “Don’t undervalue the role of wife and mother! Society tells us that we should focus on personal fulfillment, and that children are a burden that stop us from doing more ‘important’ things, but God tells us the opposite.” WALKING WITH GOD “Spend time in the Word every day.” “Think more eternally. Remember Who you belong to, and act with the promise and call of your baptism in mind.” “Always continue to read and learn, especially your Bible, and be devoted to a close relationship with God, as He directs your life.” “Pray always, sing praises all day long. Never be reserved about being a Christian and sharing the message of salvation.” YOUTH “As someone wiser than me has said, ‘Remember your Creator in the days of your youth’!” ZEAL “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart.”...

Being the Church

...but I have a couch

Rosaria Butterfield's The Gospel Comes With A House Key came highly recommended, and after reading it I understand why. Rosaria is honest and insightful. She shares examples of hospitality gleaned from her own experiences, from feeding popsicles to the neighborhood children, to squeezing as many people as possible into their home on a snowy Sabbath when church was canceled. It seems that there are extra people in the Butterfield home so often that they expect to see non-family members at their dinner table and regularly make too-large meals to accommodate the guests. Upon finishing the book I felt inspired to be more hospitable, to invite all my neighbors over for chili and Bible reading. So I put down the book and looked up – up at the small kitchen/living room of my one-bedroom apartment, and my heart sank because there's no way I could fit fifty people into my home, and this truth became incredibly clear: I cannot do hospitality like the Butterfields. So what do you do, when you feel convicted and inspired to obey God but you just don't know how to do it? You pray. Well, I prayed, and as I sat on my couch, asking God how to do hospitality for Him, a new concept came to me. There is a reason I cannot do hospitality like the Butterfields. God has not put me in a house with a husband and given me the occupation of a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom. He has put me by myself in a one-bedroom apartment with a schedule that requires me to work at least two evenings a week. In short, I can't do hospitality like the Butterfields because I'm not a Butterfield. But God's command to be hospitable does not say "be hospitable like the Butterfields" (nor does Rosaria say that in her book) but simply "show hospitality" (1 Peter 4:9). The question we all have to answer is how? Perhaps the most helpful and practical thing to do is to look around and recognize what you have, and then be intentional about using what you do have to obey God. For example, I don't have a large space, but I do have a couch. So, I now invite women to come share a pot of tea and sit on my couch and talk. That couch is just an ordinary, everyday thing, but it has become a tool to enhance the Kingdom of God. If it could talk it would tell you stories that would make you weep and laugh and weep again. When we take the daily things God has given us and deliberately use them to serve Him, they cease being plain objects and start being tools consecrated to generate heavenly treasures. We get intimidated by hospitality thinking that it has to be big and fancy. It doesn't. It can be as simple as Oreo cookies and water, along with ears that listen. It can involve folding laundry and making soup, along with ears that listen. It can be shown around a campfire in your backyard or on your front patio or around your kitchen table or sitting on the floor…with ears that listen. People don’t care much where you are or what you serve them, as long as you prove yourself to be a safe person that they can share their lives with. Sharing life usually doesn't happen over the first cup of coffee, but it's a beginning, and we'll never get anywhere if we don't start. Hospitality requires you to be intentional and loving and available, and it needs to be shown to fellow saints and neighbors and the least. Jesus showed hospitality by making people sit on the grass and by divvying up five loaves and two fish among them (Luke 9:10-17). His first concern wasn't physical comfort or meeting social expectations, but to show people the Father. By His Spirit, may we follow His example and bring the living Savior to our dying world....

Being the Church

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“good” vs. good

Our political leaders think they know what’s best for us. But by what standard are they judging what’s good? ***** Why should Christians part...

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Being the Church

God wants young men to be brave, not crazy

Bravery, like most things in life, is learned. To develop it, one must practice. However, it is the very rare young man who wants to practice being brave. Many will be eager to prove that they are already brave, which is why young men do crazy, dangerous, reckless things – to prove to themselves and others that they have no fear. So they drive motorcycles too fast, and drive cars too fast, and drive motorized vehicles of various other sorts and sizes too fast. But this isn't brave. Brave and reckless both involve confronting danger, but there is a difference. The brave man confronts danger because he must, or because he should. There is a reason to do it: a damsel to be defended, a child to be saved, a principle to be upheld. Brave is daring all because it will honor God. A reckless young man risks life and limb for no reason at all. It's courageous vs. crazy. And no matter how many times a young man might do wild dangerous things, it won't help him learn how to be brave. Bravery has a purpose to it, and to develop bravery a young man must confront danger with the right aim in mind. This is bravery So how can a young man practice being brave? By doing brave things for the right reasons. God wants us take risks, so long as they are the right sort. He wants us defending what is true, and beautiful, no matter the opposition. So a young man can practice being brave by asking out that godly girl he's always been interested in. She might say no, and that is quite a danger to face. But she might say yes, and that's reason enough to risk it. He can tell his friends he isn't going to go drinking with them this weekend, but that if they want to come over they can shoot hoops. Or go rollerblading. Or watch the game together. Or watch the game and then at halftime play an epic match of rollerblade basketball (being brave can involve some creativity too). Proposing ideas risks having them shot down and labeled "lame." That could happen, because being brave doesn't mean everything will go your way. A brave man understands that failure is possible, and sometimes even likely. He knows there might be a cost. But he also knows that his peers' wrath doesn't compare to God's pleasure. A young man could also practice bravery by wearing an explicitly Christian shirt on his secular campus. This is provocative, but not foolhardy. Some students and professors are sure to hate it, but other Christians will be encouraged to learn they aren't alone on campus after all. Maybe he could volunteer as a firefighter. I know two young men who are ready to put their lives on the line for a very good reason indeed: to save the lives of others. And a young man who wants to grow and develop his bravery could volunteer at a public pro-life event. In recent years dozens of young men have been among those setting up massive pro-life flag displays across Canada. They know abortion is an issue that gets some people angry, yelling, and hysterical. It takes courage to be involved. But they understand this is important. They are ready to risk anger to advocate for the defenseless. Conclusion We want our young men to learn how to be brave, but we don't want them to be reckless with the life and limbs God has given them. So to foster their bravery let's encourage our young men to do dangerous, risky, important things. A version of this article first appeared in the October 2014 issue...

Being the Church

Quotes on the single life

Singles are not second "…the nuclear family should not be the center of church life. Rather, the family of God is the center…. It is the church (not married people) that provides a home where all of us find the stability and rootedness that we need." – Peter and Ginger Wallace, “The Church and Singles” in New Horizons, Jan. 2016 "…in the covenant community of God there are no singles. God calls us family: brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers in Christ. We are each to be wonderfully connected to the other as part of a church community, where each person is needed and attached to others in her own family as well as to the broader church family." – Nancy Wilson, Why isn’t a pretty girl like you married? …and other useful comments "The Bible is clear that singleness is not a second-rate status in the church (1 Corinthians 7:8), and it provides several compelling portraits of singles (Paul, Mary, Martha, Lazarus, Lydia, and possibly John the Baptist and even Timothy.)" – Carolyn McCulley "…the Bible refers to Ruth as a virtuous woman (Ruth 3:11) with the same Hebrew phrase used in Proverbs 31. Two uses of the same Hebrew phrase give us data points so that we can better understand the term. We can examine the narrative around these data points and use it to draw conclusions. I totally changed how I thought about Proverbs 31 after seeing the data (for you left-brainers) and story (for you right-brainers) of the virtuous woman of Ruth. Once you see that Ruth was known as a virtuous woman when she was a barren widow from a foreign land, we understand that our ability to be a virtuous woman doesn't depend on a husband and children…" – Wendy Alsup, “A Post Mortem on A Year of Biblical Womanhood” posted to TheologyForWomen.org on Jan. 26, 2016 On seeking a spouse "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." – C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves "If you want God to provide you with a husband, you have to consider whether you are the kind of woman that the kind of man you want to marry would want to marry. Shall I go over that again? What kind of woman is that kind of man looking for? Are you that kind of woman?" – Nancy Wilson, Why isn’t a pretty girl like you married? …and other useful comments "One of the dangers with male/female friendships is that more often than not, one of the two wants something more from the relationship. In the end, usually either a heart is broken or, at the very least, the person with the crush is wasting time not looking elsewhere. If you are holding on to a long-term friendship in hopes that one day it will magically turn to love, you are lying to yourself. The chances that your friend will wake up one day and see you in a totally different and romantic light are miniscule. Save yourself the heartache. Keep friendship with the same sex and save the opposite sex for love." – Hayley & Michael DiMarco, Marriable Men, are you taking the servant-leader role (Ephesians 5:25) in the relationship right from the beginning? In any guy-girl dynamic, someone has to be the first to say "I like you" and with that comes the very real risk of being the only one to say it. When that happens, it stings. Are you willing to stick your neck out for this woman? Are you willing to risk looking the fool, so she doesn’t have to? Or are you waiting for her to take the lead and ask you out? – Jon Dykstra, “Marriable Men” in Reformed Perspective, Dec. 2012 One means… "Marriage is a means, not an end. It is one of the means God uses to glorify His name among us, but it is not His only means." – Nancy Wilson, Why isn’t a pretty girl like you married? …and other useful comments Jesus never had sex "The most fully human person who has ever lived, or ever will live, is Jesus Christ, and He never once had sexual intercourse. This can be powerfully liberating to single people who may think at times, “This is one thing I will never have, sexual relations, and in not having it I will not be all I was meant to be.” To this thought Jesus, the virgin, says, “A student is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher” (Luke 6:40). We will always have mountains of truly human Christ-likeness yet to climb, but sexual intercourse is not one of them. For He never knew it. And He is infinitely whole." – John Piper, Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, Foreword xix. Singleness has its own challenges "I was almost thirty-four when I got married, so I know something of the loneliness of adult single life. And even after marriage I struggled with discontentment at our son’s soccer or basketball games because I was at least ten years older than the other parents around me…. I do want you to know that if you struggle with discontentment, I’m right there with you. Whatever situation tempts us to be discontent, and however severe it may be, we need to recognize that discontentment is sin. That statement may surprise many readers. We are so used to responding to difficult circumstances with anxiety, frustration, or discontentment that we consider them normal reactions to the varying vicissitudes of life….When we fail to recognize these responses to our circumstances as sin, we are responding no differently from unbelievers who never factor God into their situations." – Jerry Bridges, Respectable Sins "There is nothing in the world wrong with wanting to be married. It is only wrong to be miserable about it. And wanting to be married does not equal discontent. Many women are feeling false guilt about this." – Nancy Wilson, Why isn’t a pretty girl like you married? …and other useful comments "The apostle Paul, who himself was single, provides encouragement for the unmarried by noting that he himself had to learn the secret of contentment (Phil. 4:11). Paul was not born content, nor was his discontentment eradicated at conversion…. How then did Paul learn this contentment? Like his Lord, he learned contentment through the things he suffered (Heb. 5:8). The apostle admits to the Corinthians that while under Satanic attack, he prayed three times for deliverance. Yet the Lord denied his requests and told him, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor. 12:8–9). Singleness may be one of those afflictions tailored to you, but his grace is perfected in your weakness. The single Christian who suffers weakness through unrealized marital aspirations and the disappointments of unanswered prayer may yet find grace at work through the unhappiness." – A. Boyd Miller IV, “Contentment in Singleness” in the January 2016 issue of New Horizons "Avoid trading marital distractions for other distractions. Paul may have been right about our freedom from spousal concerns, but in an iPhone, iPad, iPod, whatever iWant world, single people never have trouble finding their share of diversions. In fact, if you’re like me, you crave diversion and tend to default there, whether it’s SportsCenter, Downton Abbey, working out, fancy eating, endless blogging and blog reading, surveying social media, or conquering the latest game. We might call it resting, but too often it looks, smells, and sounds a lot like we’re wasting our singleness." – Marshall Segal, "Single, Satisfied and Sent" "A discontented woman is also very vulnerable when it comes to receiving attention from men that she knows full well are wrong for her. She rationalizes….she will be more likely to consider someone who will maker her far unhappier than she is now." – Nancy Wilson, Why isn’t a pretty girl like you married? …and other useful comments "To quote another , 'The main difference (between singles and married folk) is a heightened risk of loneliness, and heightened temptation to self-absorption, leading to selfishness.' The cure for both of these is hospitality and incorporation: being invited to participate in everyday life, and being expected to contribute to everyday life – in the church and in particular families in the church.” – Peter and Ginger Wallace, “The Church and Singles” in the January 2016 issue of New Horizons Singleness has its own opportunities "I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs – how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world – how he can please his wife – and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world – how she can please her husband." – 1 Cor. 7:32-34 "I was single when I was senior pastor of a church on the west coast of Canada, and there were all kinds of advantages to that. There were some disadvantages too. But there were some wonderful advantages in terms of the hours I put in, evening visitation, calls when I could get people at home. So there are advantages to being single in the ministry, and singleness should not be despised." – D.A. Carson "Look for ways to serve in the church....What are some ways that you can serve because you are single?" – Peter and Ginger Wallace, “The Church and Singles” in the January 2016 issue of New Horizons "Say “yes” to the spontaneous. It’s just a fact, marriage murders spontaneity — not entirely, but massively. If you haven’t learned this yet, I doubt any of your spontaneous friends are married. One of your greatest spiritual gifts as a single person is your “yes.” Yes to a random phone conversation. Yes to coffee. Yes to help with the move. Yes to stepping in when someone’s sick. Yes to a late-night movie or the special event downtown. You have the unbelievable freedom to say “yes” when married people can’t even ask the question. When the spouse doesn’t exist, you can’t hurt them with your selfless, impulsive decisions. Be willing to say “yes!” and bless others, even when you don’t always feel like it." – Marshall Segal, "Single, Satisfied and Sent"...

Being the Church

A more generous ministry of mercy?

The Lord loves his church and gave her the gift of the ministry of mercy. But is this blessed ministry as active as it can or should be within the communion of saints? Let’s consider the following scenarios and the possibilities they present. 1. After a miscarriage A sister has had a miscarriage or stillborn child. Initial visits by the elder and/or minister have taken place. There is concern that it will take some significant time before the sister will have the energy and emotional strength to take on the regular management of the household. The husband has a good paying job so doesn’t think to ask the deacons for help. A few sisters have dropped off meals, and this has been a godsend. Nevertheless, laundry is piling up, the kids are not bathed, the house is not getting cleaned. The sister knows that this is not the way it should be, but that only makes her feel more guilty and incapable of taking next steps. Her husband has tried to take on more responsibilities, but now he is also starting to feel overwhelmed and is afraid of coming across as insensitive. They need more help! Do the deacons know that there is a problem? Maybe not, but perhaps it should be expected that they inquire again two or three weeks after the loss of the child, to see how things are going. If the deacons were to follow up with the brother and sister, and to inquire how things are going, they might find that while there isn’t any help need financially, the family does need to experience the love of the communion of saints in other tangible ways. 2. In the face of cancer A brother has been diagnosed with cancer. He is sixty years old. The news is shared with the congregation and the minister/elder come to make a visit. After the initial shock is over, the couple decides that it is best that they move out of their large home and into a smaller place. They have children all over the country but who here in town can help them move? Members of the congregation can get together, but the deacons can also take a lead here. They can ensure that this couple, under their care, has the physical help they need. And, of course, the deacons will want to ensure this couple has adequate financial means after the cancer diagnosis led to the brother’s necessary decision to stop working. 3. An unplanned trip A brother in Ontario has a father deathly ill in British Columbia. The deacons or close friends in the congregation know that this family does not have a lot of financial resources. The brother takes his wife and three children to BC to make a visit. He can afford this trip because he has a line of credit, and feels such a trip justifies the expense. Who would disagree? This brother would not be likely to ask for assistance from the deacons because he has a full-time job. But might it be good if the deacons (or other church members) made a visit? Could they, or other members, inquire as to the cost and conceivably gift the family with a signed cheque to help cover some of these unexpected costs? Was this family in dire straits? No. Could they use the help? Absolutely! **** I am sure we can come up with a plethora of other examples in which the minister of mercy, led by the deacons, can be administered within congregational life. Nevertheless, let’s return to the question we began with: is this blessed ministry as active as it can or should be within the communion of saints? My hope is that this article causes all of us to reflect on God’s Word to determine the answer to the question: Is the ministry of mercy equipping all the saints to live in the joy of being redeemed? Loving and caring as God does I strongly recommend Dr. Van Dam’s book “The Deacon” available at Amazon and elsewhere. The New Testament church of our Lord Jesus Christ is blessed to have a formal ministry of mercy as ministered by men serving in the office of deacon. As Dr. C. Van Dam notes in The Deacon: Biblical Foundations for Today’s Ministry of Mercy, seven men were originally chosen in Acts 6 with the task “to see to it that there were no needy so that everyone could rejoice and celebrate the salvation and freedom given in Christ.” As the number of followers was increasing, there seemed to arise a tension between the Hellenists (Greek-speaking Jews) and Hebrews because the Hellenist widows were being neglected in the daily distribution. In order to ensure that the ministry of the Word was not hindered, brothers were appointed to an additional office to begin exercising the ministry of mercy. These men were “set before the apostles, and they prayed and laid their hands on them” (Acts 6:6). And so the ministry of mercy is initiated. How does this office function today? In the first place, this ministry of mercy proceeds from the love of our God and Saviour. While he was on earth, Christ fed the hungry, healed the sick, and showed compassion to the afflicted. And while the formal ministry of mercy was not initiated in the Old Testament, the loving covenant God provided numerous laws to ensure that the poor and afflicted were cared for in generous ways (e.g., gleaning, labor, and marriage laws). God loves and cares for his people. That is a consistent characteristic of our covenant God throughout scripture. In Matthew 26:34-40, Christ teaches that on judgment day: “the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’” “The Form for Ordination of Elders and Deacons” used in many continental Reformed churches summarizes Matthew 26 with the conviction that “no one in the congregation of Christ may live uncomforted under the pressure of sickness, loneliness, and poverty.” Living uncomforted is not an option for the Christian community; rather, we should be living in the joy and comfort of our freedom in Christ. And so, the Form explains, it is for the sake of this service of love, that Christ has given deacons to his church. Diaconal work is made possible by the congregation sharing their resources, monetary and other gifts, with these office-bearers, for distribution in one’s home congregation and beyond. Sharing resources is rooted in our love for each other. We love each other because Christ first loved us. Scripture also teaches that God loves a cheerful giver (2 Cor. 9:7). And it remains an important principle that collections are done in such a way that members can give in secret, without sounding the trumpet and making a public show of their generosity (Matt 6:1-4). When we give generously, there is no need for brothers and sisters in the Lord to experience the burden of poverty or the suffering of want. Not waiting to be asked However, while there is no need for poverty and suffering of want in Christ’s church, for some of us, it is a challenge to ask for help, especially financial help. When we lose our job, become seriously ill, or struggle with frailty, we are often not prepared to ask for help. In The Deacon, Dr. Van Dam suggests (insists) that deacons should be visiting the members under their care in order “to give those he visits the opportunity to feel comfortable with him.” The idea is to build mutual trust. The deacons can learn a lot about family life when they make a visit, and can quickly learn to trust a member in their ward when they have the courage and humility to ask for help. Likewise, when a member trusts the deacon, confident that neither an audit or interrogation will take place, he can ask for help without shame or fear. In addition to building this trust, deacons can also ascertain “whether church members have any needs, financial or otherwise, that are not being met… ideally can see or anticipate needs and offer to help rather than waiting for those in need to come to them.” Love is the greatest command within the congregation of Christ. We love, because he first loved us. It remains important that office-bearers practice servant-leadership as they serve the congregation in which they are appointed. Love requires a servant’s attitude. This means that when they hear someone has lost their job, deacons make a visit and offer help; when a member is diagnosed with a serious illness, deacons should make a visit; when a baby is born and requires a lengthy stay in the hospital, the deacons should ensure the parents have sufficient kinds of help during that challenging time. Deacons do not wait to be asked for help, they need to take the initiative to offer help to the members. Deacons need help too At the same time, deacons do not always know when there are needs. Communication is a two-way street, and the members can also take initiative. When we lose our jobs, we confess that this is under God’s providence. There is no shame in asking the communion of saints for help. This can be done by asking members directly, if a solid relationship of trust has already been established. There is no rule that suggests that members should not help each other directly, rather it should be encouraged. Nevertheless, the ministry of mercy is there to provide for the financial and physical needs of those in need. A relationship with deacons helps members ask for such assistance. The ministry of mercy is a gift – it bears repeating. Do we make good use of this gift? And, yes, like all good gifts, we can abuse them, but let’s leave that for another article. Let’s first commit to making good use of this godly gift of our Lord for His children. For more on the ministry of mercy, be sure to check out the episode below of the Focal Point podcast where Dr. Chris deBoer, along with special guest Dr. Cornelis Van Dam, discuss the why, what, how, and where of the Church's ministry of mercy. ...

Being the Church

Improving the elders' home visits

It is October and as “home visit season” ramps up, my thoughts turn to how home visits are being conducted and whether our methods serve well to accomplish the purpose of the visit. I believe that elders visiting members in their homes is biblically based and has for long stretches of church history been implemented to the good of the church. However, are they today as effective as they could be? In Reformed churches of Dutch descent we have our customs in the way such visits are conducted, but are these truly “best practices”? A typical home visit What exactly are our customs? Well, in my own denomination, the Canadian and American Reformed Churches, most homes see the elders once per year in the annual home visit. Elders duly prepare themselves for this visit by studying a passage of Scripture and praying for the family. Many godly and sincere elders have thus entered numerous homes with every intent to build up and bless. And no doubt the Lord has used their efforts to bless his people (including me and my family) and yet I can’t help feeling that, despite the best of intentions, something is off kilter with our practice. A typical home visit goes something like this: two elders enter the home and are invited to sit with the family. Small talk follows for a few minutes. Then one elder clears his throat to “open” the home visit with prayer and Bible reading. An air of formality fills the room and the family falls quiet. The passage chosen could be out of the blue or, as is often the case, the Bible reading is connected to the “home visit theme” adopted by the consistory and perhaps preached on by the minister. That theme could be centred on one of the ten commandments, a petition of the Lord’s prayer, worship, Christian lifestyle, living membership in the church, or the like. The lead elder then begins to expound on this theme out of the Bible passage and starts directing questions to the children and parents about either the passage’s meaning or how it might apply to that person’s life. The bulk of the visit is spent conversing about this Bible passage (and/or chosen theme) and how the family works out this biblical teaching in practice. Toward the end of the visit the elders may or may not ask more general questions of the kids and parents, but time-wise the thrust of the visit is spent explaining and applying the teaching of a particular Bible passage to that household. While discussing a Bible passage can certainly be beneficial, I ask myself: is this the purpose of a home visit? For elders to enter and teach? To the family it can feel like they’re being tested on their knowledge on the Bible passage in question. When a theme is chosen, members and families are often asked to read the passage in advance and “prepare for the home visit.” Again I ask: is this the intention of a home visit? To have a mini Bible-study on a passage and ascertain how well parents and children understand and apply that particular passage (or theme) in their lives? And if a passage is “sprung” on the family and questions are asked of them, it can be a very intimidating experience for children and parents alike. It seems to me that we are missing something significant in this approach to home visits. The purpose of home visits As churches and as elders we have made a promise to make home visits. That promise, captured in Article 22 of our Church Order, summarizes the purpose of such visits as well: “The specific duties of the office of elder are... to faithfully visit the members of the congregation in their homes to comfort, instruct, and admonish them with the Word of God.” There are three verbs here: comfort, instruct, and admonish. From the above description it would seem that elders have the second verb in the forefront of their mind and so they come prepared to instruct. In itself this is commendable. Scripture tells us that elders should be “able to teach” and should indeed “be able to give instruction in sound doctrine” (1 Tim 3:2; Titus 1:9). And no doubt many families have learned and benefitted from what elders have taught. But should that teaching be “out of the blue” or with little understanding of the particular circumstances and needs of the family (or individual)? That’s where I think the way we conduct our home visits has gotten out of focus and become imbalanced. Elders enter the home focussed on conveying a scriptural message, intent on teaching and applying the doctrine of the passage they’ve been intensely studying on their own, without having first listened carefully to what’s going on in the home. While gentle admonitions and words of correction might come out of the teaching passage, almost forgotten by the elders on a home visit is the duty to “comfort.” That shows that something is out of whack. There’s been a largely one-way period of instruction on a pre-chosen topic instead of a careful application of God’s Word to the specific circumstances of the family. All of this, I’ve observed, often creates an unintended disconnect. After an hour dialogue with the family about the passage where the kids and adults could gamely answer questions and make comments, the elders come away with a favourable impression. In the car they comment to each other: “that went well, don’t you think?” But meanwhile, in the home, the kids feel as if they’ve been in school for an hour and the parents feel frustrated that the elders didn’t inquire more personally into each family member’s walk with the Lord. The elders may have a good feeling that the family is on a solid footing in the faith but the family feels like the elders hardly know them and don’t “get” them. Maybe the worst of it is that those visited fail to see how God’s Word speaks into the concrete reality of their day-to-day lives. We need to fix this. Listening Here is where the art of listening and seeking to understand needs to find a fresh place in our thinking as elders. Though the Church Order does not mention the need to “listen,” it is clearly implied in the duty to “comfort, instruct, and admonish.” How can elders comfort a member or a family if they don’t first know what difficulty or misery they may be experiencing? Of course, every person as a sinner experiences the general misery of sin and its consequences, but almost always individuals or families are feeling the effects of sin in very particular ways. They have their own troubles and for the elders to bring comfort to that household they must first take the time to ask about and understand those troubles. It is the same with admonitions. To admonish is to gently give reproof or words of correction to someone who’s acting, thinking, or speaking in an unbiblical way. How can elders correct a member unless they know if, how, and where he is going astray? In a conversation on a single Bible passage or theme, a certain limited area needing correction may come out, but there is so much to life and so many possible areas needing correction that a wide-ranging conversation (more than one even!) is needed before meaningful admonition can be brought. If the Bible passage is too much in the spotlight of the annual home visit, much of the family’s personal views and practices may remain in the shadows, unseen by the elders. Elders need to bring those out of the shadows by asking good questions in order to get a clear picture of a person and/or a family. Of course, it’s not to be an interrogation like with police officers but it ought to be a caring inquiry like that of a concerned father, who truly wants to help his son to stay on or find his way back to the pathway of life. Teaching or instructing by elders in the home, too, is meant to come on the heels of listening. Certainly, members are instructed (and admonished and comforted) in a general way from the pulpit by the preaching of the Word. Although the Holy Spirit definitely applies the preaching to individual lives in personal (and often surprising!) ways, the minister can’t single out a particular family or individual and their needs from the pulpit. But elders can when they enter someone’s home. That’s one of the privileges elders have, to bring God’s Word into the specific, individual lives of the members they visit. That means they must come to know these sheep very well, up close and personal, so they can skillfully apply God’s Word to the particular needs of the household. It seems to me that too often elders are replicating what the minster does from the pulpit: they enter the home and the first thing they do is give a mini “sermon” on a passage with some pointed questions to the family. That’s like prescribing a certain medicine for a person without knowing the extent of his ailment or his overall condition. Wouldn’t it be far better if elders first took time to listen to all that’s going on in the lives of the parents and children and then came with the instruction, encouragement, comfort, and admonition of God’s Word? Wouldn’t that be establishing a genuine pastoral connection between elders and members that would be profitable for members and under-shepherds alike, upbuilding for the church, and glorifying to the Lord? A revised approach To bring this about I would suggest two things. First, elders make it a point to get to know the individuals and families in their ward as soon as possible after they are appointed to office. One home visit per year is hardly sufficient to get acquainted beyond the surface of things. Elders normally come into office in the spring. Home visits start in the fall. Why not use the summer months to drop in for a more casual acquaintance visit? Consider hosting a social for those under your direct care. You might think: that’s a lot of extra work! Yes, it is. But it’s the Lord’s work and it’s good and beneficial. Besides, it doesn’t have to be a huge burden. Elders generally oversee a ward in pairs, so the two partners could divide the ward in halves with each taking responsibility to getting to know one half over the summer months. A casual visit to become acquainted plus regular chats in the church parking lot will do a lot to establish both a bond and a base level of understanding of the person/family. That will set up the home visit to be a time of deeper connection and thus more genuinely helpful for the household. The second thing I would suggest is that elders re-order the flow of a home visit and change the focus of the visit. Instead of the customary: prayer Bible reading instruction conversation/listening prayer …which focuses on teaching a pre-conceived lesson, why not try: prayer conversation/listening Bible reading instruction/application prayer …which focuses on understanding the family’s needs in order to aptly apply God’s Word to their situation. Remember that neither Scripture nor the confessions nor the Church Order prescribe the order or manner of home visits. It is left to us to apply the principle of God’s Word (i.e. shepherds caring for the sheep) to the situation. As far as I can see, it would be a great improvement to the effectiveness of home visits if elders began with a brief prayer for the Lord to bless the visit with openness, honesty, a willingness to share what’s in the heart along with a good understanding for the elders and the ability to bring God’s word beneficially for the family. Indeed this is something those visited should pray for in advance as well – the ability to be vulnerable with the elders and for the elders to give wise counsel from the Word of God. The next and larger part of the visit would be spent inquiring about the family’s daily life and their walk with the Lord, listening carefully to their struggles and joys, to what really lives in their hearts and home. Equipped with an understanding of where the person/family is really at, the elders could then open God’s Word to apply its teaching directly to their realities. The concluding prayer can then bring to the Lord the details of thanksgiving/praise and needs that were raised in the visit (drawing in also what came out of the Scripture passage). In this way the individual/family will experience that Christ’s appointed shepherds have understood them well, genuinely care for them, and are using God’s Word to help them grow closer to the Lord. In this way Scripture (and prayer) can more truly and fully be used to comfort, instruct, and admonish members for their good and the glory of God’s name. Too difficult? At this point an elder might say: but I can’t think that fast on my feet! Every household is different. How am I supposed to have a Bible passage that I can quickly pull out that will speak to the particulars of a given family? I realize this may sound daunting but it’s not as bad as it seems. Even if an elder only prepared one text thoroughly in advance, he would be better able to apply it meaningfully to the people after hearing what lives in their home than if he read it before all of that was discussed. However, many elders already have the habit of selecting two or three passages to use at home visits throughout the season. They study them so they know them well enough to use as needed. This allows both variety and flexibility to use a certain passage in a home where they have an inkling it will better fit than another passage. Elders can simply build on this approach. Even if a home visit theme is selected by consistory (and I’m not sold on the idea that this is the best way to go), experienced elders know that they need to be flexible and that the theme just doesn’t work in some situations. I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch if an elder would work in advance to be very familiar with five distinct passages, each with its own accent. One passage could highlight the comfort we have in Christ as forgiven sinners; another the ability that Christ works in us to lead holy lives and his calling to do so; another could be the glorious future the Lord is preparing for us; still another could be a reflection on the love, power, and grace of God (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit); a fifth could deal with our task as living members of the church. After listening and grasping the nature of a person’s (or family’s) situation, the elder could mentally select one of his five passages, read it, and go to work applying its message to them specifically. Elders should not feel intimidated by this, as if selecting a text to match the needs of the visit is beyond their capability. Not so. I have always found it amazing how so many Bible passages can be applied in a variety of circumstances and do good to God’s people. His word is living and powerful. It always has something to say to those who belong to him. When elders, prayerfully relying on the Spirit of Christ, seek to bring his Word to meet the needs of his people, they will be blessed in doing so. The voice of the Good Shepherd will be heard by the sheep and they will be fed and led by him to continue walking in his way. In this way the home visit may be revitalized and experienced by all as a blessing from the Lord. Rev. Peter Holtvlüwer is pastor of the Ancaster Canadian Reformed Church and editor of the 4-volume commentary "Christ's Psalms, our Psalms." This article first appeared in Clarion, Issue 16 (Vol. 69) under the title "Improving home visits" and is reprinted here with permission....

Being the Church

Singleness: on being active and included in the body of Christ

Being the Church

The Christian job description

When I was a young seminary student, I had to read an extensive commentary by a Dutch theologian. I had never studied Dutch writing before, and I real...

Being the Church

Maintaining the motivation of elders and deacons

https://youtu.be/Oj29rx4ELFs The following is a rough transcript of Rev. Moesker's 45-minute presentation above. **** I've been asked to speak he...

Being the Church

On being a Titus 2 young woman

Older women train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive ...

Being the Church

Older women have much to give

Our church has a sizable number of older women. Why? What task would the Lord give these sisters in His church? Like the older men, the older women of the congregation are a God-given resource for building up the congregation. This is what Paul draws out in his instruction in Titus 2:3-4a when Titus is told to ensure that: “older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or addicted to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women…” Who is Paul talking to? The term "older women" directs our thoughts to those sisters in our midst who have been around more years than many others. By virtue of the time they’ve already spent in God’s school-of-life, they have the life experience to be able to touch others in a helpful manner. We do not know whether the “older women” Paul speaks about on Crete were married, single or widowed. Undoubtedly, as with us, some were married, while others were single – be it that they had never married or were now widowed. In any case, Paul does not speak here about the “older woman’s” role in relation to a husband; he speaks instead about their role as “teachers.” So it’s this role we need to draw out now. A teaching role The Lord God in the beginning created two people, a man and a woman, to image Him, and He gave them the command to “be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over” all creatures (Genesis 1:28). God’s intent was that the earth would be filled with people who, in the way they interacted together and cared for God’s world, would reflect what God was like. Yet the children to be born would not know from instinct how to image God; they would need to be taught. This was, of course, the parents’ task, with Eve as mother to play a central role. The longer Eve spent in the school of life, the better she would get to know God – and so the better equipped she’d be to teach those who came after her what service to God ought to look like. This task would, of course, be true not just for her, but also for her daughters in the coming generations. Older women, wizened by years in God’s service, have a vital role to play for the benefit of those less schooled in life. The fall into sin complicated the task profoundly, but did not alter God’s intent for the older women. It’s no surprise, then, to find Miriam teaching the women of Israel. She’s Moses’ older sister (cf. Exodus 2:7), and Moses was 80 years old when the Lord sent him to Egypt to deliver His people (Exodus 7:7). With the exodus now behind them, Miriam led the women with tambourines and dancing to sing the Lord’s praise on account of His redeeming work (Exodus 15:20f). Similarly, the “excellent wife” of Proverbs 31 “opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue” (vs. 26). And in the New Testament we read of Anna at 84 years of age speaking readily of the newborn Savior “to all who were waiting for the redemption of Jerusalem” (Luke 2:36ff). Examples such as this form the foundation upon which Paul builds his instruction to Titus concerning what needs to be done to build up church life on Crete. Titus must ensure that “older women… teach what is good” – an instruction fully in line with God’s earlier revelation. Yet to be effective in teaching, these older sisters need particular behavior, ie, they need to walk the walk before they can credibly talk the talk. So Paul tells Titus to ensure that the older women are “to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine.” "Reverent in behavior" The term translated as “reverent in behavior” is literally: “in behavior befitting a temple.” It’s a formulation full of gospel, and hence of grateful obligation. The Lord God had told His people at Mt Sinai to build a house for Him, so He could dwell with them. The tabernacle Israel built had the Holy of Holies in the back and the people outside, with the altar for sacrifices in between. The altar spoke of the work Jesus Christ was going to do; He’d sacrifice Himself on the cross to atone for our sins so that sinners might be reconciled to God. Years later Christ Jesus actually did come to pay for sin, and triumphed too; the curtain preventing access to the presence of God in the Holy of Holies was torn at the moment of His death (Mt 27:51). After His ascension into heaven, Christ poured out His Holy Spirit so that in Him God might dwell in sinners’ hearts. The result is that Paul can say that believers are temples of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 3:16; 6:19). That was a reality that was also true for the saints of Crete, including the older women. That’s the force of Titus 2:11: “For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men.” It’s obvious that if you are a temple you need to live a lifestyle befitting that status. That’s what Paul wants Titus to impress on the older women; they are to act the part. Of course, others of the congregation are to act the part too, but Paul is now concerned specifically that the older women be what they are, because God has entrusted a teaching role to them. What does that look like? What might a lifestyle “befitting a temple” look like? Here I need to refer to Leviticus 10. As you’ll notice from what follows, themes from Leviticus 10 come back repeatedly in Paul’s instruction in Titus 2:3. The book of Leviticus assumes the completion of the tabernacle God wanted Israel to build. The first 7 chapters detail how the sacrifices on that altar-between-God-and-the-people had to be done, while Leviticus 8 explains who had to perform the sacrifices on that altar. Chapter 9 describes the ordination of the priests, and then ends with Aaron blessing the Israelites and the glory of the Lord appearing to the people. What an exciting day: God and sinners living together in harmony – something of Paradise is restored! And then the sons of Aaron got caught up in the excitement of the moment – so says Leviticus 10 – and in their enthusiasm they volunteered a sacrifice on that altar. Bam: “fire come out from before the Lord and consumed them, and they died before the Lord” (vs. 2). How tragic! And the lesson is clear: God is holy. Somehow, spontaneous sacrifice was behavior not “befitting the temple.” Now that the Holy Spirit has been poured out on Pentecost, the point is even truer for New Testament temples. The older women, teachers (and hence models) that they are, need to adopt behavior “befitting a temple,” that is to say that in their service of God they are to be even more particular & careful than the priests of Leviticus 10 (and hence of the Old Testament). For God remains God! That’s why can Paul can work out in Titus 2:12 what this looks like. “The grace of God that brings salvation has appeared” and it “teaches us to say ‘No’ to ungodliness and worldly passions” – including the inner urge to serve God in a self-chosen way. Instead, our identity as "temples" teaches us – Paul continues - “to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age.” That "teaching" happens through the example of the older women – and Paul is happy to flesh that out in further detail still. "Not slanderers" Paul follows the instruction to live in a fashion “befitting a temple” with the command “not to be slanderers.” The word translated here as "slanderers" is actually the same word that appears repeatedly in the Bible as the name of the Devil, Diabolos, a word that describes the notion of sowing confusion. Slander does exactly that to someone’s reputation, and so is evil and ungodly. The older women of Titus’ congregations were to avoid it. One wonders, though, why Paul feels the need to tell Titus to teach the women not to slander. Were the Cretan ladies excessively guilty of this evil? The fact that “Cretans are always liars, evil brutes, lazy gluttons” (as Paul affirmed in 1:12) leaves room for that understanding. Yet I suspect that more is involved here. In Leviticus 10 the Lord God responded to Aaron’s sons’ spontaneous worship with heavenly fire and death. One could understand if Aaron was tempted to respond to God’s deed with some serious criticism of God’s high standards. Moses, however, reminded Aaron of God’s holiness, with the result being that “Aaron remained silent” (Leviticus 10:3). He did not slander God’s good name despite the anguish he undoubtedly felt at the death of his boys, nor did he sow confusion among the people about what kind of a God they had. Since God had come to live among the people in the tabernacle, the people needed to conduct themselves as persons “befitting the temple” – and by his remaining silent, not slandering, Aaron exemplified precisely that sort of behavior. The older women of Crete, now, were to adopt behavior befitting a temple. Part and parcel of that behavior was that they would not slander God’s good name, be it through their own misconduct or through giving someone else occasion to think or speak evil of God. In fact, their words were always to be inspiration for others to think highly of God and of His deeds in our daily lives, and so to praise Him. "Not addicted to much wine" Wine (and it’s true of all alcoholic drink) is a gift from God. God told Adam and Eve on the day of their creation that, “I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth…” (Genesis 1:29). God also told them that they were to “rule over” all creation (Genesis 1:28) – and that obviously means that they were to see to it that no created thing ruled over them. To be ruled by alcohol, then, is sin. That’s true in terms of addiction, and is true too when one is "under the influence." Hence the Bible’s repeated instruction to use wine in moderation (cf. Prov 23:19-21; 1 Tim 5:23). The older women of Crete were to take this Biblical instruction to heart. Again, though, one wonders why Paul would mention this matter to Titus. Did the older women of Crete have a problem with alcohol? That “Cretans are… lazy gluttons” (1:12) could suggest it was so. But again, Leviticus 10 sheds some other light on the matter. For after the bodies of Aaron’s two dead sons were carried away from the tabernacle, “the Lord said to Aaron, ‘You and your sons are not to drink wine or other fermented drink whenever you go into the Tent of Meeting” (vs. 8f). As the priests labored at the altar in God’s presence, they should be clear-headed and in full control of their faculties; God, after all, was holy. Given that the older women of Crete – teachers as they were to be - were to behave in a manner befitting temples, it follows that nothing should becloud their judgment; they should always be clear-headed. "Teach what is good" Good judgment, of course, is what one requires if one is to “teach what is good” and so “train the younger women” (2:3,4). We’ve already drawn out that the Lord assigned a teaching role to the women, with its focus on the coming generations. Strikingly, though, this again is an echo of Leviticus 10. For after the Lord had forbidden Aaron and his sons to “drink wine… whenever you go into the Tent of Meeting,” the Lord added this instruction: "You must distinguish between the holy and the common, between the unclean and the clean, and you must teach the Israelites all the decrees the Lord has given them through Moses" (Leviticus 10:10,11). In chapters 11-15 the Lord expanded on clean and unclean foods, animals, fish, clothes, houses, etc. The point of the instruction was that Israel was to know that they were holy, and therefore different from the nations; they were to tolerate no sin in their lives. This point required teaching, and that task fell to the priests as they labored in the tabernacle – and they, for the sake of teaching clearly, had to be alcohol free. Again, the priests were to “teach the Israelites all the decrees the Lord had given,” and that includes instruction about all the main points of doctrine as the Lord taught it through the laws. This teaching function belonged to the priest. But Paul in Titus 2 harks back to Leviticus 10 to undergird how the “older women” are to teach. Their conduct is to be consistent with the Christians’ identity as temples of the Holy Spirit, they are not to slander God’s works and words, and they are to be consistently clear-minded as they join Titus in teaching the younger women the implications of the faith. Let no one misunderstand. Paul is not saying – and I am not either - that the older women are to receive a place of leadership in the church. The Holy Spirit moved the apostle elsewhere to write, “I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent” (1 Timothy 2:12). Yet Paul would not have women pushed into a corner as if they have no role in the congregation! Very deliberately Paul uses language in Titus 2:3 that is borrowed from Leviticus 10, about the priests’ role as teachers, and applies that instruction to the older women. As Paul seeks to build up church life in Crete, he would have the older women play a vital role! Yet that vital role is not directed to the congregation in its entirety, but is directed to the younger women of the flock. These younger women also have a critical role to play but Titus can’t reach them so easily. So, in relation to these younger women, the older have that position of teaching – as a clear echo of God’s intent in Genesis 1. Value Paul would not have the older women of Crete – or of today - cloistered in some seniors’ club, or perhaps forever away on a cruise. He sees the women playing a vital role in the growth of the congregation. These sisters – they’ve spent years in God’s school of life - are a rich resource in the church of Crete, for the congregation’s edification. The same is true today. The Lord God has left a goodly number of older women in the congregation. Why? Because God says that we need them! There are so many younger women in the congregation, from mothers of busy households to mothers of small households to sisters with yet no children or even no husband yet. These younger women are, by God’s ordinance, helpers to (today’s and) tomorrow’s office bearers, school board members, businessmen and fathers; these young women are also mothers to the next generation of church leaders. Obviously, these young women play a pivotal role in the church life. That is why they need all the guidance, encouragement and help they can get. By God’s ordinance, it is the role of “the older women” to give that help. The older are under divine obligation to speak with their daughters (in-law), their children’s friends, and other “young” sisters of congregation. Certainly, women’s society is one forum where that conversation can happen. But be honest: when the older sisters were younger years ago, they didn’t commonly open up on life’s real burdens to a virtual stranger, let alone in a public meeting. Asking for help takes privacy, and the openness that comes with familiarity. Point: let the older sisters get into the homes of the younger; nothing beats a coffee together. Instead of lamenting how younger mothers struggle to cope with the challenge of keeping their children under control, invite a couple of these mothers over for a visit (ah, yes, let the husbands join the ladies…), and share some nuggets on childrearing as you’ve learned it over the years. Encouragement Older sisters: the Lord God has not put you out to pasture! On the contrary, you have received the Holy Spirit in full measure. Pentecost is reality: “Even on my servants, both men and women, I will pour out my Spirit in those days, and they will prophesy” (Acts 2:38). In the confidence that the Lord gives a task and equips to carry it out, search for ways to touch the younger of the congregation. So you can “still bear fruit in old age… proclaiming, 'The Lord is upright; He is my Rock'” (Ps 92:14f). Rev. Bouwman is a minister for the Canadian Reformed Church of Smithville, Ontario. This article first appeared in the January 2013 issue. ...

Being the Church

Older men still have a job to do

Faithful children of God may look forward to sharing Jesus’ glory in the presence of the Father. “To live is Christ; to die is gain.” Why, then, does the Lord God not take people home to Himself as soon as they become empty nesters or, perhaps, when their spouse dies? Why does He let the older become old? The question is important, if only because there are numerous older men in the churches who feel they have no task to do, are out to pasture. In this article we will consider Paul’s instruction concerning the “older men” as he words it to Titus 2:2: “Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance.” To give you the punch line right away, God keeps older men on earth because He uses them to build up His church. Men are not women God created two genders in the beginning, but did not make them at the same time. He first made a man, and placed him in the Garden with the command to work it and take care of it (Genesis 2:15). He was, in other words, responsible, and commissioned to take initiative in fulfilling his duties before God. The Lord saw that it was not good for the man to be alone, and so made a “helper” (Genesis 2:18) to be with him. In the relation between the man and the woman in Paradise, he was the leader and she was not; she was the helper and he was not. So when God came to the Adam and Eve after their fall into sin, he sought out the man: “where are you?” (Genesis 3:9). Similarly, when the Lord sought to call a family from Ur to go the land of promise, He did not call Sarah to take her husband and leave her mother’s household, but He summoned Abram to take his wife and leave his father’s household (Genesis 12:1). The point is that the man is, by God’s ordinance, the leader in family and society. As leader, the man invariably gives leadership, whether active or passive, where positive or negative. When Paul, then, tells Titus what to teach the older men, he’s instructing him in relation to that part of the human race commissioned to take responsibility and give leadership. How we view older men The men Titus must teach are "older." The term "older" is, of course, relative, and really depends on how old Titus is and perhaps depends too on the average age of the congregation where Titus ministered. Paul uses the same word to describe himself when he was some 60 years old (Philemon 9). Irrespective, though, of what age one wishes to peg to the term "older," the term certainly describes a person who has been around the block a few times. The "older" have, in other words, spent years in the school of life and so are in a position to show others how to do life. Now, our Canadian culture says that “older men” deserve the opportunity to kick back, enjoy life and play with the toys they’ve accumulated. But beneath this seemingly generous attitude is the thought that the older men are actually out of touch, can’t keep up with the fast pace of the younger, and are beyond their "use by" date, so they should be retired from any leadership roles. There is an echo of this thought in the church, to the effect that the older men (are made to) feel passed by and even uncertain about their purpose. The result is that they retreat into their seniors’ circle... and become an untapped resource. Their role This was not the intent of the Lord God. He created the first man (and woman) in His image, and gave the command to “be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over...” (Genesis 1:27f). Children born in Paradise, however, would not know by instinct how to rule over God’s world in a way that imaged God; the older generation was to teach the younger how to do this. Of course, the longer Adam lived, the better He’d know what God was like, and so the better equipped he’d be to teach coming generations how to “rule over” God’s creatures in a way pleasing to God. Clearly, as the God-appointed leader, the responsibility to train those after him was primarily Adam’s. The fall into sin obviously complicated the task enormously. But it didn’t change the expectations God had for Adam as he grew older, or for the subsequent generations of older men. So God told Moses that He poured the plagues on Egypt “that you may tell your children and grandchildren how I dealt harshly with the Egyptians... that you may know that I am the Lord” (Exodus 10:2). Moses, we need to know, was more than 80 years old (see Exodus 7:7) at the time God gave him this instruction. Talk about the role of “the older men”! Fully in line with this command is the prayer of the psalmist: “Even when I’m old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come” (Psalm 71:18). Because of this God-assigned role of the aged, the Lord commanded the youth of Israel to respect the seniors (and not just the grandparents). As an older man approached them, the youth were to “rise” and “show respect for the elderly” (Leviticus 19:32). Here was recognition that the older have learned so much in God’s school-of-life and were a reservoir of experience and wisdom for the younger to tap into. Sadly, not all older men speak only wisdom. Job’s three senior friends spoke the language of fools in their reprimands to Job (cf Job 42:7; 32:6ff). Solomon advised older folk not to say, “Why were the old days better than these?” (Ecclesiastes 7:10). Young people live in the present (not the past), and in the challenges God gives today they need encouragement – and not the signal that today is too hard. Older men, in other words, need to make it their business to be careful how they analyze the present in relation to the past; their analysis requires ongoing Bible study and thought. All this Old Testament material comes along in Paul’s instruction to Titus. For the benefit of the churches of Crete, Paul draws out the implication of the role God has assigned to the “older men.” Given that role, Paul says these older men are to be:: temperate worthy of respect self-controlled 1. Temperate The term “temperate” in Titus 2:2 translates a word that appears elsewhere as “sober” or “sober-minded.” The term is often used in relation to drink and so becomes instruction in being moderate in how much you drink. Yet Paul’s point is not that older men are simply to exercise moderation in drinking. Rather, in all of life one is to be moderate, not indulgent, not extravagant, not into excess or glut. Herein the “older men” of the church would contrast with the typical attitude of the Cretans around them, who were “always... lazy gluttons” (Titus 1:12). What, though, is wrong with excess? Why must Titus make a point of telling older men to be moderate? Older men (should) have learned the truth of Solomon’s words in Ecclesiastes 2, when he tried all sorts of excess in his attempt to make sense of life. As many young men do, Solomon sought fulfillment in wine, houses, gardens, women, song, parties, and more. But the more he tried, the more he realized that things do not lift us out of the thorns and thistles of a life outside Paradise. His conclusion was this: “when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind” (Ecclesiastes 2:11). That was the advantage of older age: Solomon could tell the younger of his realm that he’d been there, done that... and they should take instruction from him and not repeat his futile search. This is the message Titus was to instruct older men to convey to the younger. Those older men had been around the block, had tested the value of more and more stuff, and so were in a position to vouch for the truth of Ecclesiastes 2. These “older men” have “fought the good fight,” “have finished the race” (2 Tim 4:7), and now await the summons of the Lord to enter the presence of their Father. So their lifestyle was to model that life is not about food, property, looks, degrees, music, chocolate, gin or women. Instead, their lifestyle should reflect the delightful fact that “the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared” (Titus 2:11); Christ has come to redeem sinners, take away the cause of our eternal hunger and misery, and through His self-emptying on the cross restored sinners to Paradise. Since that’s so, one needs to be consistent and say “no” to ungodliness and worldly passions (2:12), “no” to more toys, more drink, more "buzz," etc, and live instead “godly and upright lives in the present age, while we wait for the... glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ” (2:13). When a "temperate" lifestyle is in place, a man will be moderate in his demand for food and drink, for wealth and holiday. “Older men” have learned through the school of life to get their priorities right, so that their emphasis lies on service to the neighbor, a service that reflects God’s love for us in Jesus Christ. 2. Worthy of respect Titus is also to instruct “older men” to carry themselves in a dignified manner. Again, the point is not so hard to grasp. Older men have buried parents, and perhaps also a spouse or a child. They have been through war, sickness, fire, flood, drought and more – and so learned through the hard knocks of life that life is not a joke. They’ve learned that trials come from God as so many divine teaching moments whereby the heavenly Father would train us in the school of life for further service and to be more fruitful for His glory. Older men (ought to) know this, and so take God’s reality seriously in the hard knocks of life; always the question presses on their minds: what is God teaching me through this? No, this does not make the older boring or gloomy (as if life is not enjoyable). On the contrary, living every step of life in the awareness that you live every moment in God’s school makes life exciting and fun. Older men model this awareness – for the benefit of the rest of congregation. That’s the sort of leadership they are to give. 3. Self-controlled Finally, Titus must tell “older men” to be disciplined. They, after all, ought to have learned how to get the passions and instincts of youth under control. As a result, they act less out of impulse, with decisions more thought through. They’ve learned to live life sensibly, seriously, and so with fitting restraint. So their lives displays good health (not necessarily in body but) “in faith, in love and in endurance…” The same need today This, then, is what Titus was to encourage the older men to exemplify among the Christians of Crete. But the sort of lifestyle this behavior encouraged, contrasted with the excess that Cretans typically celebrated. Recall again Paul’s summary of what Cretans were like: “Cretans are always liars, evil brutes, lazy gluttons” (Titus 1:12). We can imagine the “lazy gluttons” of the island; we know the type: shrunken biceps and ample waistline assembled in the coffee shops and beer parlors, talking about the latest horse race, hockey game, cruise, property deal, woman. How thoroughly North American; truly, there is nothing new under the sun. The new Christians of Crete were raised in that culture, and remained greatly influenced by what was accepted around them. How tempting, then, to adopt the same attitude; “eat, drink, and be merry...” Hence Paul’s instruction to Titus: since older men are by God’s ordinance to be leaders, instruct them to be temperate to be examples for the women and younger men to follow. This, Paul figures, is necessary to build up congregational life (1:5a). Value The Lord has prepared a glorious future for His (older) children, yet leaves older brothers on this earth for a purpose; they remain here to be examples for rest of congregation. So, older men, take up the task with confidence! You’ve been through the school of life, and so know that neither things nor pleasures give fulfillment, salvation, or purpose; by faith you know that Jesus Christ has restored us to God. That being so, model the gospel for the benefit of the rest of the congregation: be moderate, dignified, self-controlled in a manner that the younger of the flock can see. This is the service to which you remain called, until such time as God Himself relieves you and gives you the crown of glory. Conclusion There is definitely so very much in the congregation for which we may be thankful. That includes the large number of older brothers in our midst. They are here, by God’s providence, for a reason. My conviction is that they are under-utilized. No, I’m not thinking now of consistory work; it may be that the Lord is no longer calling the (much) older brothers to this task anymore. I’m thinking instead of how the older, without exception, have a role to play in relation to the younger. Let the older men take their mentorship role seriously, being deeply aware that God leaves them in this life in order that they might model the gospel for the benefit of the younger and even seek out the younger to speak to them of the works of the Lord as they experienced them over the years. It’s a privileged fact: the younger need your leadership, example, and instruction. Recall Psalm 92:14f “...the righteous...will still bear fruit in old age...proclaiming, ‘The Lord is upright; He is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in Him’” Healthy church life needs the continued involvement of the older men. Rev. Bouwman is a minister for the Canadian Reformed Church of Smithville, Ontario. This article was first appeared in the December 2012 issue....

Being the Church

Laughter in the pews

My mother has a wise saying, one of many I might add, that if you go to church faithfully, you'll experience lots of interesting things. And she wasn't even talking about the sermons. She was referring to those unexpected events during the church service, things that shock or surprise us, or may even move us to fits of giggles or tears of laughter. I suppose each of us will have a favorite story to tell. And for some reason, things seem excruciatingly funny just when we're trying to be the most solemn. The smart shopper This tale happened on a Sunday morning late one January. The matronly Mrs. de Member (not her real name) sailed confidently up the aisle with a row of children in tow. This was a normal weekly occurrence. However, this Sunday the confidence was sadly misplaced. Mrs. de Member, no doubt in the busyness of getting half a dozen children church-ready, had forgotten to do a final check on herself. Perhaps her husband had already tooted firmly on the Suburban's horn, to remind his family that it really was time to go. After all, he did not want to be the last one in the consistory room, again. The brothers were not always gentle in their ribbing. Yes, if Mrs. de Member had done that final mirror check, she certainly would have noticed the sales tag that was now flapping and twirling from the back collar of her brand new winter coat. The offending stub informed all the curious that Mrs. de Member was a most frugal shopper. Apparently, she had waited until the price had been reduced, not once, not twice, but three times to less than fifty percent of the original! As she and her family settled into their pew, a couple of irreverent young rascals in the bench behind her snickered. Their mother signaled vigorously to shush them. Of course, no one was brave enough to draw Mrs. de Member's attention to the advertisement, and certainly no one had thought to bring a pair of scissors, to perhaps unobtrusively snip off the wayward tag. By the end of the service, everyone within reading distance knew the price down to the penny, including GST. Mrs. de Member was not in church in the afternoon. One of the little ones had apparently developed a bad cold over the lunch hour. Alone in the pews Church attendance with one's unpredictable progeny can be a challenging, and often humbling experience. Training the young ones to sit still and listen takes weeks even months. With some more recalcitrant offspring, years. (Some never learn, but move effortlessly from embarrassing their long-suffering parents to annoying the vigilant elders, who keep a hawk's eye on the socializing teens on the balcony.) In any event, the Sunday eventually arrives when a young Dad and Mom, let's call them Jim and Jenny, feel confident enough to attend the Lord's Supper, together. After having sternly warned their young ones to behave and having left a generous supply of peppermints with the eldest to be doled out at the appropriate moment, Jim and Jenny march resolutely up the aisle to the table. The minister greets them with a smile, and they take their seats, facing him. The minister speaks, the participants listen, the bread is passed, participants chew gently and swallow unobtrusively. All is quiet in the pews. The minister speaks once more, lifts the silver carafe high and the sparkling red liquid pours in a glittering stream into one of four silver goblets. He speaks the familiar words. He passes a goblet to his right, then one to his left. At that precise moment, a shrill little voice pierces the stillness. "Amy, give me a peppermint! Mommy said we could have a peppermint when the minister poured the wine!" A titter of barely suppressed laughter ripples through the pews. Here and there a Mom and Dad give each other a knowing wink and a sympathetic nudge. Remember what it was like? Jenny rubs her nose nervously, as a red flush creeps slowly up her neck and suffuses her face. Jim rummages in his trouser pockets, retrieves a pristine white handkerchief, and surreptitiously wipes his unexpectedly perspiring brow. How did it get so hot in here, all of a sudden? Thankfully, no further audible altercations ensue. Amy must have doled out the peppermints according to plan. The wine goblet, dutifully sipped from by all, has made its way around the table, and been returned to its place in front of the minister. All are attentive to the brief meditation. The organ begins the strains of a familiar psalm. The congregation joins in. The music fades, wafting gently upward to the rafters. The minister stands and nods. The participants rise and turn toward their pews. Jim and Jenny come down the aisle, eyes averted, shoulders rigid. Quickly they find their seats. And then again that high-pitched, persistent voice. "Mommy, Amy didn't give us any peppermints, but I said she had to, 'cause you told her to." "I know dear," Jenny whispers, placing her fore finger firmly over little Jimmy's lips. "Sh-h-h! You can tell me about it later." Congregational lore Two stories. There are many more. There was the time the minister lifted the lid off the baptismal font, only to find there was no water. Or the time when there was not enough wine to go around. Or the time the minister almost forgot to serve the wine. There was the time when an elder hauled his misbehaving daughter up front to sit in the elders' bench with him. The poor minister was so taken aback, he attempted a few more sentences, and then pronounced a speedy "Amen." Grandmas have fainted. Children and even an elder reading the sermon have vomited up their breakfast and whatever else they might have eaten before church. Collection bags have been dropped; coins and candies have rolled down the aisles. Birds and bees have flown in through open windows. Conversations from consistory rooms have been overheard by whole congregations, via the minister's microphone. Bibles have dropped from balconies on unsuspecting members seated below. And the best stories become part of congregational lore. They become part of our identity and shared experience. And in a strange way, they help us to love each other better....

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