Christians are called to mourn with those who mourn. How can this be done well, when a comforter’s experiences differ vastly in type and degree from the sufferer’s? These three books can help.
Don’t Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart offers advice and perspective for the close friend or spouse of a person battling cancer or long-term pain. Someone I Know is Grieving educates all Christians in the art of comforting compassionately. And A Small Book for the Hurting Heart is a devotional for those grieving, gently pointing hurting hearts to God.
Don’t Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart:
How to relate to those who are suffering
by Kenneth C. Haugk
2004 / 154 pages
When we see someone suffering, we might tend to think of them as fragile as crystal, and see our own words as the proverbial bull let loose in the china shop. Author Kenneth Haugk explains why this is often the reality, but, thankfully, he also explains what the Bible calls us to say and do to comfort others well.
As a clinical psychologist (who is also a pastor), Haugk researched this topic for years, and also ran studies with participants who have experienced all sorts of trials. This book is reflective of what thousands of suffering people have to say on the topic. Thus, it is a great resource for anyone who is at a loss for how to serve others through trials.
The title is taken from Proverbs 25:20, and like the title indicates, this book cautions us to speak carefully when comforting others going through trials. Haugk explains that our temptation in uncomfortable or painful conversations is to encourage people to look at the bright side – whether by reminding them of their future hope, or by simply refusing to share in their sorrow. Such talk tends to alienate sufferers. While we know that only “the heart knows its own bitterness, and no man shares in his joy” (Prov. 14:10), this doesn’t excuse us from trying to be compassionate and faithful listeners. Haugk emphasizes that we share in Christ’s sufferings by weeping with those who weep (Rom. 12:15). It is a command, but it is also a privilege, because as we meet other Christians in their sorrow, we can expect to find Christ there as well!
Haugk has done a great service in bringing in so many different voices to the discussion. Unlike many resources on suffering, this book is not tied to one person’s experience of sorrow. Haugk’s goal is to catalogue and then express how many people feel during seasons of deep pain.
This book is especially meant for Christians walking alongside a friend or spouse who is experiencing grief or facing death. However, it is also a beneficial read for all Christians, since we are all called to “mourn with those who mourn” (Rom. 12:15). Haugk’s goal is to help Christians understand how their words can affect those who are suffering. The insights you gain from this book will give you confidence to face other people’s grief and walk alongside them compassionately, giving words that build up, “that it may give grace to those who hear.” (Eph 4:29).
Someone I Know is Grieving:
Caring with humility and compassion
by Edward T. Welch
2023 / 80 pages
If you’ve ever been at a loss for words when comforting a hurting soul, you are not alone. Someone I Know Is Grieving is a short book (though part of a large, 14-book “Ask the Christian Counselor” series). It was written to give direction to anyone facing the daunting task of caring and comforting a fellow Christian who is in a difficult trial or is grieving. Author Edward T. Welch is a licensed psychologist and a Biblical counselor serving at the Christian Counseling and Education Foundation (CCEF.org). His goal here is to answer this question: “What can I say to my friend who is going through a painful trial or grief?”
His short book is rather closer to a booklet, but comes complete with questions to prompt deep thinking, and blank space where you can write down your answers and reflections. Within the 65 pages of instruction, questions, and tips, you will be asked to reflect on your own experiences of pain and hurt, so as to become more equipped to empathize. Welch, of course, turns to Christ for instruction – Jesus, as our sympathizing great High Priest, understands our suffering on Earth, and it is His wisdom that equips us with the words and actions to show compassion to others.
While the first chapter considers our calling to minister to those who are grieving with compassion – it makes the case that we are all called to comfort – the rest of the book teaches us how to do this work.
We are to proceed humbly, not relying on our own gifts, but relying on the grace of the Spirit. Humility teaches us to know when to refrain from offering advice – to not assume we have all the answers – because there are some things better left unsaid. Humility also teaches us not to shirk our responsibility to comfort and care for a suffering soul. Welch reminds us that we are not God, which is both a humbling and freeing thought.
Compassion helps us to ask wise questions in an effort to know someone better and thus care for them well. True compassion ultimately points the suffering Christian to their true hope: Christ. Welch reminds the reader that you will also be encouraged as you learn more about God in the way He relates to His hurting children. And in your comforting role, Christ’s glory will be revealed to you as well, as He brings healing in His time to your friend.
While no book other than the Bible can fully counsel a hurting Christian, this small book is a powerful tool for that will leave you feeling more equipped and encouraged as you journey alongside others in their grief. The last page in the book includes recommended resources, so this is not intended to be the end-all be-all of grief counseling. That said, you will likely find it a very useful stand-alone resource, especially given its compact, easy-to-read form.
A Small Book for the Hurting Heart
by Paul Tautges
2020 / 192 pages
Have you been asked by a friend who is suffering for some resources on grief? Are you looking to encourage a family member as they go through trials? While many books on suffering give advice and perspective for those supporting fellow believers in their trials, that’s not the target audience for this book. This is a little devotional you can pass on to the person who is grieving.
Small, and short, this book includes 50 brief devotionals, in no particular order, which replicates the ups and downs of grieving. Titles like “The Unsearchable Ways of God” and “How Long Does Grieving Take” address real fears and deal honestly with pain. The author is brief and direct, a useful quality when our minds are clouded with grief. Trials as well as grief take time, and this book is not attempting to bandage pain with biblical platitudes. Rather, it’s intended as a companion for sufferers that directs their gaze to Christ as they digest their grief over time. At the end of each mediation, the author gives a Bible passage to read and reflect on, and a prompt for prayer.
Because this book addresses real fears followed by biblical counsel, this could still be very good for anyone who wants to be better equipped as a comforter. It would be a great resource for pastors, elders and deacons who are struggling to find the appropriate passage to bring encouragement or express sympathy on a home visit. Tautges offers wise and compassionate words that you can borrow so you can better respond to deep pain.
There are also books to help children deal with their grief. See our reviews of “The Moon is Always Round” and “Henry Says Goodbye.”
