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The five Ws of funeral planning

I can think of many times I’ve answered the phone at the funeral home and the person on the other end of the line expressed a need to plan a funeral, but didn’t know where to start. They wanted to have the conversation, but did not know what questions to ask or how to begin the conversation. Hopefully, by asking and answering some basic questions I can help prompt your thoughts and ideas about end-of-life planning.

Who?

  • Funeral planning can be done by anybody. At some point in the Christian life, we are confronted with our own mortality and that gets us thinking about our exit plan.
  • Christians should give careful attention to funeral planning, since a funeral is a final witness to those left behind about what we believe and hold dear, and is an opportunity for the gospel comfort to be presented to our family and friends and leave a lasting impression. My father, a retired pastor, has said on occasion that he prefers to preach at a funeral rather than a wedding, because those in attendance at a funeral are usually listening more closely. A great question to ask yourself is, “What do I want my funeral to communicate?”
  • Funerals are for the living, so funerals must be relevant and meaningful to those left behind. Planning ahead for your own funeral may be the only time you arrange an event for everyone in your life to attend but not yourself.
  • Funeral planning is often done by the recently bereaved. Death comes sooner than expected many times, and a sudden, tragic loss can cause us to go numb, and feel like we are going through the motions in a daze. A trusted funeral director is vital to help you navigate all the decisions that need to be made and help you to stay within budget as plans are formulated.
  • Ultimately, your executor (or if there is no will, your closest kin) has legal authority to make your funeral decisions. They should be carefully selected and clearly informed of your wishes.

What?

  • Planning ahead can take many forms. It can simply be a conversation between spouses, parents and children, or friends about wishes a person may have regarding a funeral. It could also involve a conversation between a parishioner and a pastor about what text, songs and message should be incorporated into the funeral liturgy.
  • Planning ahead can also involve some more practical steps, such as purchasing cemetery interment rights, selecting a funeral home to assist your family, choosing services and other items like a casket, cemetery vault, marker or monument, and even setting aside the funds to pay for them. In many areas you can research some of this information ahead of time from a funeral home’s website to educate yourself.
  • There is typically no cost for a funeral planning consultation appointment and recording your preferences on file at a funeral home.
  • If a death has already taken place, decisions need to be made rather quickly. There could be as many as 25 or more things to decide in a short period of time about a loved one’s funeral, ranging from which funeral home should look after the arrangements to what outfit he or she should be dressed in, to who the organist or pianist should be. Choose a funeral director who you know is going to be a helpful guide through all the decisions that need to be made.

When?

  • Funeral planning should be done at your own pace. Any cemetery or funeral provider who is aggressively pursuing you or pressuring you should be avoided. Your funeral provider should provide plenty of information and choices and show a long-term commitment to your local community. Look for a referral if you are new in town.
  • Planning ahead for a funeral is often done in conjunction with retirement planning, or when a family home or other assets are sold, or when conversations about aging and end of life tend to come up naturally.
  • Funeral planning without making a will is like building a chair with only two legs. These things should be done in tandem.
  • The timing of funeral planning conversations can be difficult to navigate, especially when one party is more willing to discuss the topic than the other. But talking about it doesn’t make it happen any sooner, it only helps you to be more prepared. Maybe that sounds cliché, but there is truth to this statement, especially as we confess God’s providence in life and in death. Involving other family members, such as adult children, in the conversation can be helpful to move along in a productive way.
  • Funeral planning should be done earlier than you might think. For those who are married, funeral planning is a mutual gift that you can give to your spouse (kind of like when my wife and I signed our wills on our anniversary). It allows you to make decisions together. I have seen many surviving spouses burdened with making the final decision on all the details when nothing has been planned ahead of time. If you are single, planning ahead allows you to have some control and say over the details of your own funeral, rather than leaving everything in the hands of your executor.
  • Planning early also allows you time to consider all the options, and plan for the expenses.

Where?

  • Conversations can be shared anywhere. They can happen while on a drive, over a cup of coffee or a glass of wine, at a family gathering, or while sharing a quiet moment. Somewhere along the way you need to capture the content of the conversations and put it on paper.
  • We often sit around the family kitchen table to help people, whether for planning ahead, or when someone has died. Arrangements can also be discussed at the funeral home by appointment.

Why?

  • Planning ahead has a financial benefit, as a prepaid funeral arrangement offers guarantees and the investment of funds that protect the family from any future inflation of costs.
  • Planning is preparing. It allows you to face difficult realities with loved ones, and to say confidently that even though it will be so hard, we will be able to face death, that last enemy, standing on God’s promises, as they are boldly proclaimed to us as part of a well-planned funeral. Having those conversations ahead of time can really make all the difference and set us off in the right direction on the grief journey when the time comes to say goodbye to a loved one.

Garnet VanPopta Rick is a funeral director at Kitching, Steepe & Ludwig Funeral Home in Hamilton, Ontario. You can email him at [email protected].

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A funeral is a community event

Your presence alone can be a comfort ***** Not long ago I was directing a funeral, and the service was about to begin. The doors to the sanctuary opened to myself and the pastor, and, most importantly, the grieving widower and his family. Waiting for us were 400 guests in attendance. There was an audible gasp and fresh tears from the family, followed by a brief pause as they took in this overwhelming show of support. We walked down the aisle to the reserved pews, surrounded by a sea of compassionate faces, an earthly cloud of witnesses. I was struck by the visible comfort this community gave the family simply by showing up. Their presence was a gift I don’t think the family will ever forget. An experience like this highlights how funerals are community events. It also shows us the opportunity, and with that the responsibility, we have to be a support system. We can learn here, too, some practical ways we can care for the grieving family among us. Practical advice In our church tradition, it is typical that a family would choose to have a time of visitation prior to the funeral event. The visitation is often our first opportunity to show up for the family. This is a time where you are invited to share in the family’s burden of missing their loved one. It is a time to mourn with those who mourn, but also an opportunity to reflect on God’s faithfulness in their loved one’s life. In many ways, it is a sacred time. Maybe you have found yourself at visitation for someone with a particularly tragic circumstance surrounding their death: perhaps a child has died, or a sudden accident or illness has occurred, rocking the community and stirring your heart to express your condolences. Especially in those circumstances you may find you don’t have the right words to say. Know that first and foremost, your presence alone can be a comfort to the family member. Second, you may be at a loss for words, and that is okay. At times we don’t understand why God gives and takes away, and we can be tempted to overcompensate with our words, even though that may do more harm than good. While it may be tempting to say, “they’re in a better place” or “all in God’s timing” – even though these might be true – I find it more effective to keep things simple and say something along the lines of, “my condolences to you,” and maybe share a short memory about their loved one. If words escape you, do not be discouraged. Consider Job’s friends, who sat with him in silence for seven days and seven nights upon seeing his grief-stricken state. A grieving family needs your constancy and listening ear, not your ability to take their pain away. A visitation gathering is a visual representation of one’s community. It can be a vulnerable position for a family to receive visitors, while they are mourning and processing their grief, whatever that may look like, but it is healthy for them to see and experience that visible show of support. While your presence can provide comfort to the family, there are also benefits for the community that attends the visitation. Often times at these events, the casket is present and open for the public to pay their respects to the deceased. In this moment, we are encouraged not only to reflect on God’s faithfulness to this individual, but also His great promises to us in our mortality if we have surrendered our lives to Him. We can be reminded that when we ourselves suffer a great loss, this is the same community that will serve as a hand and foot to us in our time of need. Our gathering together becomes an illustration of something much greater and eternal! Our responsibility to the family does not necessarily stop at showing our support at the visitation. Attending the funeral also allows you the opportunity to experience the family’s memories shared in eulogies, as well as hear about God’s promises for His children through the words of Scripture read and meditated upon at the funeral service. Typically, you are also invited to share in a meal after the funeral events. Just as Jesus shared food and fellowship with many during His life leading up to His death, you are invited to break bread with the family, ensure they are nourished physically, and perhaps share stories about their loved one and offer words of encouragement for the days ahead. Mutual encouragement In my experience, I have noticed that our seniors in the community show up to visitations faithfully. I would encourage our younger generation to continue this tradition. While perhaps standing in line, or taking a night off from watching a show after work and coming to visitation instead may not sound appealing, this is a calling and responsibility we have as brothers and sisters in Christ. It is equally encouraging for the children and grandchildren of the deceased to have their friends share in their loss. Often these family members will comment to us how appreciative they were of their friends taking the time to show up for them. I remember a basketball coach being particularly moved when her whole team of grade 9 and 10 students came to the visitation for her late father. You may be thinking that these practical ways to support the family sound daunting and beyond your abilities. Perhaps you are anxious and don’t know where to begin in supporting the grieving. While I encourage you to attend the events, there are many roles behind the scenes that we witness at every funeral as well. There are individuals such as childcare providers at the church to support little ones in the grieving family, the livestream/AV technicians for the service, the individuals who make food and serve it for the reception, and the list goes one. Be encouraged then, to find your role when it comes to funerals and visitations in your congregation and your community: “As it is, there are many parts but one body” (1 Cor. 12:20). I would like to leave you with an excerpt from a prayer in Douglas Kaine McKelvey’s Every Moment Holy (Volume II). The title of this prayer is: “A Liturgy Interceding for Those Who Will Gather to Grieve for Me.” And so may the fellowship of those who assemble to grieve my passing become a sharing of sorrow’s burdens, and a celebration of your long faithfulness in my life, and still more a warm recollection of the gifts we were ever intended to be to one another. Kayla Ruggi is funeral director at Kitching, Steepe & Ludwig Funeral Home in Hamilton, Ontario. You can email her at [email protected]....